Adoption Question(s)

[GIT-R-DONE]

After adopting a child, ( married to the mother of the child ), raising him/her as your own, do you tell the child at any time of his/her life that they were adopted ?



I am going to make this a poll question, but comments are welcome. Personal experiences welcome, and if its too personal, you can PM is desired. All PM would be kept confidential.



Thanks

 

[jawmail]

I would tell the child IMO. I've got two older adopted sisters and they were told at age 10 or so.

 

[E7mack96]

I adopted my oldest by going in and signing the birth cert. from when he was born. The real dad never did. Anyways, when me and the X split up, she was gonna tell him in a hurtful way. I decided to tell him in a proper way that I wasn't really his "biological" dad. I also told him that, through my own research, I knew who he was. I let the boy know that he could have the info (full name, ss#, ect. . ) whenever he was ready.

 

[GIT-R-DONE]

Ok, if you were to tell the child, at what age would be appropriate?

 

[GIT-R-DONE]

Ttt... ... .

 

[DieselMinded]

BEfore you tell them IMO you should have all the information about his/her real dad first maybe even contact information ... so they are not freakin about not knowing there Bio-Dad.



My buddy (WHITE) just adopted a Cute little (BLACK) girl ... . I dont think he has this same question weighing on his mind .



Another Groupe of people I know A Child thinks his (REAL Dad) is his unckle he is about 17 and nobody has told him yet ... . THATS WRONG ... but its not my place



DM

 

[Jumbo Jet]

Graduated from High School with a girl that didn't find out until she was 25. Went on an emotional roller coaster. Finally, through a lot of hard work and effort got to meet her blood kin in Germany.



My wife's father passed away last April. In his will he left instructions concerning his 3rd wife's son - she was pregnant by another man when they married. He mentioned in his will that he was not his blood, but made provision for him anyhow. He is 36 years old. He has disowned his Mother and his half-brother's and sisters. He is a real basket case right now.



My niece has twin blond hair blue eyed boys. She just adopted an Ethiopian baby girl. No questions there!

 

[RustyJC]

My wife's mother went through the divorce of natural father/remarriage issue when my wife was around 1 year old. When she was about 12 years old, she was told that she was adopted by her 2nd father. She still thinks of her adoptive father as her "real dad" although she kept in touch with her natural father until he died and still has some contact with his family.



Rusty

 

[loncray]

I think any adopted child deserves to know, if only for medical reasons as they deserve to know about any genetic problems or propensities that may be lurking in their future. As to what the 'proper age' is, I think that would depend on the child in question.

 

[lizzyhermit]

Absolutely tell them and everyone else, brothers, sisters, family etc.



We had 2 sons before we adopted our daughter 20 yrs ago. We asked the boys about getting a sister and she has been an integral part of our family ever sense. From her earliest memory she has known we wanted her, loved her and wanted to help her have a fruitful happy life which her birth Mother was unable to give her. But that her birth Mother also loved her enough to make a better life for her possible !!

 

[DHorton]

I almost would vote both ways. I think if you have determined that the child is mature enough to take the news or that they would care to know, then you should tell them. They can do nothing, but love the parents that were able to care for them. Main thing is to never bash the biological parent(s), no matter what the circumstances were. This never helped a child at any point. Explain that there were circumstances that made you blessed enough to be able to adopt them and that you would never trade that for anything. Very tough question and I know there are no cut and dry answers. Follow your heart and I don't think you will go wrong.

 

[Woodenhead]

I just asked my wife about this one for ya. My wife was adopted when she was three, her adopted father is married to her mom. She was told when she was 7 that she was adopted. It was hard for her parents to hide it because her biological dads parents kept in close touch with her and her mother. She said it never bothered her, once in a while if she didn't get her way when she was a teen she'd think to herself I bet my real dad would let me... She's always looked at her adopted Dad as her real Dad, he raised her, took care of her when she was sick, cried when he gave her away at our wedding and cried when she moved away from home with me (I'm a jerk) :{ He's a helluva guy and I admire him for the way he's raised her as his own. She's never really ackowledged her biological Dad because he's a real dead beat and calls about every few years to say "didn't you have a birthday or something a while ago". Whenever we drive out where his parents live (her biological grand parents) we try to stop in for a visit, they're good people. In a nut shell being a parent is 99. 9% who you are in your childs eyes and 0. 01% who donated the sperm. It get's confusing, sorry for the rambling.



Mike

 

[GFritsch]

Absolutely tell them and everyone else, brothers, sisters, family etc.



We had 2 sons before we adopted our daughter 20 yrs ago. We asked the boys about getting a sister and she has been an integral part of our family ever sense. From her earliest memory she has known we wanted her, loved her and wanted to help her have a fruitful happy life which her birth Mother was unable to give her. But that her birth Mother also loved her enough to make a better life for her possible !!

I agree. Waiting only puts into question the legitimacy of the child being a real member of the family.



As a side note I can't think of anything finer a human being could do than adopt and give a loving home to child.



Greg

 

[GIT-R-DONE]

Well, I will elaborate a little more here. MY boy is legally adopted by me. I am married to his mother. I have been with him since he was 6 months old, and he knows no-one but me as dad.

His biological donor is a big time loser as he is an alcoholic and is into the drug world. I understand about the medical information being obtained and that was done a long time ago. Now, he knows no different, and he is only 6 years old.



See if I am thinking right here... . my plan was to wait until he is about out of high school and possibly tell him then. I dont want to create any panic or confusion until he is old enough to understand the situation. For now, he is too young and would only complicate his thinking or perception for what happened.



He will be told, I just think he has to be mature enough to understand and if he wants to at that time to hunt up old relatives, he can do so on his own. There is NO communication with any of his donors family and hasn't been since he was 6 months old. His donor wanted nothing to do with him and has wanted no contact with him, which is fine with me.



I was just looking for you alls view point on this and seems pretty simple according to the polls that he should be told, just at the right time.



Any other words of advice/comments ?

 

[Joe G.]

One thing more. You should make some kind of arrangements to insure that he is told if you are not around to do it. I do a lot of genealogy research. Every so often I see a post from someone searching for some information about their biogical parents that they did not know about until recently. Kind of a sad thing.

 

[lizzyhermit]

Git-R_Done, tread carefully. The way I understand the legal system, all it takes is a court hearing to put the "donor" back into his life. Start slowly, be gentle and understanding. I'd suggest father and son discussions while doing boy things. Especially as he starts schooling where he would be around other adopted children... . our Daughter knows of her biological Mother and almost daily agrees the biological Mother is a loser and she's much better off with us !!!! she has never gotten in our faces about how her "real" Mother would treat her different or better.



even during the rough teenage years she has never been anything other than appreciative and supportive of her adoption.