Joke of the day

[Whitmore]

these two cowbows were at the bar drinkin a beer one nite,the one ol boy pipes up and says, ya know I can get up in the mornin and start drivin and when the sun goes down I still aint got ta the end of my property yet. the other cowboy replys ya I usta own a fraud flower smoke too #ad
#ad

 

[Archive]

A little boy asks his father " where did I get my intelligience from?"

The father replies "Well son, you must have gotten it from your mother, cause I've still got mine!"

 

[sdalton]

joesoot: Your a sick man. I think you should ban yourself from those Lego sites. They will corrupt a young mind. You need to drink more beer and play less Legos.

 

[Bryan Brenneman]

THERE WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity.

A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age.

A CD was a bank account!

If you had a broken disk, It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage, not something you did to a file.

If you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire.

Hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

A backup happened to your commode!

Cut- you did with a pocket knife.

Paste- you did with glue.

A web was a spider's home.

A virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head.

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

[rich m]

stole this'n off'n a Brand F while the driver wasn't lookin' #ad

http://forums. ford-diesel.com/ubb/Forum5/HTML/003300.html

heeeheeeeheeee!

 

[Hale on wheels]

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Bill Clinton said "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being
the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc. ", so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball
players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I
can't afford to die" so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world", so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout "I am old and frail and I
don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute. "
The boy scout said "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. The world's
smartest woman took my backpack. "

 

[OO]

Beer Study

Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer, men should reconsider their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To
test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a
one-hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't
drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused
to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned... .

 

[GLedwig]

A young journalist,just out of college, was hired by a newspaper in Arkansas. His first assignment was to do an article on country life. So he goes out to the woods to this elderly hillbilly for the interview.
"Describe a happy time in your life," the reporter said to the hillbilly.
The hillbilly said "my neighbors' sheep got lost in the woods once. I rounded up some friends and went to look for it. We found it, took turns scr*wing it, and took it back to its' home. "
"I can't print that in the newspaper", explained the reporter. "Tell me about another happy time in your life. "
"The hillbilly said "my neighbors' wife got lost in the woods once. I rounded up some friends and went to look for her. We found her, took turns scr*wing her, and took her back home.
"I can't print that in the newspaper neither. How about describing a sad time in your life", asked the reporter.
"Well", the hillbilly said as a tear rolled down his cheek,"I got lost in the woods once... "

 

[Jim Guidry]

World's shortest joke:

Baby seal walks into a club.

#ad
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[Joseph Donnelly]

A loyal Rammer dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "well, you've been pretty good, so I guess you can come in. " He replies, "thanks. . . and by the way, since I have been accepted into heaven, can I just take a quick look at he11 to see what it would have been like?" St. Peter says, "OK, take that elevator down, but DO NOT get off, just look through the doorway after the doors open. Then come back up. " The Rammer goes into the elevator and a few minutes later comes back. St. Peter asks, "what did it look like down there?" The Rammer answers "it wasn't anything like I expected. It was very cold, snow and ice everywhere, and windy. " St. Peter answers, "I guess Piers finally got a 24 valve. "

 

[rich m]

Originally posted by Joseph Donnelly:
A loyal Rammer dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "well, you've been pretty good, so I guess you can come in. " He replies, "thanks. . . and by the way, since I have been accepted into heaven, can I just take a quick look at he11 to see what it would have been like?" St. Peter says, "OK, take that elevator down, but DO NOT get off, just look through the doorway after the doors open. Then come back up. " The Rammer goes into the elevator and a few minutes later comes back. St. Peter asks, "what did it look like down there?" The Rammer answers "it wasn't anything like I expected. It was very cold, snow and ice everywhere, and windy. " St. Peter answers, "I guess Piers finally got a 24 valve. "

---thought a flowerchoke had 16?

 

[Piers]

Very good Joe #ad
It may take me a day or so but my little pea brain will be churning #ad

EH Rich keep up with the times... 24v arrived before I even drove the powerstroke, still looking for a regular cab plain jane truck for racing though.

 

[rich m]

all well with the world, eh?

 

[Archive]

A guy walks into a night club, orders a beer, wanders over to a piano in the corner and begins to play. The music is so beautiful the entire place goes quiet.

The owner goes over and compliments him on the music, comments that he has never heard that melody before and asks where it came from.

The pianist says he wrote it and the name of it is "I love you because you are so beautiful but your amrpit stinks. "

Club owner comments that the music is fantastic but the title is absolutely, terrible. Can he play another?

Pianist plays another one, even more beautiful than the last. Owner asks the title, which is "While sitting on the toilet I always think of you. " Owner says that is the grossest song title he ever heard.

Pianist excuses himself to go to the bathroom. When he comes out a lady patron comes up to him and says, "Excuse me sir but do you know your zipper is open and your pecker is hanging out. ?

"Know it," he says, "hell, I wrote it!"

 

[Archive]

A MONTANAN buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces,
his wife has just produced "a typical MONTANA" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!" was heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the
father of the typical MONTANA baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How
much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds. " The bartender is puzzled,
concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth. "

The MONTANA father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lightning Boy beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly
says, "Had him circumcised"

 

[Champane Flight]

An elderly man proposed to an elderly woman and she accepted. They got married a month later. Deciding that a honeymoon was in orderthey headed for Hawaii. The little old lady could not figure out what a good time to tell her new husband about her heart condition. So after checking in to a hotel she changed into a nighty and sat at the edge of the bed. He reached over and dropped one side of the nighty down and then the other. She said "Bill I have a confession to make". He said"what is it dear?""Bill I have acute angina". He says"thats good dear,cause the rest of you looks like Crap".

------------------
95 Dodge 2500 Luverne grill guard,headache rack,running boards and Amzoiled. Soon to be mildly bombed. 84 Dodge d-150, 318 Hooker headers,Edelbrok intake,mallory ignition,Carter Afb,Accel coil,and Custom dual exhaust. Boat,fifthwheel,motorcycles,and shop,job to support toys. Yuck...

 

[RBrunson]

Amazon Explorer:

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group og natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God i'm dead. " There is a ray of light rom heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT dead. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. " So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the chiefs head. . As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Wow... ... . NOW your dead. "

 

[wrward]

stand back, they turned me loose with access to this forum. nice to join you jokesters.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.
1.compliment her
2. respect her
3. honor her
4. cuddle her
5. kiss her
6. caress her
7. love her
8. stroke her
9. tease her
10.comfort her
11. protect her
12. hug her
13. hold her
14. spend money on her
15. wine and dine her
16. listen to her
17. care for her
18. stand by her
19support her
20. go to the ends of the earth for her

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

1. show up naked
2. bring beer

 

[Archive]

There once was a successful rancher who
died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching.
So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and
when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy - figuring it would be safer to have him round the house than the drunk. He turned out to be fantastic worker,
worked long hard hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.
For weeks the two of them worked, and the
ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great; you should go into town and kick up your heels. "
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock
and no hired hand; two-thirty, in came the
hired hand.
The rancher's wife was sitting by the
fireplace and quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take
it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she asked. "Now take off my boots. " He did so,
slowly. Now take off my socks. " He did.
"Now take off my skirt. " He did. "Now take off my bra. " Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
Now," she said, "Take off my panties. " He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, "Now,
don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

 

[Jumbo Jet]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next. ”

They stopped that I TRIED TO BY-PASS THE CUSSING FILTER after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.