Today's Humor!!!

[PToombs]

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!

;



We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:



Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.



On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem

.



Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.



"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it. "



"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"



"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second. "



So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.



Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.



It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.



Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.



The impact knocked me out cold.



When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... ... and not succeeding.



Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!



Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

 

[bmoeller]

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

I'm laughing, but at the same time cringing. :-laf



Never been clawed there, but have been hit by a swinging log chain. :--) :{ :-laf

 

[Dual EE]

I think being knocked out may have saved that little kitty's life. :-laf

 

[Joe G.]

This little story reminds me of one of my favorites:



How do you Bathe a Cat?





1. Throughly clean the toilet.



2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.



3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).



CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.



6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.



8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

[J Shocik]

Pete, I just want to let you know the women out there in TDR-Land aren't the only ones laughing at your story. I just got done drying my eyes after reading about your kitty adventure. When my pug was a puppy, he used to bite the crotch of my jeans when I came home from work. Thank God he had small teeth & almost no nose snout. He never got "the jewels". My son even got him doing this on film once. But that doesn't compare to your kitty!!

I'd like to say "I feel your pain" but I can't. Sorry!! :-laf