Joke of the day Part II

[gitchesum]

We need to get some humor going on in here. Been WAY to serious lately. I'll start.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,



"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.



The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.



Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.



Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again. "



Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different "



Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me. "



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[Batman]

LOL

 

[wcaldwell]

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are walking along the beach one day and find the proverbial lamp. They pick it up and clean it off and the genie appears.

He says, "I can grant 3 wishes - one for each of you. "

The Canadian says, "My great-grandfather was a farmer, my grandfather was a farmer, my father was a farmer, I'm a farmer, and my son will be a farmer. I with all of the ground in Canada would be extra-fertile for ever. "

The genie binked his eyes and, viola, the Canadian ground will be fertile for ever.

Osama says, "I'm next. I want a wall built all around Afganistan to keep out the American infidels and all of the Jews. "

The genie binked again, and viola, a wall instantly appears all around Afganistan.

Uncle Sam (being a civil engineer), looked at the genie and said, "Tell me more about that wall. "

The genie said, "The wall is 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, is virtually impregnable, nothing can get in or out. "

Uncle Sam looked at the genie and nodded, then said, "Fill it with water. "

 

[Batman]

Lake Afghanistan... ... ... . has a nice sound to it doesn't it

 

[dodger22]

diesel joke

Some stories don't "e-mail too well" but here goes.



2 guys laid off from their jobs go down to the unemployment office. First one goes in for interview and the officer asks him what he does. He replies, "I put the elastic in ladies panties".

"well", says the officer, "that sounds like an unskilled job, you will get $250 per week".



The second guy goes in for an interview and the officer takes down all the particulars and asks him what his job is.



"diesel fitter" he replies.



The officer says, "well that's a highly skilled job, you'll get $500. 00 per week".



The 2 guys get to talking and compare notes with how much they will receive a week. "How come you get $500. 00 a week and I only get $250. 00 a week? I'm going back in there and complain.



The officer explains to him that the other guy is paid for his skill.



What do you mean says the guy who makes $250 a week? "I put the elastic in the panties and he holds 'em up to the light and says "Yeah, these'll fit her".



Like I said, some jokes don't e-mail too well

 

[wcaldwell]

A moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide which choice you should make.



The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed.



Let’s say that you’re a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.



You come across Al Gore who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.



So, here’s the dilemma and think carefully before you answer the question below.













Which lens would you use?

 

[B. Gill]

there is this guy who works long hours and goes home real late so much so that he does not see his kids at all when they are awake except week ends.

but one day he happens to get off work early and is so excited to go home an d see his kids. he knocks on the door and his son opens the door , sees him then turns around and asks his mom " mom it is the guy who comes on week ends should i let him in"

 

[maint.man]

They say that sex - ed and drivers - ed can't both be tought on the same day in Afganistan , cause the camels just can't take it.

 

[Stroke This 24V]

DID YOU KNOW

SEX ia a midemeanor?





































































The more I miss DA Meaner I get!!!

 

[wcaldwell]

Traveling salesman was driving down a long, lonely country road when he spots a pig standing beside the fence, but the pig had only three legs, the fourth leg was a wooden leg. This got the salesman's attention, so he came to a sliding stop, backed up, and turned down the driveway to a small farmhouse.

A man came out on the porch just as the salesman was getting out of his car. The salesman explained that he was driving by and saw the 3-legged pig and wanted to know why it had a wooden leg.

The farmer said, "This pig is the most fantastic pig in the world. I mean to say, you've never seen any other pig as great as this pig in your entire lifetime. "

The salesman interrupted and asked, "What makes this pig so great?"

The farmer replied, "One night the house caught on fire and this-here pig bagan snorting and grunting and making all kinds of racket, running into the door trying to wake us up. He succeeded and all of us managed to get out of the house alive and unhurt. " So the salesman said, "Ok, I understand that. But why does it have three legs?"

The farmer looked at him dead serious and said, "You can't eat a pig as fine as this one all at one time, can you?"

 

[Adam_Dodgezilla]

Funny

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and

punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big

boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.

"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"



A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and

prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation.



They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes

later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the

third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.



Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund.

"I'm going back to Afghanistan!"



George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan??"

 

[Batman]

Adam_Dodgezilla



ROTFLMAO

 

[DRR-24V]

Presidents Dream

Osama Bin Laden phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. I could see the whole country, and over every  building and home was a banner," said Bin Laden.



"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.

"LONG LIVE OSAMA!" answered the terrorist.



"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had

a dream. In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big,

beautiful banner. "

"What did the banner say?" asked Osama.



"I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew. "

 

[Adam_Dodgezilla]

Funny!!

Funny

 

[Adam_Dodgezilla]

Funny

Osama where are you?

 

[Adam_Dodgezilla]

Funny

Taliban Television (TTV) Schedule

MONDAYS:

8:00 - "Husseinfeld"

8:30 - "Mad About Everything"

9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"

9:30 - "3rd Rock From the Sand"

10:00 - "Allah McBeal"



TUESDAYS:

8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"

8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its

Right"

9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The

Darndest Things"

9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution

Bloopers"

10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"



WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 - "Mullah's Place"

8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"

9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"

9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"

10:00 - "Veilwatch"



THURSDAYS:

8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"

8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"

9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black,

Shapeless Dresses and Veils"

9:30 - "Sand Trek: The Next Generation"

10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"



FRIDAYS:

8:00 - "Judge Laden"

8:30 - "My Two Baghdads"

9:00 - "Survivor... I hope"

9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"

10:00 - "No-witness News"



SATURDAYS:

8:00 - "Let's Mecca Deal"

8:30 - "Allahwood Squares"

9:00 - "This Old Tent"

9:30 - "No Sex in the City"

10:00 - "Mullah's Place"



SUNDAYS:

8:00 - "Who's Goat Is it Anyway?"

8:30 - "The Bedouin Bunch"

9:00 - "My Three Huns"

9:30 - "The Sultan of Queens"

10:00 - "I Dream of Jihad"

 

[Ramboy]

A CHRISTIAN:

You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your

neighbor.



A SOCIALIST:

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives

it to your neighbor.



A REPUBLICAN:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?



A DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel

guilty for being successful. You vote people into

office that tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to

raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for

then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to

your neighbor. You feel righteous.



A COMMUNIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and

provides you with milk.



A FASCIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and

sells you the milk. You join the underground and start

a campaign of sabotage.



DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the

point you have to sell both to support a man in a

foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift

from your government.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build

a herd of cows.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government takes them both,

shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk,

then pours the milk down the drain.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other

to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised

when the cow drops dead.



A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want

three cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are

one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce

twenty times the milk.



A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live

for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.



A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have

five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42

cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of

vodka.



A MEXICAN CORPORATION:

You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a

cow looks like. You take a nap.



A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You

charge for storing them for others.



A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with

an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and

the American corporation declares bankruptcy.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them