An Ode to the Humble Gas Wrench

[Mike Ellis]

Few people realize that Shakespeare was a do-it-yourself mechanic. :-laf :-laf



To answer your questions, yes I am insane this morning, and it's largely due to the brutal arse-kicking that has been dealt out to me by a 110 year old forge blower that I have been trying to disassemble. Nothing brings on the muse like crushing defeat and waking up at 4:00 with the grim spectre of last minute Christmas shopping hanging over you... . :-laf :-laf :-laf :-laf



--------------------------------



Hark! What wrench through yonder window breaks?

It is a Snap-On, and Mike hath mashed his thumb! #@$%!

- From Thumbeo and Gooberette, Act 5 Scene 3



ODE TO A GAS WRENCH



Gas wrench, o gas wrench!

Conqueror of nuts!

Thou helpest me loosen things,

which previously kicked my butt!



Faithful and trusty,

lurking on the shelf,

why do I forget thee

until I've tried everything else?



All the cursing and fighting,

the temper fits so frightening,

could all be averteth

if I just grabbed you firsteth.



The penetrating oil,

it never does jack,

just makes a big mess

and won't penetrate the cracks



The Crescent wrench roundeth

the stoutest of bolts,

and the open-end wrench

crushes knuckles and hopes



The sockets they slippeth,

and the Vise grips don't grippeth

but gas wrench, o gas wrench!

Frozen nuts thou dost licketh.

 

[FYarcho]

Oh how true it is!!!!



MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

[Buffalo]

Very cleverly done!!!! I got a good laugh from the "Ode".



I am amazed at the many talents found on these boards. Some of you folks are quite incredible.



Thanks.



Joe F. (Buffalo)

 

[Chasweaver]

Outstanding me olde bard. .

 

[rbattelle]

Wow, I wish I were that creative!

Now how about some pictures of that forge!!!

Ryan

 

[Allnew2Me]

Well done MacDodge! Such pen a wise hand drives!

The man above with wisdom,

Doth speakith but the truth,

OH! Does his hand know well the pain,

When fasteners nay come loose!



But woe with me shall find no home,

Nor cause such sweet lament,

When all the stated fixings,

Are frozen like cement.



For I've a friend I often find,

That lends a heated crutch,

He stands as one related,

To his gaseous wrench's touch!



But this kind cousin brings me,

Much sooner to the porch,

His name no doubt, you all shall know,

As Mr. Cutting Torch!!

 

[Mike Ellis]

Outstanding, Allnew2me! I see you have an appreciation of the fine art of culturally influencing stubborn fasteners :-laf :-laf :-laf



Here is another fine selection from the bard's immortal Macbillybob Act 5 Scene 1. In this scene we encounter Luther and Little Jimmy watching Macbillybob sleepwalking in his shop, worried by his unusual behavior over the last few days.

Luther:

I have two nights watched with you, but can perceive no truth in your report. When was it he last sleepwrenched?



Little Jimmy:

Since the turbo arrived from eBay, I have seen him rise from his bed, throw his flannel shirt on, unlock his toolbox, take out a wrench, fondle it, oil it, swing it around, oil it again, afterwards put it back in the toolbox, and again return to bed; yet all this while in a most fast sleep.



Luther:

A great perturbation in nature, to receive at once the benefit of sleep, and do the effects of wrenching! In this slumbery agitation, besides him walking and waving the wrench, what, at any time, have you heard him say?



Little Jimmy:

That, sir, which I will not repeat. Ma would wash out my mouth with soap.



Luther:

You may to me, and 'tis most meet you should. Might be funny!



Little Jimmy:

Nope, ain't a-gonna do it, either to you nor any one; having no witness to confirm my speech Ma might tan my hide on general principles.



Enter Macbillybob, with a breaker bar.



Looky there, here he comes! This is his very guise; and, upon my life, fast asleep. Observe him; stand close.



Luther:

How came he by that breaker bar?



Little Jimmy:

Why, it was under his pillow. He has that breaker bar by him continually; bought it from the Snap-On truck for $475.



Luther:

24 You see, his eyes are open.



Little Jimmy:

Yep, but they don't see no more than Cooter Brown.



Luther:

What is it he does now? Look how he grips that breaker bar!



