The Joke Room

[BreaksEverything]

ok as I'm really not trying too P*** any one off

w/ the jokes I've found , I will post all jokes here

from now on . if you don't like what you read &

find it offensive , you have been warned as they are

only jokes .

have fun

yours truely , Breaks Everything

A. K. A. Trouble INC.

 

[BreaksEverything]

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.



When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.



Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:



DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P. S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

 

[BreaksEverything]

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane. " And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs . . and ten dollahs is ten dollahs. "

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go. " Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs. "

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars. "

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.

He turns to Mahtha as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't. "

And Mahtha replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Stumpy fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs. "

 

[BreaksEverything]

A lady gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The husband says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"

She says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

 

[BreaksEverything]

It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing. "

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing. "

 

[BreaksEverything]

A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle. " The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me. " With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate. "

 

[BreaksEverything]

Q. What’s the difference between a man and a government bond?

A. Bonds mature.

 

[BreaksEverything]

What Men Really Mean

"It's a guy thing. "

Really means... . "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. "



"Can I help with dinner?"

Really means... . "Why isn't it already on the table?"



"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear. "

Really means... . Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.



"It would take too long to explain. "

Really means... "I have no idea how it works.



"We're going to be late. "

Really means... . "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac. "



"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard. "

Really means... . "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. "



"That's interesting, dear. "

Really means... . "Are you still talking?"



"It's a really good movie. "

Really means... . "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women. "



"That's women's work. "

Really means... . "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless. "



"You know how bad my memory is. "

"Really means... . "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday. "



"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses. "

Really means... . "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe. "



"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal. "

Really means... . "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt. "



"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing. "

Really means... . "... And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon. "



"I can't find it. "

Really means... . "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless. "



"What did I do this time?"

Really means... . "What did you catch me at?"



"I heard you. "

Really means... . "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me. "



"You know I could never love anyone else. "

Really means... . "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse. "



"You look terrific. "

Really means... . "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving. "



"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are. "

Really means... . "No one will ever see us alive again. "



"We share the housework. "

Really means... . "I make the messes, she cleans them up. "

 

[BreaksEverything]

The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. It seems she's always fatigued from staying up all night long.



Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all. "



The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home. "

 

[BreaksEverything]

Bad Signs

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. . if you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.



In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.



In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.



A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.



In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.



In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.



In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.



From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.



From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, tootle him with vigor.



Sign in a shop in Merida, Mexico:

Broken English spoken fluently.



In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.



In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.



In an office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.



In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.



In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

 

[BreaksEverything]

The Keen Texas Salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department

store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything

under the sun.



"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his

interview.



"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took

an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next

day.



"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss

said.



The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was

5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting,

slumped and exhausted, in a chair.



"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.



"One," said the lad.



"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales

people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the

sale worth?"



"Exactly $101,334. 53," said the young man.



"How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.



"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small

fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large

hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge

one.



I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going

down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him

down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris

Craft with twin engines.



Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle

the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a

new GMC 1-ton pickup truck. "



"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss

asked in astonishment.



"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained.



"He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to

him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing. ' "

 

[BreaksEverything]

Men Are Like...

Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food

on the table.



Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of

emotion.



Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise

they just look silly.



Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.



Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken.



Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but

that's about it.



Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that

bright.



Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't

generate much interest.



Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get

the hang of it.



Men are like... miniskirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep

up your legs.

 

[BreaksEverything]

Satan's Sister

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.



Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.



Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.



Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"



The man says, "Yep, sure do. "



Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"



The man says, "Nope, sure ain't. "



Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"



"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years. "

 

[TDRadmin]

Jokes Deleted

I have deleted several jokes from this thread. They were in clear violation of website guidelines. Relevant portions of the guidelines are copied below:



2. Conduct. The TDR encourages lively and informative discussion among Discussion Forum participants. But keep it clean and productive. Do not use or allow others to use your subscription to:



2. 1 Repeatedly post any material that the moderators feel is antagonistic to others or instigates non-productive conflict between users as well as vendors.



