Caring for elderly family members

[jgillott]

Has anyone else had elderly family live with them do to health reasons or other factors? As I mentioned in another thread a while back, do to some factors beyond our control, we now are caring for my parents and an 87 year old aunt.

So far, things have been OK. But there are days like today where I just want to bang my head off of the wall. For those of you that have been through this, please tell me that I'm not the most awful person on earth for getting frustrated at times.

Thanks for letting me vent....

 

[mwilson]

It is frustrating. On several levels.

You see your potential future...
People that you depended on are now dependent on you....
Some things come out that you never really wanted to know, like ever....

You are not a bad person......

 

[JR]

Bless you for stepping up and caring for them in a time of need. Good luck and hang in there.

 

[GHarman]

jgilliot,
Hey Pardner! Watching Your Parents fail is not fun! We took care of My Mom, in her final months. She was always a trouper, but her body was failing Her.
Just keep close watch on the health insurance bills and the providers. The potential for abuse by these systems and providers is very high.
Ask questions if You accompany them to their Dr. appointments.
Frustration accompanies the task. Some handle it better than others. We are not perfect. The Elderly are also frustrated with themselves and can get difficult because they can no longer do what they used to, as a matter of routine. They really get embarrassed when they have accidents. Their heart ache is just as strong as our frustrations in caring for them. Understanding their exasperation with themselves, when we have had no training or preparation is a learning experience and one of the most difficult and emotional things I have had the privilege of being a part of! Its far better for Loved ones to spend their last months or years in the company of family than with indifferent and sometimes cruel strangers with an agenda! When they are gone, You will relive the times together, in Your mind and Heart! Guaranteed!

Hang Tough, Friend! You are doing the right thing. It doesn't pay well but the benefits are "Out of this World"

GregH

 

[Cooper_D]

Each situation is different and all difficult!

We went through it with my parents and aunt 10 years ago and now are going through it with my mother in law. Thankfully none lived with us, but we did care for my parents while they lived next door. All eventually ended up in nursing care.

A friend of mine did what you are doing with his and her mother. He contacted a local college that has a nursing program and was able to hire students to help out during the day while he & his wife worked.

The students did the jobs like bathing, dressing etc. It was good training for them and a lot less cost than the nursing homes they were in before.

At first they only needed help 1 or 2 days a week and as time went on it became 3 than 4 etc.

Don't beat yourself to bad! Just remember to take time for you!

We didn't take enough time for us and ended up feeling as if we lost 7 years of our lives

 

[GCroyle]

jgilliott,

No, your not crazy. Yet.

My Mom lived with us for a while and now MIL is with us.

I have to give massive kudo's to my better half. She has been the go between for MIL and the medical community and all of the associated issues. Yeah it makes for a trying day or weekend every so often but she's a real caregiver and that is the title she uses in conversations. MIL feeds the dog's table scraps, more treats than they ever need, has an arms reach craft supply zone in the living room, can't hear for a darn, remembers everything, want's her egg just so every single morning, shakes salt on her food like an Ohio DOT snow plow, over splurges on the grand kids and great grand kids. But our home is now her home, go figure a 1st gen Pole from Cleveland living in SC, no fresh Kielbasi anywhere. ya'll want grits with your eggs honey?

Advice for you, clean your shop and start a project no matter how small or unimportant overall, its you're getaway, engulf yourself in a some selfish time and keep your chin up.

Maybe if things get really bad, visit a nursing home. I bet you'll come home real proud of your efforts to take care of the folks.

Go buy yourself a new 1/2" drive ratchet.

 

[jgillott]

Thanks guys for the kind words. It's good to know that we are not alone.

I feel a little better knowing that you have gone through the same things. My mother has had multiple strokes and is to the point that she would be in a nursing home if she wasn't here with us. Physically, she is still good. She is very mobile. But, she has very little cognitive function. She needs assistance dressing, toileting, etc. Thankfully, my father is still able to help with a large portion of that. Tonight I guess I just got frustrated. I was trying to make dinner and she had a couple of accidents. I think I'm just tired and I feel guilty when I get frustrated.

 

[Wayne M.]

J, try to hang in there. It's huge that you even have the facility to handle it. I assume this is all at your place? Our arrangement is a two family house with us hosting her parents. It's been going on for about 12 years. There have been moments when I wondered what I did to myself, but basically they're good to us, and it's been mutual where we help each other. They have maintenance free living and we have Grandparents whenever we need 'em. Just now MIL is recovering from a bad hernia correction surgery that hasn't been right for about a decade. FIL is a retired commercial/ piano mover/ warehouseman who's had it tough. He's slowing down fast, and Gram is having ill effects from the anesthesia. Yep, it's gonna get real interesting around here at some point. I fully understand about the patience bit. Wife and MIL just spat cause MIL is subborn and needs to follow up and get with the therapy after this surgery. It's gonna be one day at a time!
I admire all who put others before themselves, and I believe all good deeds are recognized at a point.

