For men ONLY

[Ramboy00]

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be open by the time she brings it to you.

Q. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to meet a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me... ".

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Who cares. What was she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why do men pass gas more than women?
A. Because women won't shut up long enough to build up any pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course, because he will shut up after you let him in.

Just a little humor. #ad
#ad
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You guys know anymore?

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'99 D3500, auto. ,2WD,3. 54, all options, Banks Power Pack w/K&N filter, '99 40ft. Alfa Gold Triple-slide 5'er

 

[Bill Kondolay]

Well Well Well,

Very interesting, i am not a man but i have one, does that count. I am not Bill either but seeing as how we share things and he does his testing on my Dodge i think i can borrow his password once in a while.

Here's one from the other side.

There were 3 guys travelling through Europe , an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American. One night they met in a bar and got to talkin and the subject came around to their wives.

The english man says,the other day i was talkin to my wife and i told her she had to all the cooking. The first i seen nothing, the second day i seen nothing, but the third day there was a really nice supper on the table , a really nice spread everything looked great.

The frenchman said if you think thats good,
the other day i told my wife she had to do all the cleaning and shopping. The first day i seen nothing, the second day i seen nothing ,the 3rd day the house was spotless and the pantry was full.

The american laughed , he said well the other day i told my wife that she had to do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping. The first day i seen nothing,the second i seen nothing, but the 3rd day i could see a little out of my left eye. (lol)

Shanti Kondolay

 

[illflem]

Oh-oh guys better watch out, someone let a lady in the club house
Bill are we going to hear from you again? #ad

 

[larryq]

Does this mean we can't all sit around in our underwear now??????? #ad


Do we haveta remember to put the seat back down when were done????? #ad


... . OOOPs... gotta go... the Wife has found another honeydew..... and she's hot on my trail... . #ad

 

[pcorssmit]

Originally posted by Larry Quinn:

Do we haveta remember to put the seat back down when were done????? #ad

B]

This is frowned upon at my house. Don't want the dog to go thirsty!

Bill, love the graphic.

Pete

 

[Archive]

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
the exotica, he notices a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat.
It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He took it
to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said
the owner. The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat; you can keep the story. "

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to
the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat. "

 

[OO]

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
"Dear Wife: I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old
secretary. "
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and
virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than
54 goes into 18. "

 

[Ramboy00]

Shanti,
I guess turn-about is fair play. I had some of the other ones but I figured these were more appropriate for this forum but it looks like I got caught. Next time, I will take a closer look to see who is lurking out there.

 

[Amianthus]

This guy has just purchased a really hot sports car and wants to see what it will do. So he begins to let 'er rip a little. Just when he starts to go, a Cop pulls in behind him and turns on his lights in an attempt to pull him over. The guy says to himself, "Let 's see what she'll do. " So he puts his foot down. After a while of this he realizies that this was a pretty stupid thing to do. So he pulls over and the Cop pulls in behind him.
The Officer approaches the car and says, "It's late, I'm tired, and it's the end of my shift. I don't want to do any more paperwork tonight, so if you can give me a good reason why I shouldn't give you a ticket, I'll let you go. "
The driver thinks for a second and says to the Officer, "You see Officer, my wife left me for a Cop two weeks ago. I thought you were trying to give her back. "
The Officer replied, "Have a good evening. "

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'99 2500 ISB QC SLT (No Leather!), 4x4, 5sp w/McLeod, 4:10, BD-II, PE, PE-EZ, 4"exh. , Pac-Brake, A-Pillar gauge pod w/boost and pyro, Line-X, V-1, lights, siren, lic. plt. frame says "Diesel Fumes Make Me Horny!", and much more goofy stuff.

 

[RonaldLarson]

Shanti is probably a sweetheart, but she loses all her credability when it comes to grammar. Insert the word "saw", and it gets better. OK, I picked the fly specks out of the pepper, but that's what men are for: improving the lot of our women attendants!
HEHEHE!
Ron

 

[Archive]

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of
shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie. "

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct
answer.
He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he
should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married,
asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, 'Wear
a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool
socks. '
But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear
your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel. "

The man did not understand: "But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "You're going to get
screwed. "

 

[Bill Kondolay]

ol ron,

I resemble that remark, i otta let Bill do my typing .

Just so you know there's no hard feelings how do you like this one.

A man at home relaxing on his sofa, his wife sits down beside him and asks him, whats on the TV, he looks at her and says dust.

Shanti Kondolay

Marriage is a 3 ring circus,
Engagement ring,
Wedding ring,
Suffering
#ad
#ad

 

[jmbrowning]

Why dogs are better than women:

1. Your dog won't get upset if you use it's shampoo.

2. Dogs prefer that you throw your dirty clothes on the floor.

3. Your dog will be happier to see you the later you come in.

4. A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink from the toilet.

5. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

6. Your dog's parents don't come to stay.

7. Dogs agree that sometimes you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

8. Dogs will accept your position as master.

9. Dogs understand that relying on instints is better than asking for directions.

10. A dog will forgive you for petting another dog.

------------------
Enjoy and Protect Freedom Join the NRA
Like a challenge? Try IPSC Shooting. Check out United States Practical Shooting Assn.

 

[Andy Perreault]

Once again, miscommunication between women and men...

A man staggered into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "
"What did you do?", asked the doctor. The man replied, "I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, honey, this looks like yours!'"

 

[Andy Perreault]

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and shouts, "B*TCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.


[This message has been edited by Andy Perreault (edited 01-13-2001). ]

 

[Andy Perreault]

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. "

"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted. "

==============================
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. He had left her, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
======
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A. S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far... " But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
======
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for breaking the heart of the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. He thought about her soft cascading locks of hair and her deep blue eyes. He thought of how she loved to watch the rain fall outside while curling up in front of the fire with her cup of tea. He thought of how happy they both would have been if they had married and bought a house. "What a fool I’ve been," he thought. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. She sighed wistfully while glancing at the rain upon the window panes. It was a soft, gentle rain, the kind of rain that brings life to flowers and plants. Suddenly she remembered the bulbs she had planted recently, and she smiled when she realized that soon the garden would burst forth in a lovely display of color in the coming days of spring.
======
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Interplanetary Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
======
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
======
Oh, Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
======
Pig!
======
B!tch!

 

[Archive]

Just got these on email...
Cowboys and Cowgirls ===
> >
> > An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat,
> > jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
> > As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
> > next to him.
> > After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and
> > asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
> >
> > "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding
> > cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am,"
> > replied the cowboy.
> >
> > After a short while he asked her what she was.
> >
> > "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy," said the
> > young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day
> > thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I
> > think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything
> > seems to make me think of women. "
> >
> > A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another
> > drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a
> > real cowboy?"
> >
> > "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian. "
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > === Boy's Club ===
> >
> >
> > A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
> > Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to
> > see some pitiful yankee queer.
> >
> > The bartender looks up and says,
> > "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
> >
> > The guy says, "I'm from Iowa. "
> >
> > The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
> >
> > The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist. "
> >
> > The bartender asks,
> > "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
> >
> > The guy says nervously, "I mount animals. "
> >
> > The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
> > "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

 

[WOWZY]

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nuthin', she's already been told twice!!

 

[WOWZY]

"A woman is nothing but a Life-Support system for a P***y!!"

 

[Ramboy00]

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs striking the wife in the head and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Jake would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and from side to side to all the men?
"Well", Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked and her dress was so pretty so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. "
The men all asked,"Is that mule for sale?"