My Wife is leaving!!

[AClayton]

Well guys,it has happened to me now My marriage of only 7yrs has come to an end with only about 2 weeks notice. #1 mistake? ... . telling her 3 weeks ago that there was no way she could move out. Boy,did I have to eat my words.



Good news is everything seems to be going well with the separation aspect and there will be no sleazy lawyers involved to stir acid in the fire. KIds will be going to a good school district now which was one our biggest issues with living here amongst all the diversity. I guess it could be worse and we could be fighting and hate each other,but we are splitting so our girls will see there parents without bickering all the time. I guess I just worked too many hours and let things go too long this way.



I could not imagine going through a divorce with bitter feelings toward my significant other..... It seems hard enough to deal with divorce and us getting alongI truly want what is best for our girls... . ages 3 and 4... AND for my wife also. This is tough!!





Alan

 

[TRLRTRSH]

Good Luck Alan.

TRY to keep it friendly.

 

[AMink]

I hate to see this happen. Please, make sure that all avenues are explored before signing on the dotted line. I'm sure you have, but just in case... Good luck to all 4 of you.

 

[sarj]

The most valuable lesson I learned long ago is that there is nothing in this world that I can't live without, and yes, I learned it from a woman. Everything is a matter of will. I've been happy ever since. Good luck brother.

 

[GHarman]

Thats a tough journey you are undertaking. Everyone will have scars. Hopefully they will heal! GregH

 

[AClayton]

Thanks for all the kind words guys... ... this is so very tough on both of us. We are both scared as to how this will all work out but our ultimate goal is for our girls to grow up without the stresses of their parent's not getting along. My wife is very strong-willed and extremely independent so she will be fine..... It seems I'm the big wimp in all of this



No lawyers is our compromise and to trust each other no matter what our friends,family and co-workers say with tales of despair. Our biggest problem now is finding a place for her to stay that is in her price range. With all of our combined bills plus owning an RV,she is having trouble with qualifying for home loans. Have to see how it goes.



Thanks again - Alan

 

[Loghead]

No lawyers?

I hate to make a bad thing worse here, Alan, but I wouldn't dare tread on that ground without a lawyer, especially being a man.

Lots of good intentions have gone out the window once the ol'lady figures out she's been shorting herself by not getting a lawyer-and then she gets one.
Backpay on alimony and child support and screwing with child visitation- I've seen many a good, well intentioned man get taken to the cleaners by a woman with whom he had "an agreement", all after the fact.
Be careful; at the very least have a lawyer make sure that what you agree to will hold up in court, should you wind up there sometime in the future.

That aside, I hate hearing this stuff.

 

[SRath]

Don't burn any bridges, but don't leave yourself exposed, either. If this is truly amicable, then you two should have no problem going to get it done legal and proper together. IN WRITING.

Kids will complicate even that. Doing it without legal guidance just leaves you both exposed to having "the system" step in and justify their bureau-rat jobs. Human Services departments LOVE to butt in and screw things up if they can. And they CAN if there are kids. And those people are ruthless and scary with powers beyond reason and WILL screw your kid's lives up!

Any time my wife and I find ourselves teetering on the brink, we have only to look at all the others we know who have learned and lived these things the hard way.

My wife and I were together in sin for 7 years; split up; I moved away for a year; she looked me up; we got back together; got pregnant and married (best thing to happen to us both); and have been married now for 16 years with two wonderful sons we both know takes BOTH of us full time to raise right. Neither of us could do it alone as well as we have together. Raising exceptionally good sons is our greatest achievement. We have done it extremely well together and we know it. That alone is reason enough for us to stay together. The only thing we have ever had in common is that we both believe our kids' lives are more important than our own. Other than that, we are an "opposites attract" deal all the way.

So leave your options and your hearts open. You may both find the ties that bind are more powerful than the reasons that compel you to separate after all. It may take a year or two, but be patient.

What will happen in a few short years when both boys are on their own is anybody's guess. But we will deal with that when we only have each other to look at across the table again.

Personally, I'm too damned old and busy and tired to go out kicking tires looking for a new ride to have to fix up all over again... so I'll put up with a lot. God knows she does. That, and I'm well past the point where all my junk owns me instead of the other way around. I aint movin' it!

