Bad Jokes

[Sticks]

Story joke. Sorry it’s long. I can't remember short ones.



These three guys are on Safari in the Amazon. They were warned before they went that there are cannibal tribes that are still active where they planned on going. Well guess what, they got captured.



The three guys are sitting in a grass hut in the village when the chief walks in. “Welcome to our tribe. I am not going to kid you. We are cannibals and we do eat the people that we catch. We are not a wasteful people. All, and I do mean all, of the body we use to better our lives. Obviously we eat the meat, but we also use the bones to make jewelry, tools and utensils. The intestines are made into cord for our bows and such, and we tan the hides for our canoes. So be at ease, we are going to eat you, but all of you will be kept in the circle of life and nothing will go to waste.



I also want you to know that we are a modern people, and humane. You will not feel any pain in your death, and before that time comes, we will make you as comfortable as possible and grant you one last request. Anything you want…except for being let go, we will grant. ” The chief looks at the first guy and says, “You will be first, what is your last request?”



“Anything I want?”



“Anything. ”



The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Fine. I want a cigar. A nice, big, hand rolled cigar. ”



The chief smiles a huge grin, “No problem! We will get you the best cigar you have ever had. ” He walks outside and you hear him giving orders to some of his tribe. An hour later the chief comes back with 5 very beautiful women, one of them holding this foot long, had rolled cigar. She hands it to the first guy, and the chief pulls a brand from the fire pit and lights it himself. After a minute or so the guy says, “Wow, this is the best cigar I have ever had. This is excellent!” He leans back and takes over an hour to smoke it while the women are massaging and pampering him.



When he is done, a couple of guards come in and escort him outside. Later that night the tribe was having a party and the remaining two could see that they were definitely eating him up.



The next morning when the remaining two woke, they could see lots of activity in the village. There were women tanning a hide, some whittling away making tools, and some were making jewelry.

Around noon the chief comes back into the tent and looks at the second guy. “OK. Today it is your turn. As you can see, we are working on your friend, and he died very peacefully. What is your last request?”



The guy thinks for a couple of minutes and says, “I want big turkey dinner. ”



The chief smiles a huge grin, “No problem! We make you the best dinner you have ever had!” He walks outside and you hear him giving orders to some of his tribe. A few hours later the chief comes back with 15 very beautiful women, each of them holding a platter of steaming food. The set up a large table for the guy, someone brings in what appears to be an ornately carved padded throne and the chief himself carves the turkey and serves the guy.



After he takes a few bites, he says, “This is delicious, absolutely delicious!” It takes him 3 hours to eat his dinner and when he is done and quite fat and happy, a couple of guards come in and escort him outside. Later that night the tribe had another party.



In the morning, the last guy awoke to more activity in the village. People were carving and hammering, and a couple were working on what appeared to be a canoe.



Around noon the chief comes back into the tent and looks at the last guy. “OK. Today it is your turn. As you can see, we are working on your friend, and he died very peacefully. As you saw, we kept our word and both of your friends got their last wish. None of them went to waste. See this?”, the chief is indicating a very ornately carved necklace inlaid with gold and jewels, “This was just finished this morning. We are artists and cherish that which provides our food. What is your last request?”





...





The guy thinks for a minute and gets this twisted grin. “Anything I want?”



“Except for being let go”





...







“No matter what it is?”



“Anything”





...









“I want a fork. ”



“A what?” the chief asks with a very confused look.



“I said I want a fork. ”



“This is the last thing you will get on this world before you go on to the next plane of existence. Are you sure all you want is a fork?”





...









“Yes. I’m quite sure. All I want is a fork. ”



Looking very confused, the chief shrugs his shoulders and steps outside. A few minutes later he comes back with a very ornately carved fork inlaid with gold and jewels. “This was my fathers fork, and his fathers fork, and the fathers before him. This has been passed through my line since we could remember. Nothing goes to waste. This I give to you. ” And he hands it to the last guy.



The guy looks at it and is truly impressed with the detail of the carvings. He agrees to himself that this tribe are artists. The twisted smile comes back on his face as he looks the chief dead in the eye and starts stabbing himself repeatedly all over his body with the fork and says to the chief, “**** YOUR CANOE!”

 

[klenger]

#ad




Well, I tried to post one about a ****, but the automatic sensor gods did a number on it. Here's a link to it on my website.



*EDIT*--Sorry, Ken, I had to remove the link from the boards. BUT--feel free to PM it around, it is rather funny. Thanks for understanding, Dan-



No problem Dan.



I have many funny stories on my Humor page on my website at http://www.klenger.net.

 

[CumminsPuller]

Did my jike get removed? Did it offend someone? If so, I apologize.



Jason

 

[Scot]

So i'm driving down to the deer lease and see this giant jack rabbit standing on the side of the road. As I get nearer to it, it steps over onto the white line and shoots me the finger. This was totally uncalled for so I swerved over a bit to scare him. Well with the crown in the road and all of that I wound up hitting and killing the jack rabbit.



Now this huge beast was laying in the middle of the highway and a hazard to other lesser vehicles. I stopped and was dragging it off the road when a state highway department truck pulled up. The guy gets out and I expalined the situation to him. He says "No problem, we will handle it. " He gets this can of aerosol spray out and starts spraying it all over the rabbit. Suddenly, it comes back to life and runs off, only pausing periodically to wave at us.



