E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

[fest3er]

This one touches religion and politics. It will surely raise the ire of at least half of the readers here.

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel, and while he is on a tour of Jerusalem he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertaker tells the US diplomats, "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied, "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead.

"We simply can't take that risk".

 

[Mikey-KE7LBB]

This one touches religion and politics. It will surely raise the ire of at least half of the readers here.

Just spit beer out of my nose!! Thanks!!

 

[mwilson]

>
>
>
> INSTALLING A HUSBAND
>
> Dear Tech Support,
>
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
>
> In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5..0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
> Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
>
> What can I do?
>
> Signed,
>
> Desperate.
>
>
> DEAR DESPERATE,
>
> First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
>
> Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
>
> If those applications work as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
>
> However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
>
> Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly. Beta.
>
> Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
>
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
>
> You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
>
> Good Luck!
>
> Tech Support
>

 

[Grizzly]

Mechanic and Cardiologist
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic,
"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

[mwilson]

From one of the offspring.....

 

[mwilson]

Just found this gem...

 

[DavidC]

Just found this gem...



View attachment 90888

Been doing that since February of 1973, still no answer found, still searching :-laf

Dave

 

[HHhuntitall]

I had to..... :-laf

 

[AnOldBiker]

I believe this has been my saying every morning since my first cup in life.

 

[HHhuntitall]

You want to make God laugh?


Tell him your plans for the day.......

 

[DavidC]

Don't sweat the little stuff

Dave

 

[mwilson]

So true.

 

[B.G. Smith]

Presidents Day
I was eating breakfast ...having coffee with my 10-year old granddaughter and i ask her "What day is tomorrow?" Without skipping a beat she said "It's Presidents Day!" She's smart so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bulls**t.? You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of youor nose.

 

[mwilson]

This is accurate....at least for me.

 

[Shadrach]

"Mr. Wilson Please report to the Principles Office. Mr. Wilson to the Principles Office "

It has come to our attention that you have been spending way to much time on the TDR during working hours. What do you have to say for yourself young man? :-laf

David BTW It is my day off today.

 

[mwilson]

Busted

"Mr. Wilson Please report to the Principles Office. Mr. Wilson to the Principles Office "

It has come to our attention that you have been spending way to much time on the TDR during working hours. What do you have to say for yourself young man? :-laf

David BTW It is my day off today.

All I can say is that it would NOT be my first trip to that particular destination..........


Clever of you to mention that you had the day off before I asked how you had managed to get the time to catch me at it............:-laf

 

[HHhuntitall]

How my boys are in the shop.....

 

[deeselfitter]

Prime Minister Stephen Harper went ice fishing in Newfoundland and fell through after walking on thin ice. Luckily , 3 young Newfie boys were close by and it turned out that they came to his rescue. For this, the Canadian Prime Minister told the 3 boys they could each have a wish fulfilled . The first kid asked for a trip to Disney... Harper said sure , "I will fly you down in my private jet"
The second kid asked for tickets to an NHL game to watch Sidney Crosbie play..... Harper said " no problem... Consider it done"
The third Newfie boy asked for a motorized wheelchair with a screen and game controls built in. To this Harper replied "you don't appear to be handicapped or crippled in any way.... why would you want a wheelchair?"
The Newfie boy replied... "When me fadder finds out I saved you..... He'll break both me frickken legs"

 

[Deleted member 995608]

Three Cowboys sittin' round the fire drinking and arguing who was the toughest.

Cowboy #1 -

"I was moving a thousand head all by myself when a bolt of lighting cracked down on and sent the whole herd into a stampede". "I rode fast ahead and grabbed the lead steer by the horns with my bare hands and put the brakes on the entire brigade."

Cowboy #2 -

"****", "that ain't nuffin". "I broke a stud colt in 15 minutes", "riding em' bare back". "This colt killed two men and broke the backs of three others".

The third cowboy didn't say a word as he sat there and stirred the fire with his pecker.

 

[deeselfitter]

Now that's funny , right there