My Wife is leaving!!

[AClayton]

I really do appreciate all the input guys!!Maybe if I wasn't so pig-headed and didn't work so much to do what I THOUGHT was right,I wouldn't be in this mess now. I should have listened to the warning buzzers a couple of years ago and just plain did not do it. I thought I understood what she wanted and I was mistaken,because now,everything we both worked for... . she is leaving to me. Including the house we bought from her parents,that she grew up in and wanted so badly. Now she is settling for a rental home and things will be hard for her,but I think she will be Ok.



Keeping things amicable for our children is top priority and we are starting with that. The rest..... we will just have to see!!



Thanks again - Alan

 

[E7mack96]

I lost my first wife to working 2 jobs and never seeing her... and she was a high maintenance woman. She found plenty of guys to keep her company while I was working... but it boiled down to the same thing... She just really wanted me there and I wasn't.

Trying to not do the same thing again with the 2nd wife. So far, so good. Got 9 years in

 

[SRath]

I hate to generalize, but women NEVER tell men what's really bugging them. You're supposed to just "know". If you don't, that alone is "proof" you just don't "communicate" or care.



My standard work-week is 60 hours. I usually work about 65; all at night. So we hardly see each other and are only in bed together on weekends IF I make it past my recliner...



In our case, it has probably helped... No time or energy for arguing. Fewer demands from my "18 year old libido" for her affections? I sometimes threaten to go get a Viagra prescription if she thinks it's bad now... They market that stuff to the wrong gender! :-laf



The unfinished projects are another story, and I have told my boss I need to dial it back somehow without losing too much paycheck just so I can play catch-up on those domestic responsibilities.



She does understand that the days of better pay, benefits, and shorter hours (along with a more powerful dollar) are long gone, so she doesn't bust my chops too much. I can work myself to death just as long as I keep the life insurance premium paid.

 

[AClayton]

Damn Scott,I don't know if I feel better or worse after your post:-laf



I'm only 42 so I know I have quite a few years left before retirement... especially after Obama gets his agenda done.



The Real Estate broker called a while ago and we qualified for the home we looked at last night. She will be moving out Oct. 1st. I cannot change her mind so I might as well support her I guess... . I have no choice.





Thanks again - Alan

 

[kenny61]

You have plenty of choices. Too bad most will wind up causing you to go to jail...

 

[ThrottleJockey]

I never got married. Been living with my girl for 20 years. What's the point? An excuse to have a really ridiculous dress up party. I you love someone be together, if you don't, leave.



Still have my house, my trucks, my cars and every dime I ever made. When my girlfriend denys me affection for any one of her stupid reasons, I just get it from another female friend.



In a marriage, women have all the power to grant or deny 'Love'. I choose to keep some of this power for myself. Women can fall into and out of love whenever they wish.



Please.



Most women have no idea what love really is.



Guys who work thier butts off to keep you in nice things, a lovely home and well fed are 'worthless' and 'inattentive' to these high maintainance idiots that we all slobber over because they look a certain way. These type of men are rare and would gladly die for thier women. Yet these same 'wives' cast these dedicated, hardworking men aside after reading a romantic work of fiction or watching some 'reality' show on tv, all citing the exact same tired, worn out prose, "I don't love you anymore"...



... Did you ever?



Love should be enough.

 

[SRath]

Alan, I think you are doing this thing as "right" as it can be done. That is small consolation, and I can definitely sense the pain you're experiencing. But I also sense something else: That pain, strong as it is, is not as strong as your mature, "try to take it like a man" fortitude and reasoning which will serve you, her, and the kids well through this time.

It also makes me think there really might be a chance she eventually realizes what she had. Few men have that kind of fortitude and strength. She will come to understand and appreciate that eventually whether she comes back or not. And whether you take her back or not. I know you don't believe this right now, but it may be that you do not want to take her back. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, but I know for a fact it can happen. It happened to me and I didn't think I was very strong at all.

I had to leave the area completely and start a new life when she left me. A clean slate and all that. New conquests. Old friends. And for the first time in years, everything I did was for me! I started to really enjoy life again. Hunting, fishing, beer drinkin' with my buddies, womanizing and shamelessly carving notches in my gunbelt. Truly Free and single is not an entirely bad thing once you remember how! It was actually easier, being "experienced" and therefore, far more cynical, than when I was young and "overly eager", too.

