Joke of the day

[Papa Joe]

When Nader, Bush, and Gore were on a rented fishing boat, unexpected tragedy struck and the boat was sinking rapidly. Upon discovering there was only one life vest they decided to assign the vest by popular vote.

Nader got one vote.
Bush got one vote.
Gore got seven votes.

Joe #ad

 

[OO]

How did the mathematician cure his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.

Why is a honeymoon never seven days long? Because seven days makes a whole week.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What do you call a Bull dog with brass balls and no hind legs?

Sparkey

 

[sdalton]

Brass Balls? brass doesnt spark. steel balls? Iron balls? Ok I'm bored.

 

[Jumbo Jet]

Guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender to bring him 3 Bourbon & Cokes. Bartender asks if he is celebrating soem occasion. Guy says he is celebrating his first blow job.

Bartender says "well, I'll give you a 4th on the house!" Guy says "if the first three won't get the taste out of mouth, I doubt a 4th will help!"

 

[Papa Joe]

Careful guys, or we'll get thrown outa here #ad


A fella strolls into a bar and says, "Hey, barkeep, wanna hear a blonde joke??"

The guy next to him says, "Listen pal, did you notice the bartender is blonde, I'm blonde, the rugby player next to you is blonde, and my two 250 pound airborne ranger sons here next to me are blonde as well?? Soooo... . Do you still want to tell that blonde joke ?!!

The fella looks down at the bar and says, "Well no... . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times" #ad
#ad

 

[Dak - BD Power]

I just couldn't resist...

An 70 year old couple went into a sex therapist's office and asked the therapist if she could watch them make love, the therapist agreed but informed the couple it would cost $50 for the session, they agreed and then proceded to make love.

A week followed and the couple showed up at the therapist's office again asking the therapist to watch them make love, upon finishing up and paying the $50 for the session the therapist asked the couple what seemed to be the problem because their love making technique was very good.

The man replied that they could not go to her house because her husband was home and that they could not go to his house because his wife was home, a hotel costs $75, and the therapist only charges $50, of which they get back $45 from their medical insurance #ad


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Real BOMBers never get speeding tickets. . just a lot of warnings!

 

[drawson]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private
club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches
rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation
ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes. "
"Great! I'm at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500. 00. "
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he
gave
me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. "
"Great! But before we hang up, something else... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house
we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a
pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that
much in the bank to cover... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[Briar Hopper]

Jake and Raymond are out fishing on their favorite lake, first warm weekend of the year, they haven't had a chance to talk all winter.
After about 2 hours, and 3 beers, Jake reaches behind in the boat, opens up his tackle box, pulls out a foot long cigarette lighter, and lights up a cigarette. Raymond, one eyebrow cocked higher than the other, asks, "Whassup with a lighter that big?"
Jake says, "it's a long story, be better if you find out for yourself. " He pulls a lamp out of a bag and says, "Found this on the beach in Florida over the winter. It's got a genie, rub the lamp, you get one wish. "
Raymond overcomes his initial skepticism, and does so, and when the genie appears, he asks for a million bucks. The genie nods once, and swirls back into the lamp. The sky grows dark, then light, thunder crashes, then a million ducks swarm in and cover the lake. Raymond howls, "But I said bucks, not ducks!" Jake, with a big grin, says, "well, he's hard-of-hearing, you don't really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic, do ya? "

 

[boatpuller]

This ones from my wife,


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is
suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you
don't do the following, your husband's disorder will surely be terminal:
Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in
a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And
for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with
chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with
him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the
evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage
him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most
importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his
every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think
your husband will regain his strength and health. " On the way home, the
husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" (See below)


... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... . "You're gonna die," she replied.


Caleb Reese(per forum guidelines)

 

[radixr]

Seems this fag with a terminal case of AIDS was being interviewed on the evening news by Dan Blather. "So, Simon, what is your biggest regret about your impending death?" asks Mr. Blather. "Well," replies Simon, "I guess my biggest regret is leaving my friend's behind!" #ad
#ad
#ad

 

[NETim]

Two guys are walking down the street and stop at the corner. A dog is there on the sidewalk licking his balls.

The first guy looks down at the dog and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that. "

The second guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

Tim in Nebraska

------------------
In the heart of the Droughtland
NRA and ATA Life Member
'97 SLT w/NAPA fan belt
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

 

[Steve G]

Did you hear about the Aggie that got killed eating mountain oysters?


The bull drug over the hill.

