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E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....
- Thread starter mwilson
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Attention: TDR Forum Junkies To the point: Click this link and check out the Front Page News story(ies) where we are tracking the introduction of the 2025 Ram HD trucks.
Thanks, TDR Staff
mwilson
TDR MEMBER
Just in this morning, I love it...
The Manitoba Herald
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republicans winning the Senate is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art history majors does one country need?"
Trying to reassure his liberal base and get them to return to the U.S., President Obama reiterated what he said in his press conference following the beating the democrats took in the last election: "I, I, I, I—ummm, that is, I heard from the 1/3 of the electorate that voted, but I also heard from the 2/3 that did not vote." Who knew the president was clairvoyant?
He also said the reason the democrats got their ***** whipped wasn't because of HIS policies, but rather because the dems did not get his message out to the people. Ya gotta love a guy that takes responsibility when something goes wrong.
The Manitoba Herald
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republicans winning the Senate is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art history majors does one country need?"
Trying to reassure his liberal base and get them to return to the U.S., President Obama reiterated what he said in his press conference following the beating the democrats took in the last election: "I, I, I, I—ummm, that is, I heard from the 1/3 of the electorate that voted, but I also heard from the 2/3 that did not vote." Who knew the president was clairvoyant?
He also said the reason the democrats got their ***** whipped wasn't because of HIS policies, but rather because the dems did not get his message out to the people. Ya gotta love a guy that takes responsibility when something goes wrong.
LOL!! At least it wasn't a depiction of the re-hydration method that has been talked about in the news for the last week. :-laf
GOLFERS
A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big chests and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big chests and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2007
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocketbook.
This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. xxxs are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with xxx men, each will have their own table. There will be flower arrangements for the xxx men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Pauline
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2007
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the xxxxx from HELL!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9 November 2007
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay. Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John
Dave
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2007
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocketbook.
This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. xxxs are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with xxx men, each will have their own table. There will be flower arrangements for the xxx men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Pauline
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2007
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the xxxxx from HELL!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9 November 2007
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay. Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John
Dave
Superdawg
TDR MEMBER
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
Heard this on Local News today
A guy was arrested while driving under the influence of marijuana. When arrested he told the deputy that Obama said people could not be arrested for occasional use. The deputy responded that he does not work for Obama, he works for the Sheriff. True story
Dave
A guy was arrested while driving under the influence of marijuana. When arrested he told the deputy that Obama said people could not be arrested for occasional use. The deputy responded that he does not work for Obama, he works for the Sheriff. True story
Dave
Blonde joke:
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being? "It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the
name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! .........I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being? "It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the
name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! .........I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
Regional joke:
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns
and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards, someone
owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
And, in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's pretty short on guns and ammo just now."
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns
and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards, someone
owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
And, in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's pretty short on guns and ammo just now."
Something to consider:
"Never complain about growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
"Never complain about growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
GAmes
TDR MEMBER
NAVAJO MESSAGE TO THE MOON
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got interested and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to go get a tape recorder to record the message.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.
The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Eventually an official government translator was brought in to help.
After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE A**HOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got interested and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to go get a tape recorder to record the message.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.
The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Eventually an official government translator was brought in to help.
After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE A**HOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
American Marine
Best USMC Joke
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious
state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both
men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag
who got what he deserved.
And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing,
left wing Communist who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us."
Best USMC Joke
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious
state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both
men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag
who got what he deserved.
And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing,
left wing Communist who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us."
Superdawg
TDR MEMBER
A few morsels:
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem
work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably ******.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
someone you've just met?
That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day.
Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes 1,500 days in a row!
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.
If you find one, what's your plan?
I mean REALLY… what is your plan!
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid.
Some just abuse the privilege.
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem
work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably ******.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
someone you've just met?
That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day.
Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes 1,500 days in a row!
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.
If you find one, what's your plan?
I mean REALLY… what is your plan!
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid.
Some just abuse the privilege.
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