Joke of the day

[Piers]

With all the members we have it should'nt be hard coming up with some good jokes. Here's one I heard the other day.
Two cowboys standing at the bar having a beer, they hear a lady choking behind them so they turn around & the one cowboy says ... can ya talk?
The lady holding her throat & choking nods no
The cowboy says ... can ya breathe?
The lady now starting to turn blue, again nods no
The cowboy puts down his beer & walks over to where the lady is standing, he lifts up her dress, pulls down her panties & gives her a big lick from her bum all the way to the top of her neck. Well the lady is so shocked she coughs up the obstruction & is standing there catching her breath while the cowboy walks back to the bar & starts sipping his beer.
His buddy looks over to him and says... ya know Jed I've heard of that thar hind lick maneuver, but I've never ever seen it done. #ad

I thought it was funny, but if anybody takes offense let me know and I'll delete it.

 

[mikel]

Since you started it... #ad


A group of outlaws captured the Lone Ranger and have him tied up waiting until dawn to hang him. The outlaws are sitting around the campfire eating when the Lone Ranger says "You guys got me all tied up and there's no way I can get away, but I wonder if you'd allow me one small favor?"

The outlaws think about it and decide that depending on what the Lone Ranger wants they can grant his request.

"Well, I'd like to talk to my horse if I may. "

The outlaws decide there can't be any harm in that so they bring the horse to where they have the Lone Ranger tied up. The horse puts his ear up to the Lone Ranger and listens as the Lone Ranger whispers something. After hearing what the Lone Ranger has to say the horse goes berzerk. Jumping and kicking and making all sort of noise. He then runs off into the night as all the outlaws watch in a stunned kind of awe.

About an hour or so later the Lone Ranger's horse comes walking back into camp with one of the 'working girls' from the town oh his back. Behind him is a bunch of other horses with riders from the same profession.

Well, the outlaws decide not to look a gift horse in the mouth and procede to have a good old time that night.

The next morning (not too early) when the outlaws wake up they get the Lone Ranger and the noose and start heading to the hanging tree. When they reach the tree they tie the rope to the tree, and put the noose around the Lone Ranger's neck one of the outlaws asks if the Lone Ranger has any last request. He says "I'd like to talk to my horse again if you don't mind. "

Seeing as how things turned out the last time they let him talk to his horse, they bring the horse right away.

The Lone Ranger looks right in the horse's eye and says "You flea-bit no good varmit! I SAID POSSE!!"


#ad

Mike

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'99 QC 2500 SLT Driftwood 2wd SB 24v Auto 3. 55 LSD ISSPRO pyrometer

 

[Shrimpy]

A lady goes to the doctor for a lack of sexual drive over the past several months. When she gets home her husband asks her what the doctor had said. "The doctor said that everything was in perfect working order and that I had nothing to worry about. As a matter of fact he said that I was a picture of health" the woman told her husband. Troubled that there seemed to be no explanation for the lack of love making in their house, the husband asks, "Well what did he say about your big A** ?" To which the wife calmly replies "Why dear your name never came up at all !!!!!!!!".

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92 Ext. Cab, Auto trans. , 3. 54 Non-LS, Isspro Tach, 16 cm housing, no name 3 Gauge cluster, 220,000+ miles, straight pipe, old and abused but still running strong!!!!

[This message has been edited by Shrimpy (edited 12-11-2000). ]

 

[Jim Guidry]

Boudreaux and his darling wife Telma are speeding down a dark road in southern Louisiana on a cold night.

Suddenly Telma yells, "Boudreaux, STOP THE CAR!!".

Boudreaux slams on the brakes, and skids to a halt, exclaiming, "Telma, what is it??".

"It's a baby skunk, on the side of the road. Boudreaux, go get it. It's so cold!"

Reluctantly, Boudreaux carries the baby skunk back to the car, and places the cold, smelly little critter in the floorboard at Telma's feet. And off they go. .

A mile or so down the road, Telma instructs Boudreaux , "Turn up the heater, the baby skunk is still sooo cold!" The heater goes up.

A little further, Telma cries, "Boudreax, the baby skunk is still so cold. "

Boudreaux: "Well Telma, put him between your legs, to warm him up. "

Telma: "But Boudreaux, what about the smell?"

Boudreaux: "Just hold his nose, he won't mind. "

 

[Ramboy00]

A man comes home and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!
The wife says, "Should I pack for the mountains or the seashore?"
He says, "I don't care, just get the @#$% out!"

 

[Papa Joe]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a
beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather miniskirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg
to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind herself and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a
little more embarrassed she once again reached behind herself and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the
tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she
again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind
her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the
would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am
normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends. " #ad

Joe


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White 1999, 3500 QuadCab, 6x6, 275 injectors and Practical Solutions Module w/elbow, Automatic, Diamond Plate Running Boards and Flaps, Pac Brake, Missing Muffler, Grover Air Horns.
"SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROLL"

 

[Partyat33]

What is the one food that will reduce a womans libido by at least 90%.