 

[jgillott]

Well, the living arrangement is a story all in itself. My house is fairly large 4 bedroom 2 1/2 bath ~2800 sq/ft. We have moved them in here since the kitchen, bedrooms, baths, etc are all on one floor and they don't have to deal with steps. To make room, we have moved a lot of our stuff in to their house for now. Nothing like having to go to another house to find clothes etc that you have packed up in a box. I usually realize I'm missing something at 4:00 AM:-laf

 

[bighammer]

Hang in there, I know it's tough to deal with. Make sure that you get some breaks from it, especially as it gets harder. Being "on duty" 24/7/365 will wear you out and draw down your patience level. Even though they are family, there are limits on what you can do.

My parents were 4 hours away and were very lucky my niece stepped up to help them out. After my mom passed, my dad got to be too much and my brother and his wife (her parents) and her younger brother and his wife all moved in to help out. When you get to a point you need help, ask for it. The distance was not easy, but I did my best to visit often and help with what I could, give them a break, etc.

It's sad to them decline, but in the end, they were happy to be surrounded by family and live their last days in their own home. I think familiar faces and surroundings ease the confusion. For both, Hospice was a HUGE help for keeping the sanity, dignity, and comfort in the whole process.

 

[Simplysmn]

Taking care of Family Stink's Took my Mom in for 8 yr's till she passed .we had to modify the house to make room but it worked well.Had to get a Van with a handicap lift my Mom had what the call bamboo spine could not bend from about chest level down . And she was Not a small Woman .6 ft 1. But after the Van and redoing of the house it made thing's easier on all of us . then when she passed she went to hospital for a stomach ache and died 3 day's later found out she stroked during the night and Nurse didn't check on her from 7pm till 7 am . The Hardest thing is you get No Time off because it's a 24-7 365 day's a yr job . Hang in there and just know your doing the Right thing .Family Takes Care of Family and that will be remembered for a long time to come .

 

[jhenderson]

Stick it out, you'll be better for it in the end. My mother died away from our home. I offered to have her here with us but she said no. I should have insisted. I'll never forgive myself for not having her here at the end. My mother in law came to live with us at the age of 92. Up till then she had lived on her own. Forget all the MIL jokes, she was the 2nd sweetest woman in the world, my wife being the 1st. She died here, at home, about 6 months after moving in with us. I'm grateful for every day she was here, and it lessens my guilt about my own mother. Remember, when they are gone, they're gone a long time.

 

[jgillott]

Hey, thanks again everyone. It does help knowing that this is the right choice for all involved.

I had a contractor come in to make a few minor changes to 2 of the bathrooms today to make them a little safer. With my work schedule, I just didn't have time to get things done. I'm usually one that does everything myself, so it took a lot to call someone. But, as my better half always tells me, it's only money.

 

[jgillott]

On a side note, as someone mentioned earlier, dealing with the insurance companies, medications, Dr's, etc. is basically a full time job. I can't imagine my parents trying to deal with this end of it without help. It's no wonder that you are constantly hearing on the news about people loosing everything they have due to medical bills, etc.

 

[Bill Stockard]

On a side note, as someone mentioned earlier, dealing with the insurance companies, medications, Dr's, etc. is basically a full time job. I can't imagine my parents trying to deal with this end of it without help. It's no wonder that you are constantly hearing on the news about people loosing everything they have due to medical bills, etc.

That was one of the things I took over for my aging mother who lived across the driveway from us. My wife and I took care of all of it for over 10 years before her death. I took care of all her financials including her doctor appointments and either I or my wife accompanied her in order to hear what the doctor was telling her and to help her follow his directions. We also took care of her daily medications and either helped her prepare her meals or we prepared them ourselves and brought them to her. It was a big relief for her to not have to deal with paying bills, insurance, doctor appointments, daily meds, and preparing/eating regular meals. When it became very apparent that she was unable to live safely by herself any more, we placed her in a very nice new assisted living center. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. We continued to carefully monitor her stay and to take her to her doctor visits. She enjoyed her stay there and after her death I found a letter among her things that she had written, but had forgotten (failing memory among other problems) to give to us thanking me and my wife for placing her in assisted living and how much she enjoyed living and interacting with the other residents, many whom she already knew.

Bill

 

[Simplysmn]

trust me Wife is a Hospice Nurse and she Loves her Job .if or when the time comes and they need Hospice Call don't try to handle everything yourself .It will drive you Crazy. Having someone that comes in 1 or even 3 times a week makes a Hugh difference . Hang in there and ask for help and Don't be shy when the time comes .

 

[jgillott]

trust me Wife is a Hospice Nurse and she Loves her Job .if or when the time comes and they need Hospice Call don't try to handle everything yourself .It will drive you Crazy. Having someone that comes in 1 or even 3 times a week makes a Hugh difference . Hang in there and ask for help and Don't be shy when the time comes .

You're wife has to have quite the heart. It has to be tough to see this day in and day out as a job.

 

[Simplysmn]

Yeah she sure does but she worked the Hospital's and then went into Hospice and Just Loves what she does . She has had several cases that when they did pass broke her heart but some of them they are in such pain.you almost hope they go quicker then they end up going . they had 1 Patient that as the nurse was helping with a bath the lady rolled over in her Daughter's arm's and Passed .What get's her the Most is the Younger 1's they are the Rough 1's.