Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
Evil Overlord Instructions:
Being an Evil Overlord seems, potentially, to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours.
However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end.
I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear bulletproof visors; not face-concealing bullet permeable ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. They will also be lined with razor blades and inhabited by rabid weasels.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible. "
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
I'll say, "No. " and shoot him. Twice. In the head.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. If she doesn't put out, she dies. Beautiful princesses are a dime a dozen these days.
Evil Overlords have NO time for frigidity in their women.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". Alternately, the "Self destruct" will cause whoever activates it to... you guessed it, Destruct.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
After interogation, they will be killed immediately.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I won't waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident.
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. What is the point in being an Evil Overlord if you can't set an example?
15. I will make it clear to all that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average 5 year-old child. Any flaws in my plan will be corrected before implementation. Five year olds also work cheap, and can come up with some pretty evil stuff.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. They will be rigourously schooled in codes, and carry suicide pills which they damned well better use if compromised.
Failure to adhere to these tenets will incur my wrath.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. He is simply entitled to DIE,
preferrably in great pain.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.
If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. It will also go off if tampered with.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know. " After all, if there was something I still needed to know, I would not tip my hand regarding my intentions towards their mortality. Starting a sentence with "But" is bad grammar anyway.
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. Then, I will kill them, so as to keep my plans secret.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp my power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected plot developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. We will also use lots of Kevlar or whatever the armor du jour happens to be. No prissy British super agent with a . 32 caliber PPK is going to dispatch MY guys with ease.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way, even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless, we can still pose a threat, cause terror, death and destruction. All troops will be issued extra ammo, and taught how to change magazines in their weapons. Any trooper throwing his weapon ineffectively at any threat will be thrown after it.
My troops will not be overrun by savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After that, death is usually instantaneous. )
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone out there who is just as attractive that is not desperate to kill me. I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. Especially if all of the prisoners are male...
34. I will never rely on a biological specimen, mutated or otherwise, that may ultimately turn on me, or be found to be easily vanquished by the application of common household chemicals.
35. I will reload and reholster my weapon immediately after each use. It will not be left on the desk, the table, or anywhere else that I do not have immediate access to it at all times.
36. All of my guard dogs will be female, thereby unaffected by the old "***** in heat" diversion ploy.
37. Anyone entering my organization will be vetted, interogated, and otherwise confirmed as evil. We will gladly accept laterals from the IRS.
38. All of my troops will be instructed in proper use of weapon sights. Any trooper shooting from the hip, or going "Rambo" will be shot by the Sargeant in charge.
39. My attack ships will be equipped with safety devices to keep them from instantaneously plummeting from the sky if the pilot becomes disabled. They may even be programmed to crash a target of opportunity in such an event.
40. If the Hero do gooder comes under my power as a captive due to some excrementally stupid move on his/her part, I will not place them in some ridiculously easily escapable situation alledgedly intended to cause their demise.
Instead, I will shoot him. Twice,
in the head, with an obscenely large caliber weapon.
If a little overkill is good, a lot is better.
Good luck in your efforts to take over the world. I hope that these instructions help.
Being an Evil Overlord seems, potentially, to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours.
However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end.
I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear bulletproof visors; not face-concealing bullet permeable ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. They will also be lined with razor blades and inhabited by rabid weasels.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible. "
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
I'll say, "No. " and shoot him. Twice. In the head.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. If she doesn't put out, she dies. Beautiful princesses are a dime a dozen these days.
Evil Overlords have NO time for frigidity in their women.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". Alternately, the "Self destruct" will cause whoever activates it to... you guessed it, Destruct.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
After interogation, they will be killed immediately.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I won't waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident.
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. What is the point in being an Evil Overlord if you can't set an example?
15. I will make it clear to all that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average 5 year-old child. Any flaws in my plan will be corrected before implementation. Five year olds also work cheap, and can come up with some pretty evil stuff.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. They will be rigourously schooled in codes, and carry suicide pills which they damned well better use if compromised.
Failure to adhere to these tenets will incur my wrath.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. He is simply entitled to DIE,
preferrably in great pain.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.
If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. It will also go off if tampered with.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know. " After all, if there was something I still needed to know, I would not tip my hand regarding my intentions towards their mortality. Starting a sentence with "But" is bad grammar anyway.
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. Then, I will kill them, so as to keep my plans secret.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp my power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected plot developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. We will also use lots of Kevlar or whatever the armor du jour happens to be. No prissy British super agent with a . 32 caliber PPK is going to dispatch MY guys with ease.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way, even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless, we can still pose a threat, cause terror, death and destruction. All troops will be issued extra ammo, and taught how to change magazines in their weapons. Any trooper throwing his weapon ineffectively at any threat will be thrown after it.
My troops will not be overrun by savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After that, death is usually instantaneous. )
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone out there who is just as attractive that is not desperate to kill me. I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. Especially if all of the prisoners are male...
34. I will never rely on a biological specimen, mutated or otherwise, that may ultimately turn on me, or be found to be easily vanquished by the application of common household chemicals.
35. I will reload and reholster my weapon immediately after each use. It will not be left on the desk, the table, or anywhere else that I do not have immediate access to it at all times.
36. All of my guard dogs will be female, thereby unaffected by the old "***** in heat" diversion ploy.
37. Anyone entering my organization will be vetted, interogated, and otherwise confirmed as evil. We will gladly accept laterals from the IRS.
38. All of my troops will be instructed in proper use of weapon sights. Any trooper shooting from the hip, or going "Rambo" will be shot by the Sargeant in charge.
39. My attack ships will be equipped with safety devices to keep them from instantaneously plummeting from the sky if the pilot becomes disabled. They may even be programmed to crash a target of opportunity in such an event.
40. If the Hero do gooder comes under my power as a captive due to some excrementally stupid move on his/her part, I will not place them in some ridiculously easily escapable situation alledgedly intended to cause their demise.
Instead, I will shoot him. Twice,
in the head, with an obscenely large caliber weapon.
If a little overkill is good, a lot is better.
Good luck in your efforts to take over the world. I hope that these instructions help.
