Jokes

[Ramboy]

Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well known

expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a

definition for the new expression



RIGOR MORRIS

The cat is dead.





RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID

Honk if you're Scottish



HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?

Can you drive a French motorcycle?





VENI, VIPI, VICI

I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered



VENI, VIDI, VISA

I came, I saw, I shopped.





COGITO EGGO SUM

I think, therefore I am ... a waffle



QUE SERA SERF

Life is feudal



LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI

The king is dead. No kidding



POSH MORTEM

Death styles of the rich and famous



PRO BOZO PUBLICO

Support your local clown



MONAGE A TROIS

I am three years old



HASTE CUISINE

Fast French food



QUIP PRO QUO

A fast retort



ALOHA OY

Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know



MAZEL TON

Tons of luck



VISA LA FRANCE

Don't leave your chateau without it



CARNE DIEM

Seize the meat

 

[Papa Joe]

Pierre, the pilot, for President !!!

 

[Murle]

"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well

is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls

and kisses them... ... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

(USTV Commentator)







Close but not true.



The real quote was on the Jonny Carson show.



Johnny had Arnold Palmer's wife on the show and Johnny asked her what she did to give her husband good luck?

Her quote " I kiss his balls. " Johnny can back and said " I bet that makes his putter flutter. " They cut him off the air and he came back and apologised.



Later in the show he had Za Za Gobor (sp?) on. She had a white cat in her lap. She said " Johnny would you like to pet my *****?". Johnny grined and leaned back in his chair and said, " Yea, if you will move your cat. " They cut him off the air again. Boy he was hot that nite.

 

[Archive]

A blonde in Seattle was feeling so depressed that she decided to

end her life by throwing herself into Puget Sound.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid

water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said "Listen, you've got a lot to live for!

I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you

away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food

every day. " Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her

shoulders and added, "... and I'll keep you happy, and you can

keep me happy. "

The girl nodded yes... after all, what did she have to lose??

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.



From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they would make mad, passionate love until

dawn.



Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors" she explained. "I

get free food and a trip to Europe. And he's screwing me. "



"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Bremerton

Ferry!!"

 

[B. Gill]

a brunette,a redhead and a blond work at the same office and they noticed that their boss who is also a lady takes off early at the same hour everyday,so next day the redhaed says"well if she takes off and then we also can go home there is no way she can tell if we keep our mouths shut, right ? " they all agreed and after their boss left they left too. the redhead goes home and does a few things that she liked doing and brunette also did some things that she wanted to, and the blond goes home opens the door and hears some strange noises coming from her bedroom. so she tip toes and takes a peek inside and finds that her husband is having sex with her boss. so she leaves quitely and goes back to her office. next day they wanted to leave again after their boss leaves, the brunette and redhead say yes lets do it. but the blong says"no i cant do that" when the others asked why she cant ?

the blond says " well i almost got caught yesterday"

 

[OO]

What do you call a blonde with no arms and no legs?





Muffy

 

[TORQUE THIS]

A couple go and buy a brand new 24' boat. They have never owned or operated a boat before. The first time they go out, they put the boat in gear and a horrible vibration shakes the boat. They give it some gas and it gets worse. It just so happens that the dealer they bought the boat from is right near the launch. The sales person gets aboard and puts it in gear with the same result. They get a local diver to inspect the bottom and outdrive. The diver comes up choking and laughing, it turns out the couple never took the boat off the trailer!





This is a true story!! Pretty funny, how could someone be so STUPID!!!

 

[Archive]

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally croaked.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his

commandment to "Go forth and multiply. " In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together. "

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs. "

 

[dewdo]

Two drug users appeared before a judge for sentencing. He told them since their offense involved personal use he was going to assign them to community service. He told them they were to go out among their friends and see how many they could persuade to give up drugs. They were to report back to the judge in a month.



A month goes by and the two came back before the judge. The judge asked the first offender what he had accomplished. He said: "you honor I persuaded thirty people to give up drugs. "



The judge then asked him how he had gone about it. He replied: " I used a large circle and a small circle and told them the large circle was their brains before using drugs and the small circle represented their brains after using drugs. "



The judge said that was great and turned to the other druggy and asked him how many he had persuaded to give up drugs. The second druggy said he had persuaded 300 people to give up drugs. The judge said: "that wonderful! how did you do it.