Little Jimmy:

It is an accustom'd action with him, to stand there grunting on that bar. I have known him continue in this a quarter of an hour.



Macbillybob:

(Urrrgggh!) Yet here's a bolt that won't budge!



Luther:

Hark, he speaks. I will set down what comes from him, to satisfy my remembrance the more strongly. The guys will get a kick out of this down at the lodge!



Macbillybob:

Out, danged bolt! Out, I say! One; two, HEAVE urgggh (pant pant sob). Why, then 'tis time to do't! The bolt is rusted fast! Dang my hide, dang it! A bolt, and a-frozen? What need we sweat to budge it, when our propane torch has pow'r to warm it? Yet who would have thought the dang bolt to have had so much rust in it?



Luther:

Do you mark that? Is he going to light a torch in his sleep?!



Macbillybob:

The original assembler must have had Anti-Seize, where is it now? What, will this bolt ne'er come out? No more o' that, Lord have mercy! No more o' that, you already broke off the bolt in Jimmy's starter with that breaker bar.



Luther:

Uh oh, uh oh! You have known what you should not! It was an accident!



Little Jimmy:

He has spoke what he should not, I am sure of that; heaven knows what I can do to get that starter fixed now!



Macbillybob:

Here's the smell of the Liquid Wrench still! All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. O, O, O!



Luther:

Perfumes of Arabia! The heart is sorely charg'd, to think he needs to cover up the smell of Liquid Wrench. It's practically an aphrodisiac!



Little Jimmy:

I would not have such a heart in my bosom for the dignity of the whole body, puttin' down Liquid Wrench that way. Why it's the next thing to Holy Water... .



Luther:

Well, well, well.



Little Jimmy:

Well it sure 'nuff is, sir. It's good stuff.



Luther:

This sleepwalking disease is beyond my practise, yet I have known some folks who walked in their sleep that have died peacefully in their beds. Knowed one feller though who walked out on the highway and got run over.



Macbillybob:

Wash your hands, put on your boots, look no so pale. I tell you yet again, that danged bolt's coming out, even if I have to get a stick of dynamite from Banquo and BLOW it out.



Luther:

No kidding? Banquo has dynamite? Where's he keep it? I could use a couple of sticks myself...



Macbillybob:

To bed, to bed! There's a knocking in the drivetrain! Come, come, come, come, give me that floor jack. What's done cannot be undone. To bed, to bed!



Exit Macbillybob.



Luther:

Will he go now to bed?



Little Jimmy:

Directly. He'll probably have a couple of beers first.



Luther:

Foul whisperings are abroad. Unnatural deeds do breed unnatural troubles; infected minds to their deaf pillows will discharge their secrets. More needs he the divine than the physician. God, God forgive us all, for convincing him to try and put that Powerstroke variable turbo on his Cummins.



Little Jimmy:

Good luck Luther, doesn't look like you're gonna get a good deal on his old B1 after all...

 

[Allnew2Me]

Once again, well done! Quite the dispenser of mirth is this Mr. Ellis! Indeed, be it known that I have felt the occurance to verbally wrestle the fight from that which is not willing to budge, and admitedly have given tongue to such sharp word on occasion that shall not be eyed as one to utter in the presence of civilized society. Poetic mutterings may calm the savage wrencher but do naught in the ear of the rusted devil! Yet must I attempt such somnambulistic endeavors as above shared, and if proven to succeed, then perhaps to mine creeper shall a pillow find its bed!

 

[Mike Ellis]

Allnew2me wrote:

Poetic mutterings may calm the savage wrencher but do naught in the ear of the rusted devil!

Outstanding! I'm going to print this out and hang it over my toolbox :-laf :-laf

 

[Mike Ellis]

We must not neglect the visual arts in our endless quest for cultural enlightenment. Serene contemplation of the finest works of the old masters can be tremendously beneficial. If you stare long enough at the Mona Lisa for example, you may catch some glimpse of the meaning behind her enigmatic smile. Beauty, thy name is Mona!

 

[Bill Lins]

She smiles because she hears a Cummins firing up!

 

[nickleinonen]

mr cutting torch, you're my best friend...

 

[Mundgyver]

:-laf:-laf:-laf:-laf



So does this mean that TDR will be sponsoring an annual poets contest :-laf



Prize money or a free subscription maybeOo.