continued
The lawyer was strolling downtown one day when he spotted a man walking in the opposite direction who was being followed by twenty penguins. The man had a worried look on his face, which is perfectly normal because everyone knows how dangerous a bunch of penguins can be if cornered "What are you doing?" asked the lawyer.
"I'm supposed to take these penguins to the zoo, but if I do, I'll miss my appointment. Would it be possible for you to take them there for me?" the man asked
"No problem", replied the lawyer.
About three hours later, the man was on the way out of his meeting when he saw the lawyer going the other way, away from the zoo, and behind him followed the twenty penguins. The man ran over to him "What do you think you're doing?" asked the man.
"Well, I took the penguins to the zoo like you wanted, but they got tired, so now I'm taking them to a movie!"
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely. "
"Then you owe me $8. 50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. "
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8. 50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked.
"Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern. "
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away... " Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havana's, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away... ". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely. "
"Then you owe me $8. 50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. "
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8. 50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out.
One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up.
The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink ?'' the doctor says.
"AFTER the police get here'' replies the lawyer.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out. "
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me. '"
One evening after the theatre, two men were walking down Broadway when they saw a well-dressed and attractive woman walking just ahead of them. One man turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50 to sleep with that woman. "
To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and, turning around, said, "I'll take you up on that. " She looked neat and sounded educated so, bidding his companion goodnight, the lucky man accompanied the young lady to her flat, where they immediately went to bed.
Next morning the man presented her with $25 and prepared to leave. But she demanded the rest of the money and threatened, "If you don't give it me, I'll sue. "
The man only laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds. "
He was surprised to receive a summons the next day, ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. When he told his lawyer the details of the case, he was assured that there were no grounds on which the young lady could succeed in law.
After the usual preliminaries, the woman's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
Your Honor, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property,
a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which she agreed
to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.
The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented; but, upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25, one half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it was restricted property with vacant possession, and we ask that judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.
The man's lawyer was amused and impressed by the way his opponent had presented the case. He replied: Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a while, and that a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump--all labor personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff has been adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We therefore ask that no judgment be granted.
When it came time for rebuttal, the young lady's lawyer rejoined:
Your Honor, my client agrees the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did make desirable improvements as my opponent has described.
However, had the defendant not known the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In so doing, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children.
Judgment was entered for the plaintiff.
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