The second druggy said: "I used the same two circles my friend used only I told my friends that the small circle represented their a-- hole before going to prison for using drugs and the large circle represented their a-- hole after getting out of prison. " The judge said: case dismissed.

 

[klenger]

I put all of mine on my web page...



http://www.users.qwest.net/~klenger/humor/index.html

 

[5thram]

These four nuns are killed in an auto accident. They appear before St. Peter for admission beyond the pearly gate. St. Peter asks Sister Martha, "Do you have any sins to confess?" Martha says, "I touched a penis once with my index finger. " St. Peter tells her she must wash her hands with the holy water in yonder urn before entering heaven. He then asks Sister Theresa the same question. Theresa says, "I once held a penis in my hands, also. I'm so ashamed. " St. Peter instructs her to wash her hands in the holy water in yonder urn. Sister Deborah then jumps up and shouts, "St. Peter, please let me gargle some of that holy water before Sister Mary douches with it!"

 

[merryman]

This is FACT not a joke, but I think it fits



Three log truck operators regularly stopped off at Rogue Elk Cafe (on the rogue river out of Medford Or. ) when running up and down that highway. At one point, a couple of them were trying to decide which new Log Truck to buy and were debating the merits of Autocar, Mack, and Peterbuilt.

One morning one of the guys arriving after the others were allready there, slid into the booth just as the waitress was pouring coffee and said, "By god, I'm getting a new peterbuilt"



The waitress being the type to take no s---- off these truckers, dumped a cup of coffee in his lap, slapped him good and stalked off in a huff!!!!

My friend sat there with his eyes as big as a silver dollar, his mouth wide open saying, "what did I do?"

Vaughn

 

[JohnMcIntyre]

Kemo Sabi?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, had set up their tent, and have gone to sleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend,

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see,"

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars. " "What does that tell you?" asks the Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks,

"Tonto, you Dumb A$$, someone has stolen our tent. "

 

[EricBu12]

Joke

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the but and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your panty hose". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

the next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "you know if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra". this was beyond a silent response so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis and with a death grip in place, she said, "you know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the Gardner, the postman, the pool man, and your Brother!!"

 

[RBrush]

Tragic Crash

Three Nuns were killed in an auto accident.

Upon arriving at the pearlie gates,

St. Peter sais to the nuns, Ladies, before you can

enter, you must ALL answere one question correctly.

So the first Nun steps forward, and St Peter asks " your

question is... Who was the first Man in the garden of Eden?"

And sinse the Nun doesn't want to give an incorrect answere, she thinks the question through, then gives her answere.

"ADAM!" she sais... ... ..... Correct, sais St Peter, You may enter.

The second Nun steps forward, and once again St Peter asks

the question. . "Who was the first Woman,... . in the garden of

Eden?" And like the first Nun, she thinks the question through thouroughly, then gives her answere... ... . EVE sais the Nun. And of course St Peter responds "Correct... you may enter"

And lastly, the third Nun steps forward, ready as she will ever be for her question. And St Peter asks... ... ... "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam in the garden of Eden?" The Nun thinks and thinks, then sais, "My, thats a hard one"... . And St Peter responds ". RIGHT AGAIN, YOU MAY ENTER!"





Rich

 

[Chris N5CWM]

Big Bubba

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them one day he asked Bubba,

"Just what the hell is your secret?"



So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can go forever!"



The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.



His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said,





"That you Bubba?"

 

[Andy Perreault]

After a long night of making love at her place, the young guy rolled over in bed and noticed on the nightstand a framed picture of a man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired, nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me, before the operation. "

 

[Ramboy]

> > Chinese Proverbs

> > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

> > Man who run in front of car get tired.

> > Man who run behind car get exhausted.

> > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

> > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

> > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

> > Man with one chopstick go hungry.

> > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

> > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

> > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

> > Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

> > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

> > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

> > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

> > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

> > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

> > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

> > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

> > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

> > Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

> > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

 

[MCummings]

Classic

 

[BreaksEverything]

Man who run behind car get exhausted ????



shouldn't it be





Man who run behind truck gets smoked ???







or don't they know about the CTD over there yet ???