Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouted:
"Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen. "
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it. ")
The kneeling man shouted back:
"I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English. "
The Amish farmer said: "Use two hands, you'll get more. "
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one. "
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby. "
Cleveland's finest
Two Mexicans are riding along the Highway on a motorbike. They experience a break down and start to hitch a ride. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can be of some help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 10,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will he take them to the next town and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and themselves into the back of the trailer so the driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough a Cleveland's second district officer pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly-- "Mexican eggs. "
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look.
He opens the back door of the trailer and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it - Only 2 have hatched so far but they've already managed to steal a motorcycle. "
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always did.
One of the parishioners, Mary Clancey, came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news. " Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father. "
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, father," replied Mary. He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun... .
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>
> 1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
> else to hold while you chop.
>
> 2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
> by using the shower.
>
> 3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
> bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
> Remember to use a timer.
>
> 4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
> you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
> snooze button.
>
> 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then
> you will be afraid to cough.
>
> 6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If
> it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
> does, use the duct tape.
Practical definitions
College:- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Etc:- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office:- A place where you can relax after your strenuous social life.
Ecstasy:- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Committee:- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile:- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Optimist:- A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist:- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY .
Diplomat:- A person who tells you to go to h*ll in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Classic:- A book which people praise, but do not read.
Dictionary:- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Miser:- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Marriage:- It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master's.
Father:- A banker provided by nature.
Rumor:- News that travels at the speed of sound.
Criminal:- A guy no different from the rest of us... except that he got caught.
Worry:- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Boss:- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Philosopher:- A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Tears:- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Yawn:- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb:- An invention to end all inventions.
Doctor:- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Software Engineer:- someone who is paid for reading this mail.
_________________
The Amish farmer shouted:
"Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen. "
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it. ")
The kneeling man shouted back:
"I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English. "
The Amish farmer said: "Use two hands, you'll get more. "
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one. "
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby. "
Cleveland's finest
Two Mexicans are riding along the Highway on a motorbike. They experience a break down and start to hitch a ride. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can be of some help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 10,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will he take them to the next town and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and themselves into the back of the trailer so the driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough a Cleveland's second district officer pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly-- "Mexican eggs. "
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look.
He opens the back door of the trailer and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it - Only 2 have hatched so far but they've already managed to steal a motorcycle. "
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always did.
One of the parishioners, Mary Clancey, came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news. " Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father. "
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, father," replied Mary. He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun... .
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>
> 1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
> else to hold while you chop.
>
> 2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
> by using the shower.
>
> 3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
> bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
> Remember to use a timer.
>
> 4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
> you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
> snooze button.
>
> 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then
> you will be afraid to cough.
>
> 6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If
> it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
> does, use the duct tape.
Practical definitions
College:- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Etc:- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office:- A place where you can relax after your strenuous social life.
Ecstasy:- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Committee:- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile:- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Optimist:- A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist:- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY .
Diplomat:- A person who tells you to go to h*ll in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Classic:- A book which people praise, but do not read.
Dictionary:- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Miser:- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Marriage:- It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master's.
Father:- A banker provided by nature.
Rumor:- News that travels at the speed of sound.
Criminal:- A guy no different from the rest of us... except that he got caught.
Worry:- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Boss:- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Philosopher:- A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Tears:- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Yawn:- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb:- An invention to end all inventions.
Doctor:- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Software Engineer:- someone who is paid for reading this mail.
_________________
Last edited:
:-laf The second was pretty good too. 
.