Wedding Cake.

Dennis



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2001. 5 3500 4X4 Quad Cab, ETH, Dark Garnet Red.

 

[Joe G.]

In an Irish court action for damages for personal injuries and the loss of a cow, as "The Donegal Democrat" reported, the defendant began his cross-examination of the plaintiff:


Counsel: You have now informed us in reply to your counsel that you were seriously injured in the accident.


Plaintiff: I was so, and so was my heifer.


Counsel: Never mind your heifer. How do you reconcile your story now with your statement to my client immediately after the accident that there was nothing wrong with you?


Plaintiff: Well, that's not the whole of the story.


Counsel: Did you say that or not?


(Judge to Counsel): You have re-opened the question. The witness is entitled to explain his answer.


Plaintiff: Thank you sir. Well, the truth of it is that I was driving the heifer along the road minding my own business when that man over there came whipping around the corner at ninety miles an hour, and the next thing me and the heifer is lying in the ditch, and the pair of us pumping blood. With that your man got out of the car, and sez to me: "That beast is badly injured," so he took out a gun and shot her there and then in the ditch. Then he turns around to me and sez he: "Tell me, my man, would there be anything wrong with you?" and I sez to him ‘Begod sir, I never felt better in my life!"

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Joe George
Eureka, CA

'95 2500 CC auto 4X4,3. 54,Combo EGT/boost guage,custom switch panel,PacBrake,TST #5,BD valve body,Automatic motorhome steps on both sides,Foldacover hard bed cover,Cummins chrome kit,Black steel grill guard,Front hitch receiver

 

[Piers]

Did you hear the one about the Mexican, the Irishman & the Blonde guy???
They are working on a high rise 20 floors up when they stop for lunch.
The Irishman opens his lunch pail and says… not corned beef sandwiches again!!! If I get corned beef sandwiches one more time I’m going to jump off this building!
The Mexican opens his lunch pail and says… not Burritos again if I get Burritos one more time I’m going to jump off this building!
The Blonde guy opens his lunch pail and says…not baloney sandwiches again if I get baloney sandwiches one more time I’m going to jump off this building.
Well the next day they are sitting down for their lunch break & the Irishman open his lunch pail to find corned beef sandwiches…AAHH he screams I can’t take this anymore & jumps off the building.
The Mexican fellow opens his lunch pail and sees Burritos in it…AAHH he screams I can’t take this either & with that he jumps off the building
Well the Blonde fellow looks in his lunch pail & sees the baloney sandwiches & he too jumps off the building.
Later that week the three wives are at their husbands’ funerals and the Irishman’s wife starts weeping and says to the other two wives…if only I’d known I would have made him something other than corn beef sandwiches. The Mexican’s wife crying away says… me to if only I’d known I would have made him something other than burritos. They turn and look at the blonde guys wife and she says…Hey don’t look at me, he made his own lunch

 

[QRTRHRS]

County fair comes around, two young boys from the wrong side of town sneak in. Wide eyed, they take in the sites. They are particularly impressed by other children their age showing their various animals, gathering prize ribbons, etc. Walking home a bit dejected, knowing they don't have the where with all to be a part of all this. One boy, being rather street smart and all comes up with a bright idea. "We got to get us an animal", he exclaims. The other chimes in, "yea, but we got no money". "Not to worry, we can do some choirs for the old farmer, maybe he will help us out". So they go see the old farmer, do some work for him and he rewards them with a little pig. Happy as a clam, they run home with the pig. Their mom takes one look at the pig and laughs out loud. "My word" she said, "where did you get such a scruany pig?" Again, sadness sets in. The boys saunter off to think. Bright one says, "I got it", runs into the house and comes back with a cork. He takes the cork and shoves it hard up the pigs behind. Couple of days go by and the pig is growing. Week goes by and the pig is looking rather plump. Fair comes to the next town over. The boys hitchhike over with the pig and enter it in the show. Lo and behold, first prize! Well, this goes on and on. This fair that fair, state fair. By now, the boys have more fame and money then they have ever known but being boys, are getting bored with all this. They decide to stop showing the pig but their mother says, "yes, but don't you think you ought to do something about the pig?"
Again, the smart boy figures a way to deal with the pig. The boys head for the local pet shop. Having money, they buy a monkey. They take the monkey home and proceed to teach the monkey how to take a cork out of a bottle. After a few days, thinking the monkey has got it down pat, they take him to the pig. The monkey readily runs right over to the pig, grabs the cork and yanks like the devil. After a rather loud noise and the ensuing shower subside, one boy looks at the other. "Brother, did you see the $$$$ fly?" "Yes, I did but did you see the monkey trying to put the cork back in?"

 

[rich m]

Brother Ezekiel (age 78) and his son, Jedediah, (Amish, like they're gonna be offended #ad
) find themselves in a modern shopping mall. They're bewildered, as you can well imagine. As they pass by the elevator, they witness a walker-pushing, bent over, little old lady push the button and enter thru the big silver doors. The doors close. The floor indicator lights glow and extinguish. The doors re-open and out steps a TMC (typical mall chick), stacked, miniskirted, highheeled, good hairdo, and possessed of a "west coast strut that was sweet as molasses".

