Great comedian quotes/jokes?

[NPloysa]

One of my favorites is (was) Mitch Hedberg. He OD'ed a few months ago and died. Such is life for some, but I still enjoyed his sense of humor.



"I am against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. "



And, "If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. "



Please share your favorites!



Nick

 

[DKayser]

The Master.......

Groucho Marx! The great one was "on" all of the time. One night at a Hollywood night spot,Groucho was sitting at his table enjoying a show by Carmen Miranda. (The lady wearing a pile of tropical fruit on her hat. ) A gossip columnist saw him,came over,and in reference to Ms. Miranda`s dancing ,said "Lots of pepper there, Groucho!" The great one blew a smoke ring with his cigar and replied " Yes, and the shaker ain`t bad either!" Another of his great lines; "Marriage is an honorable institution, but I`m just not ready to be institutionalized yet!" Watch any of their old flix, & listen to the zingers fly. Don.

 

[Rd.Runnr]

quote

Johnny Carson asked Bob Hope if he still enjoyed sex at the age of 75(?) or so. Hope replied--yes, especially the one in springtime!! :-laf

 

[Bill Lins]

George Carlin & Jeff Foxworthy are my favorites- too many great lines to list!

 

[DKayser]

Almost forgot

A newcomer; Ron White ! Tater Salad. He still needs another 20 years of seasoning to become a classic, but he has a chance to make it. A few others; George Burns, Jack Benny, Uncle Milty! And let`s not forget Bill Cosby. Don

 

[bmoeller]

A newcomer; Ron White ! Tater Salad. He still needs another 20 years of seasoning to become a classic

He's no new-comer. :-laf



The Blue Collar comedy tour did bring him in the open, so to speak.

 

[Kissfan113]

Sam Kinnison was a great comedian, I loved the style, and the overall extreme attitude of his stuff. Too many good ones to list. most of the best are not appropriate for the forums anyways, lol

 

[Dieselnut59]

The late Lewis Grizzard. He had a lot of good comedy, some "R" rated and some family type.

 

[loncray]

George Carlin is the best - though I do admit to spewing soda all over the place watching Ron White - "This here's my tater... . tot... . "

 

[bmoeller]

I do admit to spewing soda all over the place watching Ron White - "This here's my tater... . tot... . "

Or, "Some states are trying to abolish the death penalty. Mine (Texas) is putting in an expresslane. "

 

[EricBu12]

Lewis Black... The angry comedian!



"I watched the Superbowl this year... Why? Because I'm an idiot!!"..... "I'm not a religious man, but a person needs a routine,... . and football occures on a sunday... So at least I'm TRYING! " <---(Was talking about the Superbowl where Janet Jackson Had that mishap)

 

[TSpecht]

I'll throw in Mitch Hedberg. One of the things he talks about is elevators and escalators, and the memorable punchline from that was the sign he'd put on a broken escalator: "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience'"...

Dane Cook has some good stuff also, as well as the Carlin, Leary (his rant about the coffee is great), and a number of others are also good.

 

[Dl5treez]

Mitch Hedberg was a Steven Wright rip-off. OK that's not really true, although Hedberg was greatly influenced by Wright.



Steven Wright:



I have a large collection of seashells..... Maybe you've seen it..... I keep it scattered across beaches all over the world.



Whenever everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.



It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.



Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.



The speed of time is one second per second.



I was once arrested for resisting arrest.



What's the youngest you can die of old age?



It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.



I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.



