Joke of the day

[Missouri Mule]

Three man(cuban, black and a redneck) were shipped wrecked on a deserted island. One day they find a lamp in the sand. They pick it up and check it out when suddenly a Geni pops out of the lamp. The Geni seeing three men says usually I grant three wishes for the person who lets me out but since there are three of you I will grant one wish for each of you.
So the cuban wishes he could go to Cuba over throw Castro and become a great leader and make Cuba a great and wealthy country again.
The Geni says done and the Cuban disappears.
The black man wishes he could go to Africa to become a great leader of his people and win their freedom and make them wealthy. The Geni says done, the black man disapears.
The Geni looks toward the last man and ask what does he want.
The rednick says "life can't get any better than this! Give me a BUD!!"

 

[Champane Flight]

Heres one for the books.
A Texan and a Okie are riding fence together when they run into a sheep with its head caught in the fence. The Texan jumps off his horse unzips his pants and has his way with the sheep. When he finished he zips up and gets back on his horse. He tells the Okie "Well,don't you want some of that"?The Okie shrugs,gets off his horse and sticks his head in the fence.

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95 Dodge 2500 Luverne grill guard,headache rack,running boards and Amzoiled. Soon to be mildly bombed. 84 Dodge d-150, 318 Hooker headers,Edelbrok intake,mallory ignition,Carter Afb,Accel coil,and Custom dual exhaust. Boat,fifthwheel,motorcycles,and shop. 72000 as of 3/1/01,not even broke in yet. Old Dodge 126000 miles and running better than new.

 

[Big-D]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in Prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish. " The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice
the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. " The man said, "Please build a
bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to. " The Lord said, "your
request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and
glorify me. "

The man thought about it for a long time,,,,,.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand what women want. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are really thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a women truly happy??"

After a long pause, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that Bridge?"

 

[tmacc]

This is my wife's favorite joke,

It's Sat. night and this scotsman is leaving the pub after consuming vast quantities of his favorite beverage. He gets about half way home and passes out on the side of the road. The next morning, two lassies come walking by and see the the man lying by the road. One says to the other "I wonder if it's troo dat men don'na wear anytin under dare kilts?" So they go over to the young man and satisfy their curiousity. One lassie has an idea. "I'm going to take one of my blue hair ribbons and tie it on so he'll know someone came by. " Well, a little while later the young man comes to and he has to take a leak. He hikes up his kilt and looks down and with a note of surprise he exclaims, " I don'na ware ya been laddie, but I see ya won first prize"

 

[weber1048]

This is one my son-in-law sent:



KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and
while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several
people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with
her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer
who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to
the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very
strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and she had been holding her brains in for over an
hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from the back of her
head. When the paramedics finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad
of breaddough on
the back of her head. Canned Pillsbury biscuits exploded with a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her
head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered
and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour while she waited for
someone to come to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

 

[drawson]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IF:

You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid
all the weather-related accidents.

Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.

You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a
sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses,
and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay
rep is a guy in drag.

It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about
"THE STORM!"

Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El,
La, Santa, De La, or De Los.

Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.

A family of four owns six vehicles.

Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and
snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over
almost as soon as you realize what's happening.

Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.

And finally, a question:

Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.

 

[Andy Perreault]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged, shaking and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table. Suddenly it was smacked with a spatula by his wife... ...

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!"


[This message has been edited by Andy Perreault (edited 04-13-2001). ]

 

[rich m]

Originally posted by Champane Flight:
Heres one for the books.
A Texan and a Okie are riding fence together when they run into a sheep with its head caught in the fence. The Texan jumps off his horse unzips his pants and has his way with the sheep. When he finished he zips up and gets back on his horse. He tells the Okie "Well,don't you want some of that"?The Okie shrugs,gets off his horse and sticks his head in the fence.

I never knew of my wife's cousin, Tracy riding fence.

 

[dmurdock]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent. "

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. "

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent ... stink terribly!"

The doctor says "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,let's work on your hearing!"


[This message has been edited by dmurdock (edited 04-17-2001). ]

 

[jperreault]

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and an obese lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again".

 

[Loren]

An Irishman walks out of a pub...

Hey, it could happen.

 

[bigkid59]

Here is one that my girlfriend's father just Emailed to me!
Subject: i'll bet this was true !!!!!!


This one made me laugh out loud! Whether true or not, it's still funny.
>
> This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed
> from recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
the
> HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
> WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause. " Actual dialogue
of
> a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they
record
> these conversations|)
>
> "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
>
> "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. "
>
> "What sort of trouble?"
>
> "Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"
>
> "Went away?"
>
> "They disappeared"
>
> "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
>
> "Nothing"
>
> "Nothing?"
>
> "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. "
>
> "Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
>
> "How do I tell?"
>
> "Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"
>
> "What's a sea-prompt?"
>
> "Never mind can you move your cursor around the screen?"
>
> "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type"
>
> "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
>
> "What's a monitor?"
>
> "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
> little light that tells you when it's on?"
>
> "I don't know?"
>
> "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
> goes into it. Can you see that?"
>
> "Yes, I think so"
>
> "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
> wall. "
>
> "Yes it is"
>
> "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
> cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
>
> "No"
>
> "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
> cable. "
>
> "Okay, here it is"
>
> "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
> your computer"
>
> "I can't reach it"
>
> "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
>
> "No"
>
> "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
>
> "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
> dark"
>
> "Dark?"
>
> "Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
> the window"
>
> "Well, turn on the office light then. "
>
> "I can't"
>
> "No? Why not?"
>
> "Because there's a power failure"
>
> "A power... . A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now! Do you
> still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
>
> "Well, yes I keep them in the closet"
>
> "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
> when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. "
>
> "Really? Is it that bad?"
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid it is. "
>
> "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
>
> "Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer"

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92 D250 Auto Trans-Currently stock except for TCI special torque convertor. Now adding 16cm turbo housing, complete 4" exhaust, tachometer, pyrometer, and transmission temperature gauge. Injectors in the near future.
Also have 1984 Volvo D260 with inline 6 diesel made by Volkswagen.