Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
George Carlin's New Rules for 2006
>>
>>New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
>>reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>>particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
>>football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>>
>>New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
>>you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
>>found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
>>did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>>
>>New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
>>blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
>>these kids: lucky *******s.
>>
>>New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
>>you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
>>you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>>
>>New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
>>about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>>
>>New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
>>of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
>>Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
>>Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>>
>>New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
>>redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
>>now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
>>*** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
>>Social Security crisis.
>>
>>New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
>>*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
>>half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
>>dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
>>huge *******.
>>
>>New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
>>card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
>>deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
>>who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
>>Joy.
>>
>>New Rule: Woman, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
>>doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And
>>it translates to "beef with broccoli. " The last time you did anything
>>spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
>>spiritual. You're just high.
>>
>>New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
>>sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
>>watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
>>What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
>>It's called "The Howard Stern Show. "
>>
>>New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
>>I'll go nuts and eat two.
>>
>>New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
>>television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
>>so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
>>reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
>>wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>>
>>New Rule: No more gift registry. You know, it used to be just for
>>weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
>>Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
>>isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>>
>>New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
>>After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
>>sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
>>or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam,
>>dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>>
>>New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
>>months. "27 Months. " "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
>>And I didn't really care in the first place.
>>
>>New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
>>reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>>particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
>>football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>>
>>New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
>>you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
>>found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
>>did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>>
>>New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
>>blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
>>these kids: lucky *******s.
>>
>>New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
>>you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
>>you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>>
>>New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
>>about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>>
>>New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
>>of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
>>Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
>>Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>>
>>New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
>>redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
>>now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
>>*** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
>>Social Security crisis.
>>
>>New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
>>*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
>>half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
>>dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
>>huge *******.
>>
>>New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
>>card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
>>deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
>>who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
>>Joy.
>>
>>New Rule: Woman, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
>>doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And
>>it translates to "beef with broccoli. " The last time you did anything
>>spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
>>spiritual. You're just high.
>>
>>New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
>>sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
>>watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
>>What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
>>It's called "The Howard Stern Show. "
>>
>>New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
>>I'll go nuts and eat two.
>>
>>New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
>>television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
>>so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
>>reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
>>wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>>
>>New Rule: No more gift registry. You know, it used to be just for
>>weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
>>Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
>>isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>>
>>New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
>>After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
>>sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
>>or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam,
>>dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>>
>>New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
>>months. "27 Months. " "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
>>And I didn't really care in the first place.