Then one day, a familiar knock on my door... She had FOUND me! And there has been no escape ever since!! :{ :-laf I am DOOMED to having to hustle and seduce the same woman over and over and over again for the rest of my life!! IT'S GROUNDHOG DAY!!! And for the same thing I've already had over and over and over again?!! We men really are idiots being led around by our jonnies like that. Not that I could ever be p-whipped or anything, of course...

Honestly, she was almost too late and she will never know just how close it was. I had been seeing a woman I once knew from a long time ago and things were on the brink of getting pretty serious. I had a very tough decision to make...

I have never kidded myself about being as smart as Einstein. Nobody is. Even he, the Father of the Theory of Relativity and countless more unequaled feats of reasoning out the Secrets of the Universe, could not figure even one female out, and ended up divorced... :-{}

Don't beat yourself up. Play it cool and maintain your self respect. You owe that to yourself and kids. And that's all you owe anybody.

 

[CFast]

Well sorry to hear this. My wife and I separated 2 years ago for 3 months, then got back together. If it wasn't for my kids we would have divorced. Things were bad before we separated, we didn't see each other much because of work. Now things are better than before. All women are nuts. Remember, no matter how good she looks or how smart she is, someone, somewhere is tired of her butt!

 

[pullya]

Alan,

Have you considered the idea that it is not your fault at all. No matter what you said, didn't say, did, or didn't do wouldn't have made any difference. Sometimes people just grow apart or even worse go through "middle age crazy". As hard as it seems I believe the best thing you can do is let her do what she is bound and determined to do. At this point trying to talk her out of it is pointless. Sometimes, maybe, at a later time she might come to her senses and realize she has made a mistake however there is no guarantee that it will happen. Each one of us has a different amount of time it takes to bounce back from a loss such as you are going through. You will, over time, feel better about what has happened and you will begin to start in a different direction. Sometimes it is even better to relocate and sort of start "fresh". Each of us handles these situations differently. A couple of things I have found out from experience--don't let your mouth over load your *** and drinking doesn't make things better or eaiser to forget. These are just my opinions from my experiences and experiences of good friends of mine.

Jay

 

[AClayton]

I haven't posted about this in a while but there are no changes. We are getting along better than ever but only under the pretence,that she is leaving. We went on a pre-planned camping trip to the Yogi-Bear Campground this past weekend with friends and we did OK,but very awkward for me. If we are by ourselves or with our children,things go cordially,but with other friends and her family around,it gets complicated for me. Not because they take sides or anything... . quite the contrary... . it seems they all try and talk sense to her which doesn't help me at all. It surfaces all of our feelings and makes her decision all the more complicated.



As far as accepting fault,I know it is not all my mine... . she has even admitted that!!We have similar personalities and that alone causes many of our problems. I think time apart is all that she needs but I'm also aware that even that,may not get us back together. My wife is extremely stubborn and very independent... . her decision is made of stone and she has made that crystal clear on many occasions to me!!



As far as bouncing back! I don't accept change very well period!!But the iron will of her decision and lack of reasoning with her IS making it easier to accept the fact that she is leaving and never coming back. Time heals all wounds,physically and mentally,and it is getting easier everyday with her decision. She is moving out in a couple of weeks now and I promised I would help her with the grass and moving and painting and all the other things associated with re-locating... . when she is out,she is out,and all my help will slowly fade away until finally;the only help will be for our children. I want to make this as easy for her as I can,but at the same time,don't want her relying on me to be there for her every household failure. She always wanted the Mr. Fix-it man like her Dad... . she waited for several yrs to find Mr. Fix-it and has made up her mind to leave him now. I truly believe some women cannot be satisfied!!



Pullya-Your post accurately depicts our situation to the T. I don't drink anyway,but she does,and that has added to our issues from time to time. Some people after a few drinks will get happy,some people get obnoxious,some get talkative and a few get mean and nasty. You guessed it!! My wife gets mean when she has had too much to drink!!



As time passes,all of this will get easier. But it is frustrating and it can take its toll on you if you let it. I have an Atv trip planned next week to help ease my pain



Thanks guys-Alan

 

[JQuatsoe]

Ok, so I've never felt compelled to post before, I've always read and gleaned the knowledge in silence but this is an issue close to home for me. 5 years ago I went through an "amicable" divorce without the help of a lawyer. 4 years ago she got a lawyer because her friends talked her into it. I hope that for you everything works out but you must always CYA. The best thing that you can do is to document EVERY minute that you spend with your kids. If it ever goes to court it will be difficult for her to take away any time that you see them, i. e. if you see your kids 2 nights a week now you will get to see them 2 nights a week after also. Do not take her word for it that they she let you see the kids as much as you want. My ex held my daughter for what felt like ransom at times and that is enough to break about any man's spirit. After I eventually got a lawyer myself his suggestion was to create a journal, and document as much information as possible, but make sure that you make some sort of entry each time you see your children. Once a month, paste the front page of your local newspaper in the journal to help establish authenticity. I know that right now you are still hoping for the best and if it does work out then you can simply throw the journal away and no one will ever know, but if it goes the other direction you will cover yourself. This is a hell that no one deserves but the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. Best of luck to you.



