E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

[DavidC]

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My girlfriend has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend, I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my jeep next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my jeep , that I noticed that the bumper has some deep scratches and paint missing. You think DrColorchip will take care of this or should I get some factory paint.?

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it to the bodyshop?

Dave

 

[mwilson]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane……..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an o r g a s m."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[mfurrh55]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.When asked what the problem was the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on:neglect lack of intimacy feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally after allowing this for a while, the therapist got up, walked around his desk and after asking the wife to stand, He embraced her and kissed her long and passionately as the husband watched- with a raised eyebrow.The wife sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.Can you do this?"The husband replies "Well i can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,............... But i fish on Fridays.

 

[BIGNASTY]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.When asked what the problem was the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on:neglect lack of intimacy feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally after allowing this for a while, the therapist got up, walked around his desk and after asking the wife to stand, He embraced her and kissed her long and passionately as the husband watched- with a raised eyebrow.The wife sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.Can you do this?"The husband replies "Well i can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,............... But i fish on Fridays.

Penny asked where this Therapist is located Mfurrh :-laf


I told Penny that I don't fish so Fridays are also open

 

[mfurrh55]

Penny asked where this Therapist is located Mfurrh :-laf


I told Penny that I don't fish so Fridays are also open

Anywhere your imagination wants it to be (Ha)

 

[Shadrach]

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My girlfriend has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend, I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my jeep next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my jeep , that I noticed that the bumper has some deep scratches and paint missing. You think DrColorchip will take care of this or should I get some factory paint.?

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it to the bodyshop?

Dave

I think you should be able to fix the Jeep yourself. As for the girlfriend...Good Jeeps are hard to find...As for the girlfriend... Did I mention Good Jeeps are hard to find...

David

 

[RUSSELL5000]

For those of zeroing on in the 60 year mark or older:

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve!

Lord, Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

 

[BIGNASTY]

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband:






"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"


"No," said her husband.


She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.


He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.


She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"


"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.


She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.


He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"


He said "No!" trying to hide his arousal.

She said ... "Check the garage."

 

[HHhuntitall]

...........

 

[RUSSELL5000]

A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform...I'll give you exactly 15 min."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied,

"GOD was busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

 

[GCroyle]

the marine calmly replied,

"god was busy today protecting america's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an idiot. So he sent me."

i like this one, a lot.

 

[HHhuntitall]

^ ditto....

 

[BIGNASTY]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter, and devour her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, sprints to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl. The biker rescues her and brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.



A reporter, watching nearby, witnesses the whole event. He approaches the Harley rider and admirably states, 'Sir, that was the most gallant, and the bravest thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life.'



The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist for the Daily New Yorker, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a Republican." The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the Daily New Yorker to see if it indeed brings news of his actions. Much to his surprise, he reads the following headline, on the front page:



“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT; STEALS HIS LUNCH.”

...... and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

 

[GCroyle]

I didn't see that one coming.

 

[TFucili]

Sad, but true, Big. The whole world is upside down and inside out.

 

[BIGNASTY]

Sad, but true, Big. The whole world is upside down and inside out.

A very sad but TRUE assessment TF that's the humor that I found in the joke, not that it had ANYTHING to do with either side of the political issues of our world. I have had some rather weird conversations on other sites about the Acts of Violence & Riots going on ALL OVER the country not just one or two places. I'm really glad that we live in a more than Rural area. I truly think that the SWHTF and its coming soon to a town near to lots of us.

Good Luck to ALL!!

BIG

 

[RUSSELL5000]

Went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi".

Brilliant songs like “Losing my head over you”,“Rocket Launcher Man”
“You’re 6, You’re beautiful, and you’re mine”

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.

Then this dude started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started ... those guys have no sense of humor!

 

[BIGNASTY]

Things that I trust more than Hillary Clinton:







* Mexican tap water
* A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign
* OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection
* A fart when I have diarrhea
* An elevator ride with Ray Rice
* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby
* Michael Jackson's Doctor
* A Palestinian on a motorcycle
* Gas station Sushi
* A Jimmy Carter economic plan
* Loch Ness monster sightings
* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

 

[mfurrh55]

DEAR ABBEY,My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,And when i confront him, He denies everything,What's worse everyone knows he cheats on me, It's humiliating. Also since he lost his job 14 years ago, He hasn't even looked for a new one, All he does is sit around and smoke cigars , cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, While i have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college , He doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that i may be a lesbian. What should i do, Signed clueless
DEAR CLUELESS,
grow up and Dump him.You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, You're running for the President of the United States.

 

[Superdawg]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen ****** than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."