I need some help with my Foster Kid

[JCasper]

I am hoping someone has been in my situation before and can give me a little advice.

About a year ago we took in a foster child. At that time he was seven months old and cute as could be. He was in state care because his mom is very heavy into meth. When we first took him in we thought he would only be with us for a month or two, then we got to about the sixth month and still had him. Things did not look like he would ever go home and we have all along been getting more and more attached. My wife and I started to entertain the idea of adopting him. We talked to his case workers about it and have been going along for the last three months or so almost sure we were going to try and adopt him when he became free for adoption.

Also in the last two months or so we have been dealing with a lot of temper, frustration, anger and eating issues with him. These behaviors of his seem to be getting worse every week and are really starting to stress my wife out. His pediatrician told us that it is very likely that when he gets a little older these could get worse and we will probably have to do a lot of therapy with him.

I have a girl that is 4 and a half now and my wife is pregnant with our second child and is due on Jan. 8th. This pregnancy has been very hard on her and after our first child was born she sufferd pretty bad Postpardum depression. With the behavior problems we are having now with our foster child we have changed our minds about keeping him and are planning on having the state place him in another home. This decision has to be one of the hardest I have ever had to make. I love the little guy to death, but I need to take care of my own kids and my wife first. I wish I could do it all but I can't be home all day to help my wife out, and we just think that with a newborn and him it would be too much.

I hope that someone has been in my situation or one similar and can give me a little advice, and help me realize we are making the right decision. I don't want to regret this down the road.

 

[Steve St.Laurent]

My in-laws had a lot of foster kids when my wife was young. Many of them were in the situation you describe. They did end up adopting one who had a mother like yours after a protracted battle including kidnapping at one point. The mother over the years would do enough to get him back and then put him back into the system a month or two later because she couldn't care for him. I'm not sure how old he was when the finally adopted him. He is now estranged from the family (by his choice) as an adult. If you would like to talk to them I'm sure they'd be happy to discuss their experience with you. If you'd like to talk with them send me a pm and I'll see if they will give you a call.

 

[Extreme1]

I love the little guy to death, but I need to take care of my own kids and my wife first. I wish I could do it all but I can't be home all day to help my wife out, and we just think that with a newborn and him it would be too much.

It would be. Take care of your wife, your daughter and your new child. You've done all you can which is more than a lot of kids get. You can't do everything and you don't want to risk the lives of everyone over this little guy whose mom might get him back anyway.

 

[Dual EE]

We have raised a few foster kids. Each one had hopes of reuniting w/their parent. None of them ever did. The parent(s) never seem to keep it together long enough to get them back. One has grown up and enlisted in the Army and is serving in Iraq. He considers us his mom and dad. So if you have had the child this long, he will be a long term investment for you.



One of my friends had a little boy placed in his care through his foster care agency. The boy appeared to in good health mentally and was not effected by his mothers use of meth. They adopted him after a year. All was well until he was 5/6 years old. The child started acting out and getting violent towards them and their other children. They dealt w/this for 3 years. On one sad day their daughter approached them and said the boy had touched her in her privates. They learned this had been going on for 6 months. They felt extremely terrible.



To sum up this story, the child they adopted, is now in foster care again and they are paying the bill. Their young daughter is in counseling and is still having nightmares still after 2 years.



Are you making the right decision about placing him into another home? I believe you are. You can't help them all. He would probably be better off in a group home with more therapy available to him.



Good luck and keep us informed.



Don

 

[MDietrich]

I don't have any foster children, but our oldest son has been a real handful. He's 17 and our other children are 9 and 8. For the last 5 years we have been dealing with his addictions and abusive behavior.



Having this kind of disruption in a home distracts from the other childern, and they also see Mom and Dad stressed to the max. It is not a heathy environment for any of us.



We have sent him to 30 days of treatment twice in 5 years, and when he is gone for a month, our family seems to return to normal.



I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you don't have to take on this child and his problems, don't. Take care of your wife and children. She does not need the stress of this.



It is wonderful that you care enough to take on foster children. The world needs more people like you, but you also need to grow your own heathy family.



God bless you and keep you and yours safe.



MD

 

[Kissfan113]

Blood is thicker than water man, your family should come first.

Kevin

 

[JCasper]

Thanks for everyones input. We talked to the Foster home certifier when she was out to visit last week and told her what we were thinking. When we called and talked to her today she said she wasn't surprised when we told her that we have decided not to keep him. When she got back to her office last week she did a little more digging and found out a little more history of our little guy. It seems that the Prenatal drug and alcohol abuse was a lot more severe then we were told about. Also the neglect he was subjected to for the first six months of his life were also real severe. How we were never told of this stuff before I am not real sure. We do know that he was at the ER a few times in the first six months of his life but have not been able to find out why. We told the lady at the state who will place him in another home that we would keep him for a couple more weeks until she found someplace he could stay until he was adopted.

