Joke of the Day!!!

[TORQUE THIS]

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.



Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.



They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.



For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.



They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.



They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.



One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"



"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male. "

 

[Casey Ray]

A TDR guy goes to walk into a club, and the doorman says, "Sorry, but you have to have a tie.



Any kind of tie. Necktie, bolo tie, whatever. "



The TDR guy goes back out to his truck, and all he has is a pair of jumper cables. He ties them in a bow around his neck, goes back up to the door of the club, and says, "Is this okay?"



The doorman says, "Yeah, go ahead in, but don't start anything. "

 

[Casey Ray]

Chili Cook Off....

A story from a guy named Cameron:



Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original personal called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet joke writer and therefore known and adored by all.



Here are the scorecards from the event:







Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili



JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.



JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.



CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.







Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili



JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.



JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.



CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.







Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili



JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.



JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.



CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally. " Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift. "









Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic



JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.



JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.



CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.







Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover



JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.



JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.



CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.









Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety



JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.



JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.



CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.









Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili



JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.



JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.



CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.









Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili



JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.



JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.



CAMERON: I should probably have my stomach pumped, but I doubt there is a lining remaining. I can't believe I'm not comatose. I want my mommy……. .

 

[Rotty]

ROTFLMAO



I needed that! It brought tears to my eyes..... :-laf

 

[Casey Ray]

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning. "



"What is she doing?" the pal asks.



"Waiting for me to get home. "

************************************************************************

My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. Now I'm wondering how he found out.

************************************************************************

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever.



Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go alot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck. "



The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



This guy bursts into the house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"



She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"



He replies, "I don't care... . Just get out!!!"



**********************

15 REASONS BEER CAN BE BETTER THAN A WOMAN



1) a beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. .

2) when you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer. .

3) a beer wont get upset if you come home and you have beer on your breath. .

4) you don't have to wine and dine a beer. .

5) if you pour a beer right you will always get a good head. .

6) hangovers go away. .

7) when you finish a beer the bottle is still worth 5 cents. .

8) you don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. .

9) a beer always goes down easy. .

10) you can share a beer with your friends. .

11) beer is always wet. .

12) you always know your the first one to pop a beer. .

13) you can have more than 1 beer and not feel guilty. .

14) a frigid beer is a good beer. .

15) you can enjoy a beer all month. .

***********************



A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"



He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes. " She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20. 00".



She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it. " He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. . being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.



He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25. 50. "



She says, "But didn't you say it was $20. 00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20. 00, the duck call is $3. 00, and the catfish stink bait is $2. 50. "

 

[ToolManTimTaylor]

Originally posted by TORQUE THIS

"You know what this means, don't you?"



"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male. "

:{ :-laf :{