Joke of the day

[crabman]

Guy in his 40's buys a new BMW and is out on the highway. Top is down, the breeze blowing through his hair. He opens her up. Hits 80mph. Flashing lights behind him. He thinks "No way he can catch a BMW!" Needle hits 90, 100, 110... then reality hits him.
"What the hell am I doing?" He pulls over. Cop walks up, slams ticket book down on the guys hood,takes his license and registration. Not a word spoken.
40's guy is beginning to sweat. Cop finishes looking at ID's. Cop says "It's been a long day, buddy. This is the end of my shift. It's Friday, the 13th. I hate paperwork. You give me a plausible excuse for your ridiculous driving that I haven't heard before, I'll let you go. "
40's guy thinks for a second and says "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back. "
Officer says "Have a nice weekend. "

------------------
'95 2500SLT,5 spd. ,3:54,longbed,PrimeLoc,PacBrake,K&N,Mag-Hytec diff. ,Rhino Liner, Amsoil bypass oil filter,CAT-less,Amsoil in Diff. & transmission. gauges (EGT & Boost) next.

 

[crabman]

WITTICISMS

Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape.
Round is a shape.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll
get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

And this one is the real truth, so pay attention:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing.

------------------
'95 2500SLT,5 spd. ,3:54,longbed,PrimeLoc,PacBrake,K&N,Mag-Hytec diff. ,Rhino Liner, Amsoil bypass oil filter,CAT-less,Amsoil in Diff. & transmission. gauges (EGT & Boost) next.

 

[Archive]

Male Language Patterns


"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless. "

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless. "

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter. "

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. "

"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works. "

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead. "

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. "

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again. "

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women. "

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday. "

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong. "

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket. "

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me. "

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper. "

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again. "

 

[buttugly]

A man's wife came home from work to find a note her husband left which read: "Honey,your doctor called and said you pabts beer is OK"

 

[paccool]

A plane is flying along and the pilot and co-pilot are talking, passing time. All of a sudden an engine quits. Pilot says "it's ok, we still have 3 engines left". A few minutes later another one quits. Now the pilot gets worried and tells the co-pilot to look for a place they can land. Pretty soon the co-pilot sees a place that looks big enough to land on. They start an approach. Pilot tells the co-pilot to set half flaps. Co-pilot says 'check". They drop some more altitude and get closer when the pilot tells the co-pilot "full flaps", "check". now they are real close and the pilot orders the landing gear down, co-pilot says "check".
They touch down and the pilot gets on the reverse thrusters and jams on the brakes. The plane runs off the end of the runway and flips over, all torn up. Pilot and co-pilot crawl out of the wreakage and up onto the runway. Pilot says "that was the shortest runway I've EVER seen"! Co-pilot sits there for a few moments looking back and forth and then says"Yea, but look how WIDE that S. B. is! #ad


Stan

 

[BCFAST]

A horse walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender comes over and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

 

[Bad340fish]

I am gonna here about this one i am sure... but I don't care #ad


Two Oklahoma boys were playing a little
sandlot football when one of the boys was attacked by a rabid bird dog.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips
a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists,
breaking the dog's neck.
A Tulsa World reporter hears of the incident and rushes over to interview
the boy. "YOUNG SOONER FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL" he starts
writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sooner fan," the little
hero replies. "Sorry, since we are in Oklahoma, I just
assumed you were. " says the reporter, and he starts writing again. "O-STATE

COWBOY FAN RESCUES FRIEND
FROM HORRIFIC ATTACK. " He jots in his notebook.
"But I'm not an OSU fan either. " the boy responds.
"I assumed everyone in the state of Oklahoma was either for the Sooners or
the Cowboys. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Texas
Longhorn fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts with a clean sheet
of paper from his notebook and scribbles, "LITTLE REDNECK B*STARD KILLS
BELOVED FAMILY PET. "


[This message has been edited by Bad340fish (edited 02-14-2001). ]

 

[Frank J. Lloyd]

FORD

 

[rich m]

Originally posted by Bad340fish:
I am gonna here about this one i am sure... but I don't care #ad

"LITTLE REDNECK B*STARD KILLS
BELOVED FAMILY PET. "


[This message has been edited by Bad340fish (edited 02-14-2001). ]

I read that one!

 

[rich m]

Originally posted by rich m:
I read that one!

