Jokes

[Archive]

A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth. "

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," said the mother.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the foreheadwith his index finger. "Hurts doesn't it!"

 

[Ramboy]

Old Virus Threats...



CLINTON VIRUS:

Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.



VIAGRA VIRUS:

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.



LEWINSKY VIRUS:

Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what

it did.



RONALD REAGAN VIRUS:

Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.



MIKE TYSON VIRUS:

Quits after two bytes.



OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:

Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands back

up to 200 MB.



DR.   JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS:

Deletes all old files.



ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS:

Disks can no longer be inserted.



DISNEY VIRUS:

Everything in your computer goes Goofy.



PROZAC VIRUS:

Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.



JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS:

Only attacks minor files.



ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:

Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.



LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS:

Re-formats your hard drive into a 3. 5 inch floppy, then discards it through

Windows.

 

[Ramboy]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first

class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a

tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't

sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably

hallucinating.



A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes

a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is

about to go nuts. She can't believe that he's seeing what he's

seeing.



A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.

She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet

again.



The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the

woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times

you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind

of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"



The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I

have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an

orgasm. "



The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you

taking for it?"



The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper. "

 

[ETOBICOKE]

A Newfoundland Saturday Night

From the Province where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a George Street tavern. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer,having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken. "

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy. "





Neil

 

[JohnMcIntyre]

European humour

<font color = blue>

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie. "

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right. "

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play. "

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... . I think. "

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. "

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a f***ing liar!



**************************************************



A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 1 inch in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.



So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.



The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.



The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. " "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.



Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and various other mundane chores. " "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. "





But then...



A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.



The moral of this tale is: - that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.





************************************************



Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,

Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a

beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says:

"Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on

Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.



When things began to heat up considerably. " Our hero tears her blouse

open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her

breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"



They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam

up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her lingerie, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and sets the brandy on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously,



"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our hero

stands up, defiantly, and "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go

down,... ... ... I go down in flames!"



***************************************************



Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible

lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball every where but where it's

supposed to go.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?

"The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong? "He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress. "

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over. " He gets about

halfway there and comes back. The second guy says, "What's wrong? "The

first guy says, "Small world. "

 

[RobMitch]

Several thousand Palm Beach residents met recently for

a "Democrats Are Not Stupid" convention. Al Gore says,

"We are all here today to prove to the world that Palm

Beach Democrats are not stupid. Can I have a

volunteer?"

A small elderly woman gingerly works her way through

the crowd and steps up to the stage. Gore asks her,

"What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says,

"Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little

disappointed.



Then the crowd started cheering, "Give her another

chance! Give her another chance!" So Gore says, "Well

since we've gone to the trouble of getting all of you

people in one place and we have the world-wide press

and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we

can give her another chance. " So he asks, "What is 5

plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says,

"Ninety?"



Gore is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a

dejected sigh-everyone is disheartened - the little

old lady starts crying and the Democrats begin to yell

and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER

CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"



Gore, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than

damage, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more

chance-What is 2 plus 2?" The lady closes her eyes,

and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"



Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as every

Democrat in the audience jumps to their feet, waves

their arms, stomps their feet and screams...



"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

 

[Evan A. Beck]

A few things we will never know the answers to:



--Do sheep shrink when it rains?



--Why are there handicapped parking spaces at skating rinks?



--Why is there braille on a drive up ATM?



--Why is it whn you send something by ship it is called "cargo," and when you send somehting by truck is is called a "shipment?"



--What color does a smurf turn when you choke it?



--What do people in China call their good plates?



--Why do thy sterilize the needle when it's going to be used for a lethal injection?



--Why is a bra singular, and panties plural?



--If the "black box" in planes is made of nearly indestructable material, why don't they build the whole plane outta that crap?



That should get your minds stirring...

 

[DMcClellan]

Dear Abby,



I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a

carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in the suburbs of Philadelphia

and one of my sisters,who lives in Bensenville, is married to a

transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing

and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two

sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.



I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life

sentence in Attica for rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The

other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on

charges of incest with his three children.



I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who

lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a

brothel. However, her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own

brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters

would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them

not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,

and hopefully the heroin.



My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her

into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.



Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Al Gore????





Signed,



Worried About My Reputation

 

[Archive]

Originally posted by Evan A. Beck

A few things we will never know the answers to:



--Do sheep shrink when it rains?