I asked him what was in the can and he replied:



Hare restorer with permanant wave.



true story

 

[Scot]

On another trip to the deer lease, I am down near College Station TX (home of the TX A&M Aggies) and see this guy standing under a giant oak tree with a huge pig on his shoulders. I had to stop and unravel this mystery. Upon closer inspection, he was letting the pig eat acorns off the tree as he held it.



I volunteered that it would save a lot of time to put the pig on the ground and knock the acorns out of the tree with a stick.



He replied:



"What's time to a pig?"

 

[bmoeller]

Here are a couple that I saw on www.bobandtom.com/gen3/jokes1.htm



Oprah, interviewing the infamous Captain Hook, inquired as to the loss of his leg, supplanted by the obvious peg leg. The pirate said it was caught between two ships at sea during a battle and had to be apmutated. Asked the genesis of the famous steel hook instead of a left hand, Hook said he'd lost his hand in a fierce sword fight years earlier. Finally, stirred by the adventurous tale, Oprah asked how he lost his right eye, now covered by a coal black eye-patch. Hook said "I glanced up and a passing seagull's poop fell right into my eye". Astonished, Oprah said "How in the world could that cause the loss of your eye"? The pirate replied, "It was my first day with the hook".



Submitted by Nick Holm

Friday, September 24, 2004





An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee. " The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up. " He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee. " The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot *****, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.



Submitted by Mike Hoffmann

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

 

[bmoeller]

And another-



A filthy rich man in Florida decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who is brave enough to jump in. " The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. ! Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million doll ars. "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then? "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool. "



Submitted by Tim Kelly

Monday, September 20, 2004

 

[midlife crisis]

On the first day of school, the third grade history teacher decides to asks the class some questions to get a sense of their knowledge. So she asks " Class, who had a speech that started with "Four Score and seven years ago"?. One hand goes up. The teacher says "go ahead". The Japanese foreign exchange student stands up and says " Abraham Lincoln". The teacher seems a little surprised, but asks, "Who had a speech that said " Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"? Again only one hand went up. The teacher said "go ahead". Again the little Japanese girl stands and says " John F. Kennedy 1963". Dismayed,the teacher must ask the kids, " Children, how is it no one here knows the answers to these American History questions except for the Japanese exchange student?". . Silence... . Then, From the back of the room she hears someone yell " SCREW THE JAPANESE!!". The teacher fires back-" Who said that?". Little Johnny stands up and says " DOUGLAS MACARTHUR 1941!".

 

[bmoeller]

From the back of the room she hears someone yell " SCREW THE JAPANESE!!". The teacher fires back-" Who said that?". Little Johnny stands up and says " DOUGLAS MACARTHUR 1941!".

:-laf :-laf

 

[PLaFrombois]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.



An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.



The older doctor marched down the hallway back where the young doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!"



The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[PLaFrombois]

It's Football Season

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows, when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points"



His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"



The old man replies, "It's fart football"



A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score. "



After about five minutes, the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7. "



Not to be out done, the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score. "



Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14. " Now the pressure is on the old man.



He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidently poops in the bed.



The wife says "What the hell was that?"



The old man replies, "Half time, switch sides. "

 

[cap-n-cray]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!



Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.



Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get ahold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!



Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.



A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.



The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral)!



"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks. "



Cary

 

[ob1kobi]

The Ranch Hand

The Ranch Hand



A successful rancher died and left everything to his

devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to

keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,

so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a

ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay

and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one

else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring

it would be safer to have him around the house than

the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long

hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was

doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow

said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good

job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into

town and kick up your heels. "

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one

Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two

o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the

room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the

fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my

blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did

as she directed. "Now take off my boots. " He did as

she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks. " He removed each gently and

placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt. " He slowly unbuttoned it,

constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra. " Again, with trembling

hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the

floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties. " By the

light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my

clothes into town again, you're fired. "

 

[ob1kobi]

The Amazing Claud

It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As

Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend

to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. "



The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.



"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. "



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch... . " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.



Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.



"CRAP!" said the hypnotist.



It took three weeks to clean up the theater

 

[HOBrian]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!



Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.



Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get ahold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!



Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.



A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.



The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral)!



"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks. "



Cary

ROTFLMAO :-laf :-laf :-laf :-laf

 

[MDietrich]

:-laf :-laf :-laf at the Ranch Hand. LMAO!

 

[ob1kobi]

yeah, I thought it was hilarious. I didn't expect the last line when I first read it either, LOL

 

[IC Smoke]

why do guys sweat bullets, get weak in the knees, and overly excited over a girl in leather...























It reminds them of the new truck smell





(I got it off the radio this morning)

 

[ob1kobi]

Chili Judging Contest

This has been around a while, but I still laugh when I read it... .



A Carolina Chili Contest

If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Carolina from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Carolinians) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Carolinians are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili, south of the border.

 

[nps]

OB1



ROTFLMAO :-laf :-laf



Laughed as much at that one as I did the one following: (disclaimer - I pulled this from another TDR thread - it's not original - I have to give Champagne Flight credit)



CALLING IN SICK

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.



On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury

and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.



The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but

one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it. "



"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"



"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second. "



So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.



It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.



Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.



When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"



If they had only known!!