Joke of the Day

[sdalton]

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went

out

and bought himself a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his

new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway

patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He

decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man

sped

up to 95 mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy,

I

could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to

the

car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you

can

give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go. "

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a

patrolman

and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her

back. " The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day. "

 

[Whitmore]

holy cripes

LMAO :-laf :-laf



My wife ran away with my best friend and I sure do miss him :{

 

[wcaldwell]

I still miss my ex - but my aim is getting better... ... ... ... .

 

[ACoyle]

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT?





"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?"





"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood. "





"Thank you very much for the call, sir. "





The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.





The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"





"Yeah!"





"Did they chop your firewood?"





"Yep. "





"Merry Christmas Buddy"

 

[Proram]

What's The difference between an Oral and rectal Thermometer?



























The Taste:--) :--) Proram

 

[Shovelhead]

Originally posted by Proram

What's The difference between an Oral and rectal Thermometer?



The Taste:--) :--) Proram

"Dat boy 'jes ain't right. :--)

 

[RHARVEY]

You guys sure know how to make eating breakfast and surfing the website more interesting



Rick

 

[Proram]

"Dat boy 'jes ain't right

Why Thank you ED, I Resemble That Remark



Scott

 

[JSmith]

Q: How do you stop an al Qaeda bingo game?

A: Yell B-52. :-laf

 

[illflem]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "

 

[bighammer]

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.



Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.



Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink. " Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.



Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"



"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"



"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!

 

[rrausch]

85 year old man goes to the doctor and asks for a sperm count.

The MD discourages him. The old man says, "I just want to see what's happening down there. " So the MD gives the old guy a little plastic vial and tells him to "produce a sample" and bring it back in to get analyzed.

3 months go by. The old man finally comes back in and hands the MD the empty plastic vial. He hangs his head and says sadly, "Well Doctor, I tried...

I tried with my left hand... and then I tried with my right hand... "

The MD says squeamishly, "Well... . have your wife help you!"

The old guys says, "Well... she tried too! She tried with her left hand... she tried with her right hand... she tried with her teeth in... and she tried with her teeth out... we just can't get the cap off that little plastic vial at all!"

 

[RedRam1]

Couple of married gals were walking along a deserted beach when one finds an old lamp. Lady rubs the lamp & a genie comes out. Genie says 'I'll grant you three wishes, but, no matter what you wish for, your husband will get something 10 times as good'. Lady's first wish is to be the richest woman in the world. Genie says 'OK, I'll give you a couple million more than Bill Gates, but you realize I will have to give your old man 10 times as much'. She says 'OK, I'm not greedy'. Her second wish is to be the most beautiful woman in the world. Genie says 'OK, but your husband will be ten times better looking'. Lady says 'I don't care, he's not gay, and I'm still the best looking WOMAN in the world'. Genie says 'you have one more wish, make it a good one'. Lady thinks for a minute and says 'I'd like you to give me a very mild heart attack'!!

 

[TPCDrafting]

My Wyoming brothers can confirm this one.

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute. " Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Atlanta, Greensboro, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.



Finally, he arrived in Wyoming . Upon entering a church near the Tetons, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read, "Calls: 35 cents. " Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have visited churches in cities all across the country, and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents a call. Why?"

Pastor Haugen, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Wyoming now..... it's a local call. "

 

[QRTRHRS]

The Old Man and the Marine

An old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton. " The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. " The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White

House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton. " The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. " The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton. " The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and he no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it. " The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow".

 

[JSmith]

A blond is speeding, and a blond female cop spots her and gives chase. Cop pulls the car over and and tells the blond driver, I stopped you for speeding. Can I please see your drivers lic. The driver checks and checks her purse and says I can`t find my lic. The cop says it has your picture on it. The driver opens her compact case and looks in the mirror, hands it to the cop. The cop says oh! if I had known you were a cop I would not have pulled you over.

 

[duaneparks]

A wife was invited out for a night with "the girls. " She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a. m. , drunk as a skunk, she headed for home.



Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with sucha quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.



The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in and she told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. She thought, "Whew! Got away with that one!" Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock. " When she asked him why, he said, "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh sh-t,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted. "

 

[me4osu]

One of the few clean ones I have.

I really did laugh at the last one. No, really.



(1) What does the average A&M player get on his SATs?

Drool.



(2) What do you get when you put 32 Oklahoma cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.



(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?

Grease her hips and push like heck.



(4) How do you get a Texas Tech graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.



(5) Why do the Iowa State cheerleaders wear bibs?

To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.



(6) Why is the Baylor football team like a possum?

Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.



(7) What are the longest three years of a K-State football player's life?

His freshman year.



(8) How many Colorado freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

None . . . That's a sophomore course at Colorado .



(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?

Lawrence, Kansas. . . He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.



AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash... )



(10) Why did Oklahoma State choose orange as their team color?

You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and

picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

 

[nickleinonen]

Why did Oklahoma State choose orange as their team color?

You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and

picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week

:-laf:-laf hey, i wear orange shirts at work... :-laf:-laf

 

[RBrunson]

News from the doctor

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.



He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!



“Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he’s in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. As this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T. V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.



“If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. ”



On the way home the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”



She replied,



“You’re gonna die”