E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

[Ram4Sam]

One tough granny... ...

 

[mwilson]

One Sunday in church......

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family. "

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. "

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. "

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.



Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.

Give me an Amen brother!!!

 

[JHumphries]

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. "

 

[Superdawg]

Subject: Making Things Perfectly Clear ...

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, golfing, and fishing. And maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane as well. "

Tim got a horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife. "

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

 

[Wingate]

A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates. '' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama

 

[BIGNASTY]

A couple of guy's sitting at a bar after work one day, one asked the other what do you do for a living? Im a CPA I count money all day long. They take a couple of drinks and the other asked how about you? Im a Professional Wood Sniffer!!! WHAT!! HOW DOES THAT WORK? well I can put on a blindfold and you can wave any kind of wood under my nose and I take a sniff and can tell you the type of wood it is. AHHHH B. S. :-laf Ok let's try it so they blindfold the guy take a piece of Pine put it under his nose, He takes a sniff and proudly says thats a Pine southern yellow to be exact!! WOW!!! thats right so they take a piece of Red Oak and put it under his nose, Come on thats not a hard one it's Red Oak probably from Texas. WOW!!! This goes on for several more types of wood all are just dumbfounded by his ability, So they have the waitress drop her drawers and back up to him, He takes a sniff?????????? takes another sniff?????????? wow he says that's a different one but one more sniff please! so he takes a real big sniff and says I KNOW WHAT THAT IS !!!!!!!!! IT'S THE I TRIED TO BY-PASS THE CUSSING FILTER HOUSE DOOR OFF A TUNA BOAT!!!

 

[HHhuntitall]

Two blind pilots, both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane came aboard the plane.



Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.



The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.



The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.



In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die. "

 

[mwilson]

Norwegian Fire Department.....

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. "



But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.



Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.



From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.



Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.



Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.



The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"



"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"







Mike.

 

[Grizzly]

: The Miracle of Toilet Paper


>>Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
>>my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically
>>telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
>>suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
>>piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
>>
>>Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

>>front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
>>
>>"How long will this take?" I asked.
>>
>>"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped.
>>
>>"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
>>breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
>>Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
>>
>>He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
>>again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
>>straw.

 

[mwilson]

Boston Accent

Report on Crow Kills.

Well, it is not a pretty story... . about 200 dead crows near Boston, and there was concern or Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.



However,he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.



His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck. "





Mike. :-laf

 

[mwilson]

A little swearing but it loses something if I remove it.......

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPT. :







Dear Mrs. , Ms. , or Sir:



I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It’s on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damn passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.





Between you and me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bull****! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!





Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@& copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $25. 00. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile... Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally ****** off! Signed - An Irate Citizen.

P. S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor... . WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA! And you *******s want to run our health care system?????









Mike. :-laf

 

[mwilson]

JESUS AND THE PARTIES... ( I don't care what party you like, this one's

funny!!)



A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and

asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the

restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"



The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give

Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.



The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He

shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a

cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is

that Jesus, over there?"



The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of

hot tea, "My treat. "



The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.

He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey!

How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across

the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?



The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold

beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.



As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him

and said, "For your kindness, you are healed. " The Republican felt the

strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.



Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your

kindness, you are healed. " The Libertarian felt his back straightening

up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back

flips out the door.



Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.



The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me . . I'm collecting

disability. "







Mike.

 

[B.G. Smith]

A man went to the doctor with leg trouble. He asked the doctor to put his ear up to his hip and listen. The doctor heard coming from near the upper thigh, “Please loan me twenty dollars. ” The doctor couldn't believe it then the patient told the doctor to put his ear down by his knee. There he heard, “Please loan me ten dollars. ” The doctor was amazed but was instructed to listen near his ankle. It said, “Please let me have five dollars. ” The patient asked the doctor if he had ever seen anything like it before. The doctor thought a while and said, “The only thing I can figure out is your leg is broke in three places. ”

 

[mwilson]

Irish Court Case

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant... "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer. "



A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You *******!"



The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer. "



The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten *******!"



The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"



Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one. "

 

[GAmes]

Subject: Earl from Kentucky







Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was



the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist

assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she

would treat him with a high level of professionalism.



Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot

of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it. '



The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister. . " When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the

absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 per month in living expenses.

 

[The patriot]

Forgive me if this one is here, I didnt read all.

Wife comes home and tells me "The gynecologist said I cant have sex for 3 weeks. "

A little upset, I said "What did the dentist say?"

 

[HHhuntitall]

This morning, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes. Ten minutes!! Stupid dog. How easily they can be entertained!! It must be nice to entertain yourself so simply.

But then it dawns on me..... I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.....

 

[mwilson]

Threat Levels Around The World.

I am still laughing at the one referring to France... ... ... . Read on.









ALERTS TO THREATS

IN 2013 EUROPE



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved. ” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross. ” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance. ” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.



The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the *******s. ” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.



The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide. ” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender. ” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.



Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing. ” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides. ”



The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs. ” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose. ”



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . .



The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.



Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate. ” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled. ” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.



And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

 

[mwilson]

For My Ontario Friends......

Trip to Italy... Funny one...



A young Ontario woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the lake, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.



"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. "



With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.



"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.



"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy . "



"I see," the captain says.



Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me. "



"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Toronto Island Ferry. "

 

[mwilson]

New one...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked,
"When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"


Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.


The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud
the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she???