Changes to company policy (humor)

[Chris N5CWM]

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement, permitting retention
of younger people who are our future. Therefore, the program to phase
out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement,
will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as
SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED
will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
before retirement takes place.
This review phase is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired
Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an
appeal with management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy,
employees may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be
SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she
already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee
who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger
employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy
of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (I TRIED TO BY-PASS THE CUSSING FILTER).
We take pride in the amount of I TRIED TO BY-PASS THE CUSSING FILTER our employees receive. We have
given our employees more I TRIED TO BY-PASS THE CUSSING FILTER than any company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive enough I TRIED TO BY-PASS THE CUSSING FILTER on the job, see
your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is trained to make sure you
receive all the I TRIED TO BY-PASS THE CUSSING FILTER you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your
years of service with us!


REGENALD M. PLOWSHARES Esq.

CHAIRMAN of THE BOARD

 

[roadranger]

Yeah, that's about right for today's conglomerates and corporations- get rid of the high paid experienced people for minimum wage newbies to make a better bottom line.

My Dad worked at one company for 34 years-
you don't hear about that kind of service much anymore...

 

[rich m]

Originally posted by Deezul Doug:
Yeah, that's about right for today's conglomerates and corporations- get rid of the high paid experienced people for minimum wage newbies to make a better bottom line.

seems like there's never a budget for retention of people who know a job, but there's always $$$$ for "consultants" who may or mayn't know their butt from a hole in the ground about your industry. The difference? Workers work. Consultants analyze and give reports. Management loves to have reports to "study", even if they:
A. don't understand them and/or
B. don't implement the consultant's recommendations. (hint: if the recommendation is contrary to the mgmt's pre-conceived notion, it's dismissed as hogwash from another "worthless consultant" (regardless if the consultant is actually commenting on an aspect that really is part of his legitimate expertise))
My Dad worked at one company for 34 years-
you don't hear about that kind of service much anymore...