Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
Subject: Message from Sant Claus
Dear Occupant,
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern Untied States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan and Maine. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us, such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson. "
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen. . " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,... "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty. "
5. "Ho. ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back off. " It has a Dodge RAM logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th street" and "It's a wonderful life" will not be shown in your home viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs this year will be about Bubba Claus. Such as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Floppy-eared, Flyin' Coon Dog. "
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Proud member of North American elves, Local 209
Dear Occupant,
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern Untied States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan and Maine. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us, such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson. "
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen. . " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,... "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty. "
5. "Ho. ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back off. " It has a Dodge RAM logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th street" and "It's a wonderful life" will not be shown in your home viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs this year will be about Bubba Claus. Such as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Floppy-eared, Flyin' Coon Dog. "
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Proud member of North American elves, Local 209
