Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated... . Please read the
following carefully... ... .
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the over-
whelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only
certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As
part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of deli-
vering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson. "
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . " when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty. "
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off. "
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as
well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee
wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town. " This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got
Run'd Over by a Reindeer. "
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
following carefully... ... .
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the over-
whelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only
certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As
part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of deli-
vering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson. "
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . " when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty. "
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off. "
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as
well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee
wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town. " This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got
Run'd Over by a Reindeer. "
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
