E-Mail Joke Of The Day.....

[fest3er]

Guess the mules were tired of having their hooves worked to the bone.

This farmer had a wife who constantly nagged at him. His only relief was to take the mules, go out in the field and start plowing.

One morning she started nagging really badly. When he just couldn't take it any more, he got the mules and went out and started plowing the field.

At noon, his wife brought lunch out to him. They spread a blanket under a shade tree, where he started eating lunch and once again she began to nag.

One of the mules moved around, turned his back side to his wife and hauled off and kicked her, hitting her right in the head and killing her.

At her funeral, he was standing up front, with the casket, greeting friends and neighbors. The Priest, who was standing in the back, noticed that every time the farmer talked with a woman he would keep nodding his head 'yes'. Conversely, each time he talked with a man, he would shake his head 'no'.

The Priest became really curious as to why this was happening, but couldn't talk to the farmer alone until after the service.

When the opportunity presented itself, the Priest approached the farmer and said, "I noticed today that every time you talked with a woman, up by the casket, you would keep nodding your head 'yes'. What were they saying?" The farmer replied, "The women would say things like what a pretty dress she's wearing and what nice jewelry, or how nice she looked."

The Priest then asked, "What was it that the men were saying that you kept shaking your head 'no'?" The farmer said, "Oh, they were asking if the mule was for sale".

 

[Superdawg]

Does this sound familiar?

http://franthony.com/its-not-about-the-nail-video/

 

[RUSSELL5000]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

 

[RUSSELL5000]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'


An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

 

[TJJEEPER]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except forLittle Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren'tyou a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered,"Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot,what would that make you?"

With a grin Little Johnny replied,"That would make me an Obama fan."

 

[HHhuntitall]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year, and every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Martha always replied, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

One year, Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Stumpy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

 

[Tractorat]

Do you know Jack Schitt ?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

 

[mwilson]

Copy and use as required, it might come in handy...I have already sent it to someone this morning..:

 

[deeselfitter]

An 80-year-old Scotsman called Andy went to the doctor for a check-up..
The doctor was amazed at what good shape he was in and asked:
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said Andy: 'and that is why I
am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 84 years old and your Dad is still alive
How old is he?'

He is 105 years old,' said old Andy. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 84 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 127 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
Why would a 127 year-old bloke want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?








An 80-year-old Scotsman called Andy went to the doctor for a check-up..
The doctor was amazed at what good shape he was in and asked:
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said Andy: 'and that is why I
am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 84 years old and your Dad is still alive
How old is he?'

He is 105 years old,' said old Andy. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 84 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 127 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
Why would a 127 year-old bloke want to get married?'




An 80-year-old Scotsman called Andy went to the doctor for a check-up..
The doctor was amazed at what good shape he was in and asked:
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said Andy: 'and that is why I
am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 84 years old and your Dad is still alive
How old is he?'

He is 105 years old,' said old Andy. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 84 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 127 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
Why would a 127 year-old bloke want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?









© 2015 Microsoft Terms Privacy & cookies Developers English (United States)



© 2015 Microsoft Terms Privacy & cookies Developers English (United States)

 

[GAmes]

Subject: Affordable Plumbing Act

Only weeks after leaving office on January 20, 2017, former President Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it. Troy drives to President Obama's new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year.

Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the problem and tells President Obama that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. President Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his rate chart and says, "$9,500."

"What?! $9,500?!" Obama asks, stunned, "But you said it's an easy repair. Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!"

Troy says, "Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It's known as the 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it."

In spite of that, Obama tells Troy there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy's price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad President Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk the room will flood, so Obama calls Troy and pleads with him to return.

Troy goes back to President Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, "Let's see, this will now cost you $21,000."

President Obama quickly fires back, "What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!"

Troy explains, "Well, because of the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There's a long waiting list of those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn't cover our costs, especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they're not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can't make any money at it. I'm hurting too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their ‘fair share'. On the other hand, why didn't you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' all this would have been covered by your policy."

"You mean I wouldn't have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?" asks Obama.

"Well, not exactly," replies Troy. "You would have had to buy the insurance before the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you're rich, you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have given you a 'silver' plan, and then, since this would have been your first repair, you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there's the mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free."