If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

 

[GFritsch]

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Albert Einstein



My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

Abraham Lincoln



The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly

Abraham Lincoln



Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde



Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes

Oscar Wilde



I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde



There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin



First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin



When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick

George Burns



All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

Henry Youngman



I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Henry Youngman



To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Benjamin Franklin



With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had. ' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield



My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney Dangerfield



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield



I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Rodney Dangerfield



In my sentences I go where no man has gone before... I am a boon to the English language

George W Bush



There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Will Rogers



The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits

Albert Einstein

 

[GFritsch]

Funny Bush Quote's

People don't need to worry about security. This deal wouldn't go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America. " —George W. Bush, on the deal to hand over U. S. port security to a company operated by the United Arab Emirates, Washington, D. C. , Feb. 23, 2006



"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to—the beauty of playing baseball. " —George W. Bush, Washington, D. C. , Feb. 13, 2006



"I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president. " —George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn. , Feb. 1, 2006





"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire. " —George W. Bush, addressing war veterans, Washington, D. C. , Jan. 10, 2006



"t's a myth to think I don't know what's going on. It's a myth to think that I'm not aware that there's opinions that don't agree with mine, because I'm fully aware of that. " —George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Pa. , Dec. 12, 2005



"I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome. " —George W. Bush, defending Vice President Dick Cheney's pre-war assertion that the United States would be welcomed in Iraq as liberators, NBC Nightly News interview, Dec. 12, 2005



"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law. " —George W. Bush, Tucson, Ariz. , Nov. 28, 2005



"Wow! Brazil is big. " —George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005



"I think it's important to bring somebody from outside the system, the judicial system, somebody that hasn't been on the bench and, therefore, there's not a lot of opinions for people to look at. " —George W. Bush, on the nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, Washington, D. C. , October 4, 2005



"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you. " —George W. Bush, Gulfport, Miss. , Sept. 20, 2005



See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda. " —George W. Bush, Greece, N. Y. , May 24, 2005



"I think younger workers — first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government — promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is. " —George W. Bush, Washington, D. C. , May 4, 2005



"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way. " —George W. Bush, Washington, D. C. , April 28, 2005



"We expect the states to show us whether or not we're achieving simple objectives — like literacy, literacy in math, the ability to read and write. " —George W. Bush, on federal education requirements, Washington, D. C. , April 28, 2005



"We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge. " —George W. Bush, Washington, D. C. , April 20, 2005



"I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the Mother in me. " —George W. Bush, Washington D. C. , April 14, 2005



"We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that will make — it would hope — put a free press's mind at ease that you're not being denied information you shouldn't see. " —George W. Bush, Washington, D. C. , April 14, 2005



[I'm] occasionally reading, I want you to know, in the second term. " —George W. Bush, Washington, D. C. , March 16, 2005



"In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, 'How do you think my standing will be?'" —George W. Bush, Washington, D. C. , March 16, 2005



"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that. " —George W. Bush, to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

 

[nps]

Johnny Carson interviewing Arnold Palmer:



JC: "What routine do you follow before a tournament?"



AP: "My wife gives my balls a kiss. "



JC: "I bet that really makes your putter stand up!"

 

[DKayser]

Well, maybe.

He's no new-comer. :-laf



The Blue Collar comedy tour did bring him in the open, so to speak.

Before I saw the blue collar tape/disc, I`d never heard of him. He is new compared to my list. Course , they`re mostly dead guys on my list. I do feel bad having omitted Rodney and Henny Youngman. I saw Rodney many years ago in St. Louis. My hometown was the butt of local humor in the Metro St. Louis area due to a large number of liquor stores. Rodney wisecracked that he was buying a condo in Granite City, " It`s over a Liquor Store!" RIP Rodney! You actually DID get that respect! Don.

 

[bmoeller]

Before I saw the blue collar tape/disc, I`d never heard of him. He is new compared to my list.

He's been on the Bob and Tom show a time or 2.

 

[RandyHamilton]

"Suppose you are an Idiot.



And suppose you are a member of Congress. .



But I repeat myself!!"



Mark Twain



If you EVER get a chance to see Hal Linden do Mark Train you will not be disappointed!! He has been doing this show for 20something years to rave reviews. .

 

[TravisG]

Another great line from Steven Wright:



"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the beach.



Think about it. Mitch Hedberg was a funny dude as well.