 

[AClayton]

I totally understand that this is extremely rare but we are getting what I understand to be a Mediator. About $500 and we split everything up amongst ourselves and this so-called Mediator just makes it work... . legally!We have agreed for me to pay a said amount and she will move out... . as she wants to anyway. Wife has her own career and has more time invested than even I do with her job and subsequently,does very well financially. She understands that if I don't have our current house and location,I simply cannot pay the mortgage and our expenses with the children on my base salary at the phone co. I have my own side-business repairing RV's and trailers and our current location has all the out-buildings and shops with which I need for business needs.



Besides,I don't want a lawyer or court telling me which day or days I can see my own children. In this recession,we certainly don't need to be giving our money away to lawyers and such when we can use it for our kids sake. Again,she wants out... . I realize it is hard for the court system to take children away from their mother,BUT,I think it is equally as hard to take children away from their established childhood residence. Which is what she wants to do. I'm not happy with this at all,but there are no alternatives for me short of getting the court system involved#@$%!



This whole thing just sucks... . plain and simple!!



Alan

 

[ACoyle]

Alan - Mediators can work and you should end up with a legally binding agreement. It would not hurt to have a lawyer read it before you sign. That should not be expensive. Just tell him that you are ony interested in knowing if there are traps.

When I split with my wife, my daughter was 18 and emancipated. I offered to sell everything and split 50 / 50. She decided to go for the throat. Two years later, we ended splitting what was left 50 / 50. Less lawyers fees.

If you do not mind me saying so, it seems that this is all about what is best for the kids. Is it really better for them to be without a parent? If the two of you can amically split up house and home and life. Maybe anther kind of mediator could help you stay together.

Sorry if I am butting in. I do understand how much it hurts and I wish you well in whichever way you decide to go.

 

[DValentine]

Wow, first post like this that I have read.

My folks split up when I was 22. I am the oldest of 2, in the family. I saw a great deal of the fighting between my parents, and at 37 still struggling not to replicate it in my marriage. My Mom left my father, remarried moving from AK to CA. I visited her in 2000. I was working on my car, outside and could hear her in the kitchen laughing, laughing with her husband. It struck me that I didn't hear that much when I was a kid. There was a lot of tension... . Alan it does effect the kids.

I can't speak to your situation. I don't know anything about you or you wife. But my point is the kids feel the tension. I don't wish my parents were back together... The times I have seen them in the same place, we all were tense.

I hated having to decide which place to go for holidays. I hated having to call two different places to check in and catch up. It is not easy to accept the new spouse... my sister has had the hardest time with this on.

I did have a girlfriend who's family had split when she was young. Both families got together for holidays. I couldn't believe how well they got along and shared time with the kids. So it can be different then what I experienced.

Pardon me if I come across as a little emotional about this stuff. It suck for the parents but it sucks more for the kids who pay the greater price.

Good luck.

Dave

 

[AClayton]

Alan - Mediators can work and you should end up with a legally binding agreement. It would not hurt to have a lawyer read it before you sign. That should not be expensive. Just tell him that you are ony interested in knowing if there are traps.



When I split with my wife, my daughter was 18 and emancipated. I offered to sell everything and split 50 / 50. She decided to go for the throat. Two years later, we ended splitting what was left 50 / 50. Less lawyers fees.



If you do not mind me saying so, it seems that this is all about what is best for the kids. Is it really better for them to be without a parent? If the two of you can amically split up house and home and life. Maybe anther kind of mediator could help you stay together.



Sorry if I am butting in. I do understand how much it hurts and I wish you well in whichever way you decide to go.

I do not feel anybody is butting in..... quite frankly,I just need to talk to people about this because it drives me crazy that she can justify splitting us apart just because... ... 'she doesn't love me anymore'I hear about other relationships when the wife complains about her husband not cutting the grass or taking out the trash..... geez!I work a 50 hr week at Verizon,another 25 to 30 hrs on the side,plus have made time this year to remodel both bathrooms in the late evenings. Added carpet and the list goes on..... I do believe some people cannot be satisfied. I truely don't get it and have explained that to her..... her mind is closed and her only motivation is getting out.



All evidence and symptoms of a marriage ending this way would signify that she has found someone else... ... of course I asked and it was denied immediately!I have seen no evidence of this at all and will go on to say that I sincerely doubt that is the issue at all.



I wish I could get through this wall she is surrounded by..... she won't listen to reason no matter who tells her so. I realize that none of you know me personally and can quickly summize that there are 2 sides to every story. I totally agree,but when even she says that I'm an excellent Father,excellent provider,not lazy at all and good to our girls... . well,I just get floored everytime I think about this..... truely upsetting to say the least!!!