Ezekial turns to Jedediah and says,"Son, go get your mother. "

here's one of my ornery moments:

---Papa Joe to sheriff: I was just helping the sheep over the fence, honest!

(Couldn't resist that one #ad
)

 

[Briar Hopper]

A guy dies and goes to hell. As he's wallowing in misery, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: "Don't be glum, chum. Hell is actually a lot of fun. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "sure, I love to drink. "
Demon: "you're gonna love Mondays, then. All we do is drink till we pass out. "
"how about smoking, you a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it. "
Demon: "then you're gonna love Wednesdays, we smoke our lungs out, no cancer worries, you're already dead!"
Guy: "wow, I never realized Hell was such a cool place".
Demon: "bet you like to gamble, too. "
Guy:"Why, yes, I do"
Demon:"Then you'll love Fridays, we have all-day craps & blackjack games. "
Guy: "fantastic!"
Demon:"You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no... . "
Demon:"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Saturdays... "

 

[Briar Hopper]

Got another one, couldn't resist... .
A golfer is about to tee off when he gets tapped on the shoulder. A deaf-mute hands him a notepad, asking him if he can play through. The golfer refuses and tells him to wait his turn. He whacks his tee shot and walks up to his ball,when, suddenly, a ball hits him on the back of his head, knocking him out. When he finally comes to, the deaf-mute is standing over him, holding up four fingers... .

 

[rich m]

forgot about the golfers!!

two guys playing golf. ahead of them are 2 women, playing slower.
The guys need to play thru, so A tells B "I can't approach those two ladies to ask for a play thru... One's my wife and the other's my mistress #ad
" B says OK I'll ask, and starts walking their way... gets about 1/2way there and comes back.

"Small world!" he says

 

[OO]

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his hootus. He walks up to the barman. The barman looks at him and
says, "Hey, did you know you've got a steering wheel on your hootus?"

And the man replies, "Yeah, it's driving me nuts. "

A Baby Harp Seal walks into a bar.
Bartender: "What will it be?"
Harp Seal: "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks!"

 

[yogibear]

Gal asks her husband one day if its ok for her to have breast enhancement surgery, she says, honey we can afford it now, how about it? He thinks for a while, then says, if you'll try something for one year, and it doesen't help you, I'll pay for your surgery. Whats that, she says, every morn. and every eve. for one yr. you wipe between your breasts with toilet paper, why, that won't help she says. He says, look what it did to your arse!!

 

[Mr. C]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = affair.
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit.
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. #ad
#ad
#ad

 

[Piers]

Here's another one #ad

Two stupid guys heard about a gas station that was having a contest and the winner won free sex.
So they drove out to the country where this gas station was located & asked the attendant about the contest
The attendant assured them that if after filling up they could guess the number between 1 & 10 that he was thinking of they would indeed win free sex. So the two stupid guys fill up with gas & go inside. The attendant says, okay I’m thinking of a number between 1 & 10 what’s your guess? The one stupid fellow says 4, sorry says the attendant I was thinking of the number 5, but come back again next week & try again. So next week they go out there & fill up with gas then go inside to guess. The other stupid fellow says I guess the number 7. Sorry says the attendant, I was thinking of the number 6. But please come back & try again next week. As the two men are walking back to their car, the one fellow says, I think this contest is rigged, no way says the other man, my wife won twice last week #ad

 

[Piers]

Did ya hear the one about the redneck & the gay fellow?
Well they are in a bar having a drink when the redneck figures out that the guy down the end of the bar is gay. So he starts razzing him about his sexuality. After a while it begins to get on the gay fellows nerves & he calls Ralph the bar tender over and says…Ralph bring me a straight scotch this guys starting to get on my nerves, so Ralph brings him his scotch and he gulps it down. Well the redneck thinks this is funny & starts bugging him even more. So the gay guy calls Ralph over again and says… make it a double this guys really getting on my nerves. So Ralph brings him over a double & he gulps it straight down. That don’t bother the redneck none he just starts bugging him even harder. So the gay fellow calls Ralph over again & says…Ralph bring me over a bowl of ice cubes. Ralph looks at him funny but thinks to himself, what the hey he tips well & doesn’t cause any trouble, so he brings him over a bowl of ice cubes. Well the gay fellow picks up an ice cube and puts it in his cheek, he then picks up another ice cube & puts it in his other cheek. Then he walks down to where the redneck is sitting and says…If you don’t stop bugging me I’m going to coldcock you.


[This message has been edited by Piers (edited 12-13-2000). ]

 

[JConley]

Bush and Gore are talking about the entertainment industry and here are there comments

Bush-- There is way too much violence on TV today

Gore-- There is way too much sex on TV today

Moral of the story?? Bush says there is too much Gore on TV, and Gore says there is too much Bush on TV