Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about
retirement,as many people do when they reach a certain age. I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes, and the myriad expenses. Then it hit me.
No nursing home for me!
My plan? I'm checking into a Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, I
thought there might be a better way to deal with getting old and
feeble.
So, I checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn, and a combined
long-term stay discount and a senior discount make the cost only
$49. 23 per night. That leaves $138. 77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, incidental expenses, and in-room TV movies! Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and a washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And, perhaps most importantly, I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars a day in tips should have the entire staff scrambling.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The
handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays (you don't actually have to go IN the church, y'know. And for a change of scenery, take the shuttle bus out to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into
decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take
your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever --
you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
>
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The
maid comes every day, and if you're less than fine they'll call an
undertaker or an ambulance, whichever seems most appropriate. If
you fall and break a hip on their property, Medicare will pay for the hip, and a cheap lawyer will see to it that Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life!
No worries about visits from family. They'll always be glad to
visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more
benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms
have coffee makers, reclining chairs and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children with free local phone calls, then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. (OK, you may have to adjust your standards of what constitutes "entertainment. ")
Often, they have special offers, like the Kids Eat Free program.
You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can
keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're
getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the
feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were
positively giddy at the idea of me checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. I could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!
"So, when I reach the golden age, I'll face it with a grin. Just
forward all my emails to a comfy Holiday Inn. "
retirement,as many people do when they reach a certain age. I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes, and the myriad expenses. Then it hit me.
No nursing home for me!
My plan? I'm checking into a Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, I
thought there might be a better way to deal with getting old and
feeble.
So, I checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn, and a combined
long-term stay discount and a senior discount make the cost only
$49. 23 per night. That leaves $138. 77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, incidental expenses, and in-room TV movies! Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and a washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And, perhaps most importantly, I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars a day in tips should have the entire staff scrambling.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The
handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays (you don't actually have to go IN the church, y'know. And for a change of scenery, take the shuttle bus out to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into
decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take
your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever --
you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
>
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The
maid comes every day, and if you're less than fine they'll call an
undertaker or an ambulance, whichever seems most appropriate. If
you fall and break a hip on their property, Medicare will pay for the hip, and a cheap lawyer will see to it that Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life!
No worries about visits from family. They'll always be glad to
visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more
benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms
have coffee makers, reclining chairs and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children with free local phone calls, then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. (OK, you may have to adjust your standards of what constitutes "entertainment. ")
Often, they have special offers, like the Kids Eat Free program.
You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.
Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can
keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're
getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the
feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were
positively giddy at the idea of me checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. I could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!
"So, when I reach the golden age, I'll face it with a grin. Just
forward all my emails to a comfy Holiday Inn. "