Being from Montana, I can answer that one! Nope. I'll leave it at that!

 

[Andy Perreault]

Two clergymen, a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop, were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the bishop and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?"

The Mormon bishop responded, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs. " The Catholic priest then asked, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee?" "Yes," said the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit--on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee. " The Catholic priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Mormon bishop spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, that is still one of our vows. " The Mormon bishop then asked, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow. "

The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment. A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"

 

[Dieselnerd]

"DIESEL FITTER"

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to

the unemployment office.



Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic on to

cotton panties. " The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it

classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.



Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since

diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.



When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back in to the office to

find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven pulls them down on his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter. '

 

[Ramboy]

As explained by Cliff Claven to his buddy Norm Peterson

one afternoon at Cheers:



"Well, ya see Norm, it's like this... . A herd of buffalo

can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the

herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the

back that are killed first. This natural selection is good

for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health

of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the

weakest members. "



"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as

fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol,

as we all know, kills brains cells, but naturally it attacks

the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular

consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making

the brain a faster more efficient machine. Thats why you always

feel smarter ... ... ... ... ..... after a few beers. "

 

[EMDDIESEL]

Good ones Evan, dont forget, "Why do you park on a drive way, and drive on a parkway?"

 

[Ramboy]

These are actual quotes by Commentators at various sporting events.



"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... . I saw her snatch this

morning and it was amazing. " (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator)



"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. " (Ted

Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)



"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind

it which is identical. " (Murray Walker)



"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. "

(Greg Norman)



"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none

of them serious. " (Alan Minter)



"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the

same thing again" (Terry Venables)



"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can

see it all over their faces. " (Ron Atkinson)



"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing

the cox of the Oxford crew. "(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)



"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks

on the field. " (Metro Radio)



"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs

and showing his class. " (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)



"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well

is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls

and kisses them... ... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

(USTV Commentator)

 

[EMDDIESEL]

ROFLMAO!!!

 

[Archive]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. " Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger. " Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. " "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box. "

 

[Archive]

Here is one I just got... .





Three Italian Nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.



He says, "Ladies you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you would like to be. "



The first Nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and "poof" she's gone.

The second Nun says, "I want to be Madonna," and "poof" she's gone.

The third Nun say's, "I want to be Sara Pipalini"



St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.



"Sara Pipalini," replies the Nun.



St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but

that name doesn't ring a bell"



The Nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .....



"No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by 1,900 men in 6 months. "

 

[Headlight]

IRS

Tax Time.

Prostitute goes to local H & R Block Tax store to file her taxes.

Clerk- you're occupation?

Prostitute- *****.

Clerk- Thats not an acceptable occupation.

Prostitute- Thats what I am!

Clerk- Maybe you can rephrase you're occupation.

after several minutes of thinking.

Prostitute- I am a chicken farmer.

Clerk- How can you be a ***** and then be a chicken farmer.

Prostitute- Well I raised over a thousand cocks last year!

 

[JSchooley]

MEN

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".

Example of those days are:

Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday and Thunday



WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . . .

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. 5% said it was to get a glass of water, 12% said it was to go the toilet, 83% said it was to go home.



THE PERFECT BREAKFAST... as a man sees it... You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"



BTW, I really like this forum Keep em cummin.

 

[Ramboy]

Seen On Tee Shirts





1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam. " (seen at Cape Cod)



2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)



3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"



4. "Procrastinate Now. "



5. "Rehab Is for Quitters. "



6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone. "



7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"



8. "Party - My Crib - Two A. M. " (on a baby-size shirt)



9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 14



10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING. "



11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names. "



12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software. "



13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN. "



14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes. "



15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. "



16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"



17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music. "



18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose. "



19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken. "



20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. "



21. "Time's fun when you're having flies... ... . Kermit the Frog. "



22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ... . Cops have nothing to go on. "



23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. "



24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH. "



25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand



times the memory. "



26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth... . after we're through with it. "



27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. "



28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment



for a pig. "



29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years. "



30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music. "



31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"



32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"



33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson. "



34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT. "



35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. "



36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. "



37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team. "



38. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning



medicine. "



39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. "



40. A shirt with a Harley Davidson logo on the front. The back said,



"IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE ***** FELL OFF!"



41. "My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she



was God, and I didn't.