Alan

 

[The patriot]

Would she consider sharing a place with my wife?

 

[tempforce]

your work schedule sounds like mine used to be. i was trying to improve our situation. come to find out she would rather had more time with me. so when i wasn't available, due to extra jobs. she spent quality time with a co-worker. far as i know they are still together and i moved on. it took some time to heal, but i look at it now as a learning experience.

cc

 

[AClayton]

I really do appreciate all the advice and hearing different views about these things. We actually found a place for her to rent this evening and all seems well. We payed what we had to and she will be moving out in about 2 weeks. It is hard to think about.



Alan

 

[GHarman]

AClayton, I dont claim to have all the answers. My Wife and I have had trouble and are, by GODS GRACE, weathering it. We watched a movie, together that really put things into perspective. its called "Fireproof". There is a workbook called the Love Dare. I dont know what kind of communications you have with your Wife? If you could talk her into seeing this movie, with you? It may be a start. My wife was behind a "wall" also! We are still not out of the woods, yet! But we are working on it. Christ is our ROCK. You must have a mutual anchor point beyond the Children, that is greater than you! We have a 9 year old Son. Heres a synopsis of the movie. GregH



Fireproof (2008) - Synopsis

 

[kenny61]

Sorry to hear that buddy

 

[AClayton]

I think my biggest mistake in this entire drama infested,argumentative tonque-lashing,was the fact that I have been telling her for too long that she could not leave. We all have dated the notorious 'blond bomb-shell' from time to time,and needed to bail them out of constant trouble. You guys know them... . good in bed but everything else,job,home life,parenting and responsibilty were not there strong suits!But 'good in bed' got our attention and we end up keeping them around.



I did that for too many years and decided to make a change and search for the Career Oriented woman. I found this person about 8 yrs ago,got married 7yrs ago and had two girls. I quickly found out that the 'career oriented' spouses have all the responibilty,parenting control,check book and bills,house cleaning and most..... nearly all of the decision making... . BUT,lack seriously in the bedroom dept. Very stressful!!The decision making aspect of our marriage is what causes most of our problems... . I'm sure you'll remember our problems with deciding what 5th wheel to purchase. I started a thread about a month ago where she wanted a huge 5th wheel that was less than stellar and way too big for my truck. Well,she sees in the campgrounds,all the trucks like mine towing huge rigs and assumes that I have problems with the one she picked out. Which i did,it was too big for my truck!!We ended up keeping our MH after several more fights... . good thing with this news added to my list of problems!!



Anyway... . GHarmon-I will suggest this movie to her this weekend..... another goofy addition to our long line of strange events in a divorce..... we are going camping this weekend with friends.



I think she may need time to herself... . that is the only thing we haven't tried yet. Be patient,let her move out and let time pass. I know she cares still... . despite the strong-willed,independent exterior shell she is surrounded in.



Thanks guys-Alan

 

[fest3er]

Ah, perhaps the problem was partly due to you saying she was wrong. Mayhap it would've ended differently had you agreed with her choice of 5th wheel, then showed her pictures you'd found of careened and caromed 5th wheels towed by P/Us that were too small, and let her decide the risk was too great. But maybe not.

My brother went through something like this a few years ago. He put her through nursing school. They separated, went their separate ways, got back together, then finally divorced after 20+ years. He tried. At first, it seemed she just didn't want to be married any more; but it was really she just didn't want to be married to him any more. They're still friendly. We recently helped her move out of her 'new' husband's home; she decided that his constant and excessive drinking (which he denies of course) was not good for her (and my brother's) 11 y. o daughter, even only on weekends.

 

[DValentine]

I worked in the trade, with an old timer, now retired. He had been married for 20 years and then the day came when she left. In retrospect he passed on this tid bit.

" I gave here everything she wanted. Not what she needed. "

As previously mentioned... "she just wanted me around more" is tough to hear. Allan, you are busting your butt to provide, and that may not be what she needed. It is sad to see. I hope you guys can lay the egos aside and talk.

I have only been married 4 years. Not much time, but I have learned that ego has no place in this union. The hardest thing for me to swallow is that my wife doesn't see the world like me, she doesn't react to the world like me, and she doesn't solve problems like me.

Listening and really hearing your partner is a lot of work. They have a different language, they say things differently. Sometimes they don't know what they want. Guys are wired differently.

Try reading "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" It helped both of us understand the different ways we are wired.

Dave