"WHAT?!" exclaims Obama. "Why so much for a puny sink leak?!"

With a bland look, Troy replies, "Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself. You don't think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you? Besides, there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the 'middle class', who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That's why they call it the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'! Only people who don't make much money can afford it. If you want affordable plumbing, you'll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle's income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to get your 'Fair Share' instead of giving it."

"But who would pass a crazy act like the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'?!" exclaims the exasperated Obama.

After a sigh, Troy replies, "Congress... because they didn't read it."

 

[BIGNASTY]

> Proof That The World Is Nuts!
>
>
>
>
>
> In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex
> with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual
> relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
>
>
>
>
>
> (Like THAT makes sense.)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a
> woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
> directly at them during the examination. He may only see
> their reflection in a mirror.
>
>
>
>
>
> (Do they look different reversed?)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals
> of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex
> organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece
> of wood at all times.
>
>
>
>
>
> (A brick?)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
> decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)
>
>
>
>
>
> (Much worse than 'going blind!')
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to
> travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
> them for the privilege of having sex for the first
> time.
>
>
>
>
>
> Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
> for virgins to marry.
>
>
>
>
>
> (Let's just think for a minute: Is
> there
>
>
> any job anywhere else in the world that even
> comes close to this?)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed
> to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her
> bare hands.
>
>
>
>
>
> The husband's illicit lover, on the other
> hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
>
>
>
>
>
> (Ah! Justice!)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
> England - but only in tropical fish stores.
>
>
>
>
>
> (But of course!)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> In Cali, Colombia , a woman may only have sex
> with her husband, and the first time this happens, hermother
> must be in the room to witness the act.
>
>
>
>
>
> (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
>
>
>
>
>
> In Santa Cruz, Bolivia , it is illegal for a man
> to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same
> time.
>
>
>
>
>
> (I presume this was a big enough problem that
> they had to pass this law?)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from
> vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be
> dispensed from a vending machine only in places where
> alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
> premises.'
>
>
>
>
>
> (Is this a great country or what?)
>
>
>
>
>
> Well,.... not as great as Guam!
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150
> calories an hour.
>
>
> (Who volunteers for these tests?)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
> pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its
> right side when intoxicated.
>
>
>
>
>
> (From drinking little bottles of ???)
>
>
>
>
>
> (Did our Government pay for this
> research??)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
>
>
>
>
> (Ah, geez.)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its
> brain.
>
>
>
>
>
> (I know some people like that.)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> Starfish don't have brains.
>
>
>
>
>
> (I know some people like that, too.)
>
>
>
>
>
> *~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>
> And, the best for last?
>
>
>
>
>
> Turtles can breathe through their ***.
>
>
>
>
>
> (And I thought I had bad breath in the
> morning!)
>
>
>
>
>
> Thank you all for reading this.
>
>
>
>
>
> If you need to reach me in the future, I will
> be
>
>
> in Guam !!!!!!
>

 

[deeselfitter]

2 goats were having lunch on the local dump, when one of them ate a reel of old movie film he had found....the other goat asks "how was it" ??? The first goat responds "It was really good...................but...........the book was better".

 

[BIGNASTY]

A WOMAN'S LOVE POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.




A MAN'S LOVE POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

 

[AH64ID]

A WOMAN'S LOVE POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.




A MAN'S LOVE POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

get out of my head!!!

 

[TFucili]

A WOMAN'S LOVE POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.




A MAN'S LOVE POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

'bout sums it up:-laf

 

[Cooper_D]

A WOMAN'S LOVE POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.




A MAN'S LOVE POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

I'll add that she should be an orphan. (No in-laws!):-laf

 

[SnoKing]

Why is it called Chicken, Alaska???


http://www.omgfacts.com/lists/10034...-because-nobody-could-spell-the-original-name

 

[Shadrach]

What so hard about spelling "Tarmigin" ? David

 

[SnoKing]

What so hard about spelling "Tarmigin" ? David

#ad

 

[RUSSELL5000]

I am not retired, but I liked this one:


A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.