I just keep wondering if this is the right decision to be making. Then I think about the safety and quality of life for my own kids and the horror stories I have heard about kids like him who have been put through so much. I know deep down that this is what is right for my family, but I feel terrible for the little gut having to be put through so much. I wish there was more I could do but I have to draw the line somewhere. Hopefully when he gets adopted by a family we will be able to get in contact with them and make sure they get some pictures from when he was little so they have something from the time when they did not have him. I wish the little guy the best and will always care for him greatly. Thank you all for your advice. This sight really has a great bunch of people.

 

[RichB59]

I was a foster child

Thought I might add a different view point. I got bounced around a bit and then ended up with a family that tried to help me. I had one thing on my mind and that was to get to my own folks. I was offered college ed. a car all sorts of good things from my foster parents. Blood is thicker than water and I did not care if my own folks were poor and down and out (which they were) I wanted to go home. I did leave foster care and went home at 15 and was on the streets ect until I joined the USAF at 19yrs. It was a rough go of it but I managed to retire at 55 and would not have any differnt. You have a tough choice if your own kids are more important than that foster kid ( let him go) .



Rich PS If you want to talk e mail me a ph# and I'll call you.

 

[EBottema]

You have done a lot for the foster kid already. It is sad to see him go but you have your own blood to take care of. It seems other than being from a broken family, the kid prob lacks discipline. You could try spanking/belt him when you have the usual problems and it might help, if simple things like that do not show progress then it might be best to let him go to another home so your family can have a good time again.

 

[AMink]

You could try spanking/belt him

Don't really think that would work on a child that's less than two years old.



JCasper, I hope you come out of this in a positive way. It can't be an easy decision for you.

 

[hammersley]

The little one may very well be a Meth/Crank Baby

Check out this site ---



http://www.kci.org/meth_info/Crank_Babies/



The little one may very well be a drug baby and you're neginning to see the tip of the iceberg!

 

[EBottema]

Don't really think that would work on a child that's less than two years old.

.

I have seen many children in diapers getting spanked and problem solved.



My own cousin was a menace at about 2 years old, got the belt for the first time and after some physical discipline everytime he did not listen or was disrespectful, he changed for the better. He is 10 now and has been a great kid so far.



You say that those things don't work, however, what is your solution??



Children need to know who is in charge and spanking or a swift belt to the butt puts fear into them by teaching them if they do not listen to their parent, they will be physically disciplined. Today, the lack on discipline has caused kids to be disrespectful and out of control.

 

[AMink]

Eric, don't get me wrong, I'm not against a spank. I guess the "belt" part is what I saw stick out. A swat or light slap on the hand will work in some cases. Honestly, I don't have any experience with drug babies, so the best I can do is send along good thoughts and prayers for those dealing with these situations.

 

[Todd T]

Eric, the tables are turned when you are talking about an drug/ahol abused child. The mental health faculties are not always there or can be either deficient or slow to develop and even stop developing in extreme cases. further abuse, (spanking) can harm them further if they cannot comprehend why they are being hit upon.



I was not a drug or alcohol baby but rather suffered from a broken home due to divorce. In those days the women always got custody as in my case. My mother moved us to Chicago, where we were subjected to sexual abuse by our daytime caretaker (thankfully I was only 12-18months old and have no memory of this) my older brother suffers from the effects now and them, but back on topic. we were put up for adoption, my father got custody of us and then had to live with quasi-foster parents in the form of my aunt and uncle for 3 years while my dad got himself out of his apartment, a job and a home for us.



We’ve had two step mothers, the first we just got attached to when they divorced. The second we put through the mill as we refused to love her and open up to that sort of mental abuse again. I’ve spent my entire live wondering what it would be like to know my real mother, we always knew where she was through our grandparents but she would never see us.



She passed away a few years ago, the empty feeling of not having a parent lasts a lifetime. All you can do is FOSTER them, love them the best you can and hope that some day you'll be rewarded with a loving fully reared child, who's graduated to an adult and appreciates all you've done for them.



I'm 34, married 12 years now (once) and have given my Dad and MOM (stepmom2) three beautiful grand babies to love on. I learned from "others" mistakes and hope to pass only those good traits on to my children and so on.



JCASPER: I think in another day or time your wife and yourself may have the tools needed to raise (foster) a child like this. For now, you need to focus on YOUR responsibilities and not falter. Those duties include keeping them safe from harm, be it mental or physical. What good would it be doing to raise three children in a bad environment?

 

[Dual EE]

Rich and Todd,

Thanks for your side of the story.

 

[JCasper]

The little one may very well be a drug baby and you're neginning to see the tip of the iceberg![/QUOTE]





We just recently found out that the Prenatal drug and alcohol abuse was more severe then we were first told about. I feel terrible about letting him move on but I do know that it is best for my family. Thanks again everyone,



Joe