2. 2. Post any material or comment that is considered to be "baiting" others into an unproductive conflict online. According to Webster's, baiting is: 1. ) to place a lure or trap; 2. ) to entice, especially by trickery or strategy; 3. ) to attack or torment, especially with persistent insults, criticism, or ridicule. Baiting is considered to be any post that intentionally badgers, heckles, or leads another user(s) into an antagonistic discussion.



2. 3. Post any form of solicitation on any Discussion Forum



2. 4. Post or transmit any material that is mean-spirited, abusive, obscene, hateful, fraudulent, threatening, vulgar harassing, or defamatory (the use of symbols or characters to mask profanity and expletives is prohibited and undermines the spirit of these guidelines);



2. 5. Post, transmit or link to sexually explicit material;



2. 6. Post or transmit any material that you don’t have authorization to transmit under the law (copyrighted material);



2. 7. Intentionally violate any applicable law or regulation;



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2. 9. Moderators may delete any post in violation of these guidelines.



2. 10 Occasional recommendations of vendors by users is encouraged. However excessive promotion of vendors (cheerleading) on the forums is discouraged and may be subject to removal.





Humor is great. But keep it clean.



Robin

TDR Admin

 

[lschultz]

Re: Satan's Sister

Originally posted by BreaksEverything

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.



Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.



Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.



Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"



The man says, "Yep, sure do. "



Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"



The man says, "Nope, sure ain't. "



Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"



"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years. "

Is this the Smithville,Tx I grew up in?I don't ever remember hearing anything about this. I'm

 

[BreaksEverything]

BUSTED!!!!

looks like I got spanked :--), oh well my bad

now back too our regularly scheduled programing



Subject: BUSTED!!!!LOL

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into

neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but

every

once in a while the lights would turn off.



Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into

cheers.



However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.



She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the

restroom?"



The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should. " "Why not? "

the

nun asked.



"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private

part is covered only by a fig leaf. "



"Nonsense, " said the nun, "I'll just look the other way. "



So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and

she

proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and

the

whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.



However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round

of

applause.



She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did

they

applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"



"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you

like a drink? " "But, I still don't understand, " said the puzzled

nun.



"You see, " laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted

on

the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that

drink?

 

[BreaksEverything]

They Do It On Command

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball

game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his

commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be

going

well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And

the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down

Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And

they all broke into applause and cheers.



Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot

dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a

riot in

progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant

replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and

yelled,

PEANUTS!'"

 

[BreaksEverything]

A beautiful, young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an

exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of

frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes

with complete instructions). "



The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and

whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one. " The

man

packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully. "

The

girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as

she

closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions

and

reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:



1. Take a shower.



2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.



3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.



4. Crawl into bed and place the frog on the bed.



She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise,

nothing

happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.

She

rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it

says,

"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. "

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints

earlier today. I'll be right over. "



Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady

welcomes

him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the

instructions

and the damn thing just sits there. " The man, looking very concerned,

he

picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:



"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more

time!"

 

[BreaksEverything]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS:

> >

> > "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR

> > WEEKS NOW. "

> >

> > HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE

I

> > HAVE A G. E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. "

> >

> > "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. " TO

WHICH

> > HE REPLIED- "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE DEFY WRITTEN

ON

> > MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. "

> > "FINE," SHE SAYS

> > "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT

> TO

> > BREAK. "

> >

> > "I'M NOT A DARN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS," HE SAYS.

> "DOES

> > IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE FEDS DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

> I'VE

> > HAD ENOUGH OFYOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"

> >

> > SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL

> > GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP

OUT.

> >

> > AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

> >

> > AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO

> GET

> > A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

> >

> > "HONEY, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

> >

> > SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE

> > YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG,

> > AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO

WAS

> > EITHER

> > GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. "

> > HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

> > SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO... ..... DO YOU SEE ALBANY'S BAKERY WRITTEN ON MY

> > FOREHEAD?"

> >