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Humorous Short Stories. Donald Trump and little Johnny

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Happy Mothers Day!

I'm starting a new thread about Humorous short stories.

First Humorous Short Story; "Donald Trump and little Johnny"

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet *** it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room..


Let's see how many Short Stories we can add. george
 
The real tragedy is the failure of our schools to teach The Constitution and specifically why "Natural Born Citizen" is used only once in The Constitution with regard to The Office of The President of the United States. This "failure" is clear with the the fact someone unqualified is allowed to run and the number of votes he is getting. Article II requires a person to be a "natural born Citizen" to be eligible to become president, defined at the time of the Founding as having two citizen parents and being born on U.S. soil. Alan Korwin does a good job at explaining the "why" of this including the history of how it was written this way. http://pagenine.typepad.com/page_nine/2016/04/a-presidential-fable.html

That little Johnny is a Tragedy!

Now the following story is funny no matter who you like!

https://www.yahoo.com/news/knock-knock-marco-its-a-wolf-named-trump-095457705.html

Knock knock, Marco. It’s a wolf named Trump.
Matt Bai
National Political Columnist

Once upon a time, in a little town called Establishment Creek where prosperity trickled down through a burbling stream, there lived three little pigs. Their names were Jeb, Chris and Marco.

One day a wolf came up their windy trail, followed by a very angry mob and a horde of TV cameras.

The wolf cut quite a figure. He had wild orange fur and teeth whiter than a Bernie Sanders caucus.

The wolf, who was a builder and a businessman by trade, hadn’t actually incited the mob, and he wasn’t especially angry about anything himself. He had little to be angry about, really, since he was rich and famous. He had simply been sitting around when the mob happened by.

But there was an emptiness in the poor wolf’s wolfish soul, a sense that if the townspeople weren’t constantly talking about him he might just disappear. And it had occurred to the wolf that if you were looking for new ways to be loved and admired, being at the head of an angry mob wasn’t the worst place you could be.

And so it was that he came upon the first house, an old and tasteful mansion with lots of ivy growing all around. This was Jeb’s house.

The wolf recoiled.

“This house is just horrible,” the wolf said when Jeb came to the door. “It’s total low-energy.”

“I use LED bulbs,” Jeb said proudly.

“Whatever,” the wolf went on, “but we’ve got to tear it down. We’re gonna build something huge, something that will really dazzle. Let me tell you, it’s just going to be so spectacular, you wouldn’t believe.”

Jeb faced a decision.

“Here’s the deal,” Jeb said, because he had trouble starting a sentence without saying that, though it was something he was working on. “My granddad built this house, and my dad added onto it, and my brother put the batting cage out back. You can do what you want, but I’m proud of this house and what it stands for, and I’m not leveling it for some angry mob.”

“Well, that’s all very moving,” the wolf went on, reaching into his pocket, “but I’ve got this eminent domain order.” The wolf kept them around for just this sort of emergency.

And with that the mob demolished the house, and in its place the wolf built a garish, windowless casino with giant video screens to entrance the masses and his own name in gold letters at the top.

“There’s gonna be so much winning here, you’re gonna get sick of it,” the wolf proclaimed, and then he and the mob moved on down the road.

Next he came to Chris’s house. It was a big, imposing house with a giant amphitheater for town hall meetings. The wolf rapped on the steel door.

“Time’s up, loser,” the wolf told Chris when he answered the door. “I’m gonna make you squeal like a pig. Figure of speech, you know.”

Chris faced a decision.

He looked up and down the street to see if anyone was listening, and then he leaned in close to the wolf.

“Lookit,” he said, because he had trouble starting a sentence without saying that, though it was something he was working on. “Truth be told, I built this house on top of a rickety bridge. The engineers told me it wouldn’t hold, but I went ahead anyway, and it’s about to collapse any minute.

“How about I let you tear it down, and then you and me and the mob go over to Marco’s place and show him what’s what? I can’t stand that little swine.”

The wolf thought it over. “That’s a pretty good deal,” he agreed. “I make the most unbelievable deals, you have no idea. I pay factories in China a dollar a day to make my beautiful ties. I get the wool for free. I mean, I’m a wolf, OK? Do the math.”

So the mob tore down Chris’s house in no time, and in its place the wolf ordered built the tallest, most depressing wall anyone had ever seen. “The Mexicans are paying for it,” the wolf declared, which really confused all the undocumented Mexican workers he had employed to build it, because they thought he meant them.

Finally they all moved on to Marco’s house, which was the newest, most contemporary place on the block, with lots of glass and light.

Marco was newer to Establishment Creek, but he had worked very hard to make his house a showcase. Every arch and alcove had been meticulously planned, every material handpicked. The house was regularly featured in magazines. It was the envy of the town.

“Hey, little pigface,” the wolf said. “I need you out of the house. I’ve got this great idea for a university.”

Marco faced a decision.

“I think the president knows exactly what he is doing,” Marco said, because he had trouble starting a sentence without saying that, though it was something he was working on. “Anyway, I’m not going to let you tear down my gorgeous house like you did the others.”

“Look, I’ll give you a crate of bottled water, OK?” the wolf said impatiently. “You seriously look like you’re about to swallow your tongue.”

But Marco had a better plan. He decided he would tear down his own house, beam by beam, and make it into something just as dark and ugly and crass as the things the wolf had built. That way the mob would be transfixed and would leave him be.

In record time, Marco managed to transform his light-filled home into a burlesque monstrosity, with flashing neon martini glasses and seedy, life-size ads for adult comedy.

The cameramen all surged forward, eager to record the spectacle. Marco beamed before them. With a stroke of genius, he had managed to do what the other little pigs had not, which was to match the wolf at his own game. If the wolf could enthrall the mob, so could he.

Except that Marco had misunderstood what brought the mob to his neighborhood in the first place. He had assumed that the angry townspeople were drawn to all the new things the wolf had raised up for them — from towering monuments to the basest kind of entertainment.

All the mob really wanted, though, was to tear things down. They didn’t much care what came next. And all Marco had achieved was to defile his own house.

The wolf chuckled, and the mob quickly set about dismantling what remained of Establishment Creek. Marco watched the end of the story unfold, just another pig covered in mud.
 
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Sleeping Beauty's grandmother suffered from multi-year sleeping spells. She however could register a lot of things occurring around her as she slept. In 2020 she awoke from a four year bout of this and rushed to her mail box to collect all of her Social Security checks that should have been piling up.

And the box was empty. What she thought, had Halliburton Privatized Mail failed to deliver them or had the whole system been privatized and ripped off by Wall Street as she had dreamed. Was it really a dream or reality! Dream or Reality? Dream or Reality? Dream or Reality? Z ZZ ZZZ ZZZZ ZZZZZ ZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZ

Oh to sleep again we go!
 
Mechanic and Cardiologist
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic,
"Try doing it with the engine running."
 
SENIOR HELPING SENIOR

An old farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have
his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't
live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the
hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by
the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -
how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he
was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'The farmer said,
'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would
walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested,
'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand,
put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''Why
thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.On the
way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there
in no time.'The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am
a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we
get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt,
and have your way with me?'The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying
a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on
top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
 
Subject: The Miracle of Toilet Paper


>>Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
>>my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically
>>telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
>>suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
>>piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
>>
>>Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

>>front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
>>
>>"How long will this take?" I asked.
>>
>>"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped.
>>
>>"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
>>breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
>>Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
>>
>>He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
>>again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
>>straw.
 
THE HAIRCUT:

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.


His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your
grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."


The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."


(Gotta Love the Dad's reply!)


"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
 
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