"Bless Your Heart" Contest (Ends: July 31, 2011)

[TDRadmin]

OK, it is time for something easy and that will bring a smile or two without any brain power. The summer heat is starting to drain our creative juices.



So . . . I was reading a couple of "bless your heart" jokes this morning in the paper. It just struck me as interesting what you guys could come up with. You know the kind of jokes - those insults that Southerners can get away with because it is prefaced with the words, "Bless your heart. "



For example, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway. "



All you have to do is post a witty joke or jab. Something that makes us laugh. It does not have to be a "Bless your heart" joke, but it does have to be clean.



Five winners will receive a one-year complimentary renewal to the TDR.



Winners will be posted on August 1.



Let me help to get you started:





- Bless her heart, she just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.





- A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road. " But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door. "





- Bless his heart, his mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.





You get the picture.



OK, get busy and make us snicker.

 

[TDRadmin]

You Know You've Had Too Much Caffeine When:

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When . . .



*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you



*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked



*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth



*You sleep with your eyes open



*You have to watch videos in fast-forward



*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze



*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet



*You can jump-start your truck without cables



*Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"



*You don't sweat, you percolate



*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee



*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"



*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"



*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I. V. hookup

 

[TDRadmin]

You Might Be A High Tech Redneck If ... .

You might be a "high tech redneck" if... .



- your email address ends in "over. yonder.com"



- you connect to the WWW via "Down Home Page"



- your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith & Wesson"



- your computer is worth more than all your trucks combined



- you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer



- you refer to your computer as "that good ol' gal"



- your screen saver is an image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal



- you start all your emails with "Howdy, y'all"



- your spell-checker knows words like "Reckon", "Yonder", and "Y'all"



- your truck sits in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPU's



- your belt buckle is made from a dead 3. 5" hard drive



- your computer beep is (insert farm animal sound here)



- hay has been found inside your laptop carrying case



- you have caught yourself coaxing a slow speed machine with cluck sounds, kiss sounds or giddyup

 

[RDeFayette]

Do you know what a crying shame is?

A bus full of lawyers drove off the Golden Gate Bridge... ... ... ... ... .

There where 3 empty seats!

 

[RDeFayette]

Why does New Jersey have all the chemical waste dumps and California have all the lawyers?

New Jersey got first choice!

 

[Grizzly]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.



As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to. "

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old man's feet.



The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.



Everybody was laughing -- fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.



The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.



The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ***?"



The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... ... But, I've always wanted to. "



There are a few lessons for us all here:



Never be arrogant.



Don't waste ammunition.



Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.



Always, always make sure you know who has the power.



Don't mess with old folks -- they didn't get old by being stupid.



Bless the old prospector's heart.







george

 

[WDixon27]

Lost



A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am. "



The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude. "



"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.



"I am" replies the man. "How did you know. "



"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. "



The man below says "You must be a manager. "



"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"



"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault. "

 

[WDixon27]

Parrot



A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot.

He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him.

After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment. "

The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer.

About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door.

As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

 

[ata]

The other day I went to my financial advisor and asked what I should be buying in the current market. He said if we stay with the current adminstration I should be buying CANNED GOODS and AMMUNITION!

 

[MuddFlapp]

Two Blonds were following some tracks through the woods, one thought they were Deer tracks the other thought they were Moose tracks,... ..... they were still arguing about it when the train hit them.







What do you call a cow with no legs?... ... ... . Ground Beef!



What do you call a dog with no legs?... ... ... ... Doesn't matter, he's not coming anyway.







What's the difference between a Catfish and a Lawyer?



One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish!





:-laf:-laf:-laf:-laf:-laf:-laf:-laf:-laf:-laf:-laf:

 

[EWingertsahn]

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says " I can't serve the likes of you". The mushroom says "why I'm fun guy".

Enjoy

 

[RedRamAndy]

You might be a Redneck if everything you own is on blocks.

 

[Grizzly]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.



The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:



“Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two ***** come together.

I come once-a-more! .

Two *****, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time. ”

The lady can't take this anymore,



“You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives. ”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '. . ”

$5. 00 says you're gonna read this again. J

 

[MuddFlapp]

$5. 00 says you're gonna read this again. J

How about three times. I gotta borrow this one.



Thanks:-laf

 

[Grizzly]

How about three times. I gotta borrow this one.



Thanks:-laf

Go for it, it is a good one!.

 

[Grizzly]

CATHOLIC COFFEE

>

>

> Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee...

>

>

> The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. "

>

> The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'. "

>

> The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'. "

>

> The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'. "

>

> Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well... . ?"

>

> She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

> Slim, & Tall,

>

> 38D breast,

>

> 24" waist and

>

> 34" hips.

>

> When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God. "





Bless her Heart.

 

[Missouri Mule]

Three men,a Cuban,a Afro American and Redneclk get marrooned on distant island. As they search the Island one of them stumbles on a lamp like the a lamp in the story of Aladin.

They rub the lamp and Genie appears. He says to them that he usually grants three wishes but since there was three of them he grant them one each.

The Cuban wishes that he could go back to Cuba and be instrumental in helping to over throw Castro and help Cuba be the great Country it used to be. The Genie stays OK and poof the Cuban is gone.

The AFroAmerican wishes he could bo back to Africa and help the people there to be free of poverty. The Genie says Ok and poof the Afro American is gone.

He turns to the Redneck and ask him what his wish was. The Redneck says Bless Your Heart give me a Bud. Life Can't Get Any Better Than This!

 

[04blackcherry]

Bless his heart, the boy only has 2 brain cells in his head, and those are fighting for dominance.

 

[surfbeetle]

Three men,a Cuban,a Afro American and Redneclk get marrooned on distant island. As they search the Island one of them stumbles on a lamp like the a lamp in the story of Aladin.
They rub the lamp and Genie appears. He says to them that he usually grants three wishes but since there was three of them he grant them one each.
The Cuban wishes that he could go back to Cuba and be instrumental in helping to over throw Castro and help Cuba be the great Country it used to be. The Genie stays OK and poof the Cuban is gone.
The AFroAmerican wishes he could bo back to Africa and help the people there to be free of poverty. The Genie says Ok and poof the Afro American is gone.
He turns to the Redneck and ask him what his wish was. The Redneck says Bless Your Heart give me a Bud. Life Can't Get Any Better Than This!

The punchline I heard was: The redneck says "it's sure lonely here, I wish my two friends were back here with me!"

 

[surfbeetle]

A wise Chinese man lines up his three sons and asks each the following question:

"Number One Son, did you push outhouse over cliff?"

Number One Son replies, "no honorable father, I no push outhouse over cliff"



"Number Two Son, did you push outhouse over cliff?"

Number Two Son replies, "no honorable father, I no push outhouse over cliff"



"Number Three Son, did you push outhouse over cliff?"

Number Three Son replies, "no honorable father, I no push outhouse over cliff"



The wise China-man sensing that something was amiss explained the story of George Washington and the Cherry Tree to his three boys... "sons, George Washington told the truth after cutting down the Cherry Tree and George's father was proud of his son for being honest, he did not punish George. "



"So my honorable sons, I ask again"

"Number One Son, did you push outhouse over cliff?"

Number One Son replies, "no honorable father, I no push outhouse over cliff"



"Number Two Son, did you push outhouse over cliff?"

Number Two Son replies, "Yes honorable father, I did push outhouse over cliff"



At this point, the China-man gave the number two son a severe punishment.



Stunned and Confused, number two son says, "honorable father, you say George Washington's father was proud of son for telling the truth, why you punish me when I tell truth?"



The father replied, "yes George's father was proud of George, but he was not in Cherry Tree!!"