Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
It's the Pitts
By Lee Pitts
The Hypocritic Oath
I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that...
I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and drive a car but condemn oil companies. I don't want trees cut for any purpose other than to
provide the lumber for my next house.
As a Hollywood celebrity I assert my God given right to sire at least four
children by three different wives and then protest about over-population in
the world.
I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmers and ranchers who feed me. I demand that politicians and federal judges in Washington
save all endangered species, except the small business man. I feel govemment is imminently qualified to micro-manage nature, after all, look what a smashing job they've done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM and assorted other alphabet
agencies.
As a self-righteous hypocrite it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day with barbecues and parades and by leaving tons of trash behind. I demand that feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That privilege
should be preserved for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into
a septic tank or the ocean.
I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my big city
backyard. After all, people live here! I give my permission for mountain
lions to eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat I demand the abominable
beast be shot on sight.
I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their drilling
more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the engine running. I will
write letters to the editor on my computer castigating utility companies for not providing enough electricity. At the same time I will send money to green
groups who want to tear down hydroelectric dams and stand in the way of any
new power producing projects.
I avow at the next cocktail party I attend while smoking a cigarette and
sipping a martini that I will sue the tobacco companies for causing my lung cancer.
Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a
garden I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it. As a pompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be taken away from farmers immediately, but I don't want it to effect the price, quantity or quality of the food I buy in the store. It is my strongly held conviction
that we should ban all pesticides, except the can of bug spray I use to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.
As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite I vow to help stop global warming by watching the Discover Channel on my giant sized television in my air conditioned house.
I assert that cattle pooping on our nation's grasslands is a national
disgrace while fertilizing my urban lawn with steer manure and urea is simply
good ecology. I will complain about fertilizer runoff from farms but not
from golf courses because 1 happen to be a golfer.
I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns despite the fact
that hunting groups have increased habitat and wildlife numbers. I demand that the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national forests but I'll cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to burn near my house.
As a card carrying hypocrite I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool and all animal by-products, except the ones used in medicine that might save my life. I
demand labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock album that
endorses killing cops.
Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite I firmly believe that rural
folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside and they
must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit some
day when I can escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the the barren
big city in which I currently reside.
By Lee Pitts
The Hypocritic Oath
I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that...
I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and drive a car but condemn oil companies. I don't want trees cut for any purpose other than to
provide the lumber for my next house.
As a Hollywood celebrity I assert my God given right to sire at least four
children by three different wives and then protest about over-population in
the world.
I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmers and ranchers who feed me. I demand that politicians and federal judges in Washington
save all endangered species, except the small business man. I feel govemment is imminently qualified to micro-manage nature, after all, look what a smashing job they've done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM and assorted other alphabet
agencies.
As a self-righteous hypocrite it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day with barbecues and parades and by leaving tons of trash behind. I demand that feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That privilege
should be preserved for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into
a septic tank or the ocean.
I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my big city
backyard. After all, people live here! I give my permission for mountain
lions to eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat I demand the abominable
beast be shot on sight.
I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their drilling
more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the engine running. I will
write letters to the editor on my computer castigating utility companies for not providing enough electricity. At the same time I will send money to green
groups who want to tear down hydroelectric dams and stand in the way of any
new power producing projects.
I avow at the next cocktail party I attend while smoking a cigarette and
sipping a martini that I will sue the tobacco companies for causing my lung cancer.
Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a
garden I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it. As a pompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be taken away from farmers immediately, but I don't want it to effect the price, quantity or quality of the food I buy in the store. It is my strongly held conviction
that we should ban all pesticides, except the can of bug spray I use to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.
As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite I vow to help stop global warming by watching the Discover Channel on my giant sized television in my air conditioned house.
I assert that cattle pooping on our nation's grasslands is a national
disgrace while fertilizing my urban lawn with steer manure and urea is simply
good ecology. I will complain about fertilizer runoff from farms but not
from golf courses because 1 happen to be a golfer.
I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns despite the fact
that hunting groups have increased habitat and wildlife numbers. I demand that the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national forests but I'll cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to burn near my house.
As a card carrying hypocrite I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool and all animal by-products, except the ones used in medicine that might save my life. I
demand labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock album that
endorses killing cops.
Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite I firmly believe that rural
folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside and they
must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit some
day when I can escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the the barren
big city in which I currently reside.