J

 

[AClayton]

I have heard all of the horror stories and I dont take them lightly... . your idea about the visitation journal is a very good one... ... ... . one that I pray I will not need!!



I look into the future with a different outlook that she does... . I look for problems that can surface and she wants to look at problems as if there won't be any. I realistically look at issues such as finding another girlfriend several months down the road,the economy getting worse,and of course,as you already stated,the urging of lawyers to get involved due to friends interveining in something they have no business getting involved in. Female friends are the worst... . it is always about the Husband and how poor of a person he is and all that stuff. On that note,it seems I have the advantage right now and quite frankly,it is obvious that our friends and family on both sides tend to side with me at this particular time. We shall see!!!



I do not understand why I have to go through this... . I feel like I have gone beyond the call of duty as far as a good provider and/or husband and/or father... . why do I need to have to go through this kind of situation just because she 'fell out of love with me'



No more marriage for me..... I should probably be happy,I'm FREE from a lousy relationship and free from a stubborn,irrational,independent and strong-willed woman.



I am however,interested in how the future unfolds for us and whether or not she comes around,and wants to come back. We shall see!



Alan

 

[pullya]

Alan,

Is there any reason to believe that things will be any better if she comes back--now or in the future? People say they will change---I promise, I promise, I promise, things will be different and things will be better and I'll try harder-------El Torro Pu Pu!!!!!!!!

I put this up in my office once and I think it may apply to many situations:



Change will occur when the PAIN of remaining the same is greater than the PAIN of the change.



Jay

 

[Mark31]

They say one of the martial arts disciplines teaches how to snatch a man's heart out and show it to him before he dies. This is just about the best discription of divorce. Only One can heal that hole in your heart and He specializes in rebuilding lives and giving them meaning. Pick up His personal love letter to you and see what He has to say. One of (paralized) Joni Erickson Tada's favorite verses is I Peter 5:7. "Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you. "

 

[KnightR]

Only one way you'll get through this especially with kids involved. Prayer. You'll be in mine and I'm not even a bible thumper.

 

[KnightR]

Whoo. Hold on Alan. Been their done that over fourty years ago. Worked for the telephone company 40 plus a week, P/T in a gas station, college 3/4 time and little or no time for the family. Sitting at the supper table a knock on the door, papers served, she just looked at me and said it was for real. I left and fire and hells damnation followed for the next few years. No other man, not even I don't love you. Just left about like your wife. Problem is my pride was hurt and no one was going to do that to this 29 year old redneck. I lost big time. Family along with every else. Your Solution. Smile, be their for the kids, treat her like a lady, ignore other females companionship, pay the bills with not even one gripe. Guaranteed this one in less then a year you and your family will be back together again, and this will be through GOD's grace, and your efford.

 

[AClayton]

Thanks KnightR-This is the strangest divorce ever. We are getting along better now than ever before UNTIL , the mention of persuasion to stay and work things out. That is why I haven't said a peep about in over 3 weeks now. She will be gone in 2 more weeks and I'm hoping for the best.



I really appreciate all the help guys... . it seems our family on both sides and friends do not offer many constructive comments to share because no one understands what she is doing. For that matter,I have to say,I don't exactly know myself.



I will wait and see what the future holds!!





Alan

 

[DaveHess]

Man Alan, I feel for you. I have been married to my bride for a little over 20 years now. Last September she received a promotion and things at home began to change subtly. What I began to miss the most was the lack of affection and attention. Just not feeling special anymore. Sex became more of a chore to her. Along about January it came to a head and she had me in Doctors offices citing my having a behavioral and personality shift. I had become very needy. After much testing, everything came back normal. Only about 3 months ago did she confess to me she had no sex drive what-so-ever and did not feel the need to bestow or have bestowed upon her, any affection. I simply refused to walk away from her because quite frankly, this woman is the best thing that ever happened to me. So I took a step back and quit being so