 

[Sled Puller]

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country
road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and
crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer,
after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He
then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A
few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed
bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then
asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer
replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know
how them politicians lie. "

 

[Steve G]

Do you know what a BJ and eggs benedict have in common?????


You don't get either one after you get married.

 

[Samscov]

$10 is $10

A couple right out of "Maybury RFD", Stumpy and Martha, visited the county fair yearly. Every year Stumpy would say to Martha, "Martha, I sure would like to take that there airplane ride" and Martha would always respond, "I know You would, Stumpy, but, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
This went on for many years until finally
one year Stumpy says to Martha, "Martha, I'm nigh onto 60 years old and I don't know how much longer I might be around, I would really like to take that there airplane ride while I still can! Martha replied "Well yes I know You would like to take that ride, but Stumpy, ten dollars is ten dollars.
The pilot overheard all this and said to them "Folks I tell You what, I'll make a deal with You. If both of You can go through the entire airplane ride without saying as much as one word, the ride is free on Me, but, if either of You say as much as one word the ride will cost You ten dollars. "
After some careful thought and discussion Stumpy and Martha got into the airplane and went for the ride. The pilot, being inclined to not loose a fare, Gave Stumpy and Martha a VERY agressive ride, including loops, rolls, dives and other moves that would do the Thunderbirds proud, but, not a word was uttered.
While landing the pilot says to Stumpy, "You know, I really got to hand it to You folks, I tried every stunt in the book to get You folks to say something, but, You didn't say a word. " Stumply replied "Well, I was going to say something on that last loop the loop when Martha fell out of the plane, but, ten dollars is ten dollars"


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2001. 5 ETH/DEE 2500 4X4 Q. C. SLT Lund Visor Owens Runningboards C R Laurence Power Slider & Others BUT NO POWERTRAIN BOMBING!!!
"The Redneck Toy Box"

 

[Piers]

#ad
THE PHARMACIST #ad


A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come inpacks of 3,
9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for
a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms
because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're
having dinner with her parents, and then we're
going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get
lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want
me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12
pack. '

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with
his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he
might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins
the prayer, but continues praying with his head
down for several minutes after everyone starts
eating. The girl leans over and says, 'You never
told me that you were such a religious person. '
He leans over to her and says, 'You never told
me that your father is a pharmacist. '

 

[Briar Hopper]

A beautiful redhead goes in a tattoo parlor in Nashville, and tells the guy running the place, " I'm a big fan of Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw, I want a tattoo of each on my upper thighs !" The guy takes in her incredible legs under the miniskirt, and says, " Are you sure?!? " She snaps at him " Yeah, I am ! Can you do it or not? "
"Yeah, pull it up, hop up on the table", he says, and gets busy. It doesn't help him concentrate on the task at hand to see she's not wearing any panties... .
2 hours later, he's done, she hops down, goes to a mirror, and checks out his handiwork. "Why, you imbecile, these don't look anything like my idols!" she screeches at him. "That's the best I can do, that's my best job ever ! " says the poor tattoo guy. But she's still not satisfied... and after much arguing, he finally says, "Tell you what, the next person to walk by outside, we'll grab him or her, and ask them their opinion. If they agree it looks like them, you pay me. If not, you don't have to pay. " She agrees. Unfortunately, the next person to pass, or rather, stumble, by, happens to be a drunk... They reel him in, and ask his opinion, "Does that one on the left look like Garth Brooks to you, and the one on the right, does it look like Tim McGraw?" The drunk, after looking for a minute, drawls, "Well, I don't rightly know, but that one in the middle sure looks like Merle Haggard! "

 

[Archive]

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

IN GENERAL
1 Never take a beer to a job interview.
2 Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3 It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4 If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5 Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1 When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2 If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1 A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2 Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners
are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1 While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2 Proper uses of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3 Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1 Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2 Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago. "

3 Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday. " If the latter is the answer, it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1 Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
2 Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.

 

[OO]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good
guy and your invention-the assembly line for the automobile-changed the world. As a reward, you can
hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven. "

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself. " The befeathered fellow at the
Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you
the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes. "

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust. "

"Hmmm... " replies God, "hold on. " God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes,
and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer,
more men are riding my invention than yours.

 

[Piers]

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play
with himself.
After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without
any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.
One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet
seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air.
The ship starts to come his way!
He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved!
The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"
At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you!
I lied about the ship!" #ad


That one was e-mailed to me by Rob of the NW Bombers fame #ad