Joke of the day

[OO]

Some funny bumper stickers.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm!

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

I love cats... they taste just like chicken.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Born free... taxed to death.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy.

Cats... the other white meat.

I love animals... they’re delicious.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

My favorite
#ad
hang up and drive #ad

 

[Ron Duncan]

We took Grandpa and Grandma on a tour in our truck. Grandpa and I were setting in the front seat and the ladys were in the back.
Grandpa and I were talking about recent movies we had seen and he described what sounded like a good one. I asked him the name of the movie and Grandpa, his memory isn't too good any more, says,
"whats that pretty flower with the long stem?"
I says, "a rose?"
He turned around looking at his wife and says,
"Hey Rose, what was that movie we saw the other day?"

 

[Papa Joe]

Sitting on the porch, Grandpa was watching Johnny pulling on a worm in the lawn. He kept pulling gently on the worm until he got it out of the hole in one piece. When he tried putting the wiggly worm back into the hole Grandpa said, "Sonny, you'll never get that worm back in the hole. " Johnny said, "Betcha a dollar I can, Grandpa!" and he ran into the house. He came running out with a can of hair spray and after he rolled the worm straight in his hands, he sprayed the worm, and poked it right back into the hole. Grandpa gave him a dollar.
Next day when Grandpa came out on the porch, Johnny was again playing on the lawn. Grandpa said, "Come here Johnny and get your dollar. "
Johnny reminded Grandpa that he'd paid him the day before. Grandpa said, "I know, but this dollar is from Grandma!!!"

#ad
Joe

 

[drawson]

A blonde went into town to do her Christmas shopping.
She goes into a department store looking for a TV. She sees the
perfect
little TV and goes to the clerk and asks, "How much is that TV up
there?"

The clerk replied, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here. "

Puzzled, she walks home to think it over. The next day, she dyes
her hair
red then goes back to the department store. She asks again, how
much the
TV is, and the clerk answers the same. Totally puzzled now, she
walks home
and thinks, "How did he know I was blonde?"

So she shaves her head completely bald, convinced the clerk will
not know
she is blonde. She goes back to the department store and asks
again, "How
much is that TV up there?"

The clerk is frustrated and pleas, "I told you before that we don't
serve
blondes here. "

The blonde by then is furious and says, "How did you know I was
blonde?!"

The clerk replies, "Well, you see that TV? It's a microwave. "

 

[OO]

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh
The slit was wet and all was set
He gave a joyous cry
The hole was wide... he looked inside
All was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...

And then he stuffed the turkey

#ad
happy holidays #ad

 

[LandShark]

My fav bumper sticker:

Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition!

 

[Andy Perreault]

(I don't know where I copied this joke from, forgive me if I got it off this website and I'm now repeating it)

One day, God visited the Pearly Gates, and to the people waiting to enter, he said, "Welcome to Heaven. The women are to go with Saint Peter. The men are then to form two lines: one line for the men who dominated their women on earth, and the other line for men who were dominated by their women. "
With much movement the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by women is 100 miles long but the line of men who dominated women has only one man.
God gets angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates? Look at the only one of you that stood up and made me proud, and prepare to learn from him!"
God turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one in that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here. "

----

Okay, one more:

How was yodeling invented? Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back into the house.
The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," answered the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn. " The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?" "Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food. " She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.
The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food. " "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink. " The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn.
She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer. Her father answered, "He left several hours ago. " "What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!" "What!?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?" The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out, "I laid the old laDEE, too!"

So that is how yodeling came about.



[This message has been edited by Andy Perreault (edited 12-23-2000). ]

 

[Briar Hopper]

Bill and Hillary Clinton (God, how I hate typing those names, I almost hurled !) were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up Bill. He says, sleepily, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom. " Bill says "Oh, please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me that !!!" Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot. "

 

[Briar Hopper]

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the call could go out a squad car, the phone rang a second time, same voice on the line. "Never mind", he said, with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake. "
(must have been one of them 4 door Ford PSD's)

 

[rich m]

traveling salesman's car breaks down. walks to farm. no daughter for the "typical" details. salesman says "**** , i'm in the wrong joke!"

2 days later, and a day-n-a-half further down the road, the mondo-burrito from that truck stop (you've all had it, haven't you?) began acting up. no place to "go". pulls over. squats, proceeds to de-burritize intestinal tract. glances up to see a lady sitting on the porch of the house that he never noticed before #ad
. She calls out "nice ba11$... when you're done, bring'em over here, honey"
finishes. silently insults a couple handfuls of leaves. walks to porch. she takes 1 ba11 in each hand, caresses them, then begins violently slamming them together and shouts "dammit don't $#1+ in my yard!!" #ad
#ad

 

[Briar Hopper]

This one's dedicated to Stack'd & Jack'd, a real Guiness lover, the fightin' Irishman of the GLTDR...
An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman, all friends, are in a bar in County Kildare, catching up on old times. They each have a pint of Guiness... Three flies hovering around suddenly dive into their beers... The Englishman turns pale, and pushes his drink away. The Scotsman calmly picks the fly out of his drink, and continues sipping. The Irishman reaches in, grabs hold of the fly, and shakes him over the glass, screaming, "Spit it out, spit it out ! "

 

[Papa Joe]

An Irishman goes into a pub and orders three stouts. When he finishes them he orders three more. After a couple more orders the bartenders says, "You know I'll bring these drafts to you one at a time so they don't go flat on you. I don't mind. "
The Irishman says, "Oh no, it's a tradition amongst me brothers. One is in America and one is in England and all of us order three beers at a time so it's like we're together when we drink!!"
The bartender acknowledges and with time the Irishman becomes a regular of the bar.
After a couple months the fellow comes in and orders TWO stouts. The place goes silent and the bartender brings two beers and says, "This round is on the house, and all of us are sorry for your lost brother. Was it the one in America or the one in England?"

The Irishman looks at the bartender and says, "You know my doctor has instructed me to stop drinking for my health, but me brothers is just fine, thank you !!!!!"

#ad
Joe

 

[tmacc]

I got this one out of a book by Nelson DeMille, The Lion's Game. Very good book for those into spys and terrorist type books. Anyway,
The Attorney General wants to find out who the best law enforcement agency in the land is. So she calls on the FBI, CIA, and NYPD (insert the dept. of your choice) to send their top team of crime solvers to prove which one is best. So, they each send a team to Wash, DC to meet the AG and she lets a rabbit loose in the woods. She looks at the FBI and says "Go find the rabbit!" Well, after two hours the FBI team comes back and holds a press conference and says "We lab tested each leaf and twig, interviewed 200 witnesses, and concluded the rabbit broke no federal laws and we let him go" "B*llsh*t" says the AG "You never found the rabbit". So she turns to the CIA and says "Go find the rabbit"! About an hour later the CIA also comes out of the woods w/o the rabbit. He says "The FBI was wrong. We found rabbit, and he confessed to conspiracy. We debriefed the rabbit, and we turned the rabbit around, and he is now working for us as a double agent" "B*llsh*t, you never found the rabbit either" says the AG. She turns to the NYPD and says "Go find the rabbit" After about 15 min. , this bear comes stumbling out of the woods, the bear has taken a really bad beating, and the bear throws his hand up in the air and yells "All right! I'm a rabbit! I'm a Rabbit!"

 

[OO]

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full

 

[Archive]

What do 10,000 battered women have in common?

None of them know when to shut the he11 up!

 

[drawson]

A redneck, a sheep, and a German Shepherd were
survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded
on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the
habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go
down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect
night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started
looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to
the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous,
growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm off the
sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and, lo and behold, there was
another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young
woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She
was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly
nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well
enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally
gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and
whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

[Koa Man]

25 Good Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
Beer stains wash out.
You don't have to wine & dine beer.
Your beer will always wait patiently in the truck while you play football.
When your beer goes flat, you throw it out.
Beer is never late.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
Hangovers go away.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
Beer never gets a headache.
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
A beer always goes down easy.
You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty
You can share a beer with your mates.
You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
Beer is always wet.
Beer doesn't demand equality.
You can have a beer in public.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
If you change beers, you won't have to pay alimony.

 

[Whitmore]

tihs cowboy was talkin to a gal in the bar and they were getin to know each other a little bit finally the cowboy asks what her name was and she said Carmen,he says thats nice where did you get a name like that from she says well I like cars and men so Carmen fits me good,so what is your name?the cowboy says a a aa a a a a beerscrew #ad

 

[Whitmore]

#ad
another cowboy was in the bar drinkin beer when he observed a very smooth talking man walk up to a good lookin blond and said Can I tickle your *** with a feather?she said PARDON ME he said its particurly nasty weather,she said oh yes,then the smooth one moved in on a nice lookin brunet and said,can I tickle your *** with a feather? she said,why yes that sounds fun,the two walk out arm in arm, so the cowboy sees all this and decides to give it a try,he walks up to a nice lookin redhead and says,can I tickle your *** with a feather? she says,SAY WHAT the cowboy says ,its pretty f**#!in cold out aint it!!

 

[joesoot]

I dont think im allowed to post this directly in here so here's a link... I thought it was funny anyway http://drew. corrupt.net/lp/series1.html