Joke of the day...

[TORQUE THIS]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me. " Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "It is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me. " The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, and naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee. " "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. " The man replies, "listen lady, I'm 68 years old, I get a erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. NO THANKS !

 

[ToolManTimTaylor]

ROFLMAO mark make it stop ... ... your'e killin' me oh oh god help :-laf :-laf

 

[ToolManTimTaylor]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner. ” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue. ”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smith’s bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too. ” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.



Around two o’ clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the ‘statue,’ “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water. ”

 

[Whitmore]

A woman went to wally world to find something for her husbands birthday , she went to the fishing section since that was her husbands true love , she was eyeballing a nice fishing rod and asked the guy behind the counter about it, the guy says he was blind but hand him the rod, she did and the guy checked it out and said oh yes this is wallie worlds best rod it is the fiberglass 5 eyelet , premium rod and will accept an open real or a buttion real and any husband would be proud to own it , today it is on sale for 20 bucks, the gal says she would take it and bent down for her purse , at that point she was over come by some gas ( the gal farted man) nothing was said but the salesman rang it up on the till and said it would be 35 bucks, she said 35 bucks, you told me it was 20 bucks... ... ... ... ... . he said it is 20 bucks for the pole another 10 bucks for the catfish stink bait and 5 bucks for the duck call

 

[rrausch]

91 year old man goes to the doctor and asks for a sperm count.

Doctor says, "You're 91 years old, what do you want a sperm count for?"

Old man says, "Well... I just want to know what's happenin' down there. "

Doctor says, "Well... OK... here's a plastic medicine bottle... go home and... uhhh... produce a sample... uh... and bring it back and we'll analyze it. "



A month goes by.



Finally the old man comes back in and hands the Doctor the little bottle and it is empty. He hangs his head and says, "Well Doctor I tried... I tried with my right hand... and I tried with my left hand... "

The Doctor, obviously uncomfortable says, "Well... ummm... have your wife help you!"

Old man says, "She tried too! She tried with her right hand... she tried with her left hand. Then she tried with her teeth in... she tried with her teeth out... We can't get the lid off that little medicine bottle at all. !