(here comes one for the NOMEX suit!)

while observing a particularly (to me) unattractive co-worker, from a certain Asian "sub-continent" where there are still "untouchables" , starving people, and lots of cattle, the thought occurred to me:

If not for arranged marriages, some girls (and guys) would be single forever.

 

[zzman]

Words of Wisdom

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse
every year.

I am having an out of money experience.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

And this one is the real truth, so pay attention:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you
stopped laughing.

______________________________

 

[rich m]

got these emailed to me just this very day!

Subject: THE ATHEIST & THE BEAR


>
>THE ATHEIST & THE BEAR
>An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
>"accident of evolution" had created.
>"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he
>said to himself.
>As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
>behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 9-foot grizzly charge towards
>him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
>and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that
>tears
>were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear
>was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run
>even
>faster.
>He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
>saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and
>raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried
>out
>"Oh my God!... "
>Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river
>stopped
>moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the
>sky,
>"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I do not
>exist,
>and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
>you
>out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
>The atheist looked directly into the light "it would be hypocritical to
>ask
>to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you make the
>bear a Christian?"
>"Very well," said the voice.
>The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest
>resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ... brought both paws
>together ... bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am
>about
>to receive, I am truly thankful. "
/////////////////////////////////////////////

Three guys die together and go to heaven... . St. Peter says, "We only have one rule... don't step on the ducks as they are God's favorite creation. " They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's almost impossible to not step on a duck.

The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the biggest, ugliest woman he'd ever seen... St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever. "

The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure enough, St. Peter comes with another ugly woman and chains them together. Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn't step on any ducks. One day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman: Blonde, blue-eyed, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.

The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve this good fortune?" And the Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck. "

#ad

 

[Papa Joe]

Rich... ..... now that's QUITE a pair to draw to !!! #ad

 

[C Schomer]

What's the definition of an atheists' funeral?

All dressed up and no place to go!!

My older brother says he's learning the 3 Nevers of aging.

Never pass up a chance to whizz!
Never ignore a woody!
And Never assume it's just a fart!

 

[#2DSL]

Aliens have landed on earth yesterday, they are peeing diesel fuel and eating the tree huggers!

 

[rich m]

Originally posted by #2DSL:
Aliens have landed on earth yesterday, they are peeing diesel fuel and eating the tree huggers!

if ET will make good cetane, i'll take him on a tour!

 

[OO]

The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:

* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and shows signs of starting to dig.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.

* I would not allow this man to breed.

* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definitely won't be.

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap.

* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

* This man has delusions of adequacy.

* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve
them.

* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds
it together.

* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

* Fell out of his family tree.

* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.


[This message has been edited by OO (edited 02-27-2001). ]

 

[Bill H]

A BRIDGE OR WOMEN'S EMOTIONS?

A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle. He
looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie
appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, " I am so
grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can
only grant one. "

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go
to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly, Airplanes are
much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become
very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I
can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling
needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the
bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too
much to ask. "

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one
other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand
women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are
they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they
don't. Basically, what makes them tick. "

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two
lanes or four?"



------------------
'00 2500 QuadCab SLT 4x4,White,5spd,tow package,3. 54,vinyl floor,rear slider,PIAA driving lights,Century "Ultra" matching cap,lost silencer ring. Westin "powdercoat" nerf bars. Rhino lined "rockers" for chip protection. Clearance lights. Jardine 4" exhaust.

 

[Eventer]

>Has anyone ever realized that virtually ANY slogan would work great for a condom. Which condom(s) would you use...

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Condoms: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Condoms: Mmm, mmm good.
GE Condom: We bring good things to life.
AT&T Condom: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condom: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condom: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going... .
Chevron Condom: Do people care? People do.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family.
Double Mint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double you fun!
The Star Trek Condom: To boldly go where no man has gone before.


------------------
Lyndon Hendry
Chief Equine Officer (CEO) and
President for Life
Head Over Heels Farm

2001 2500 QC LB ETH/DEE 3. 55RE Patriot Blue
Pop-Up Hitch, Stock engine except for MIA blow-by-bottle

"An oil burner for the hay burners. "

 

[Big-D]

The Bet

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because,"It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She repied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets. "The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square. " "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that myballs are not square!"

The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A. M. as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that
there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A. M. , the little old lady Appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the Lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money,so guess you should be absolutely sure. " Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the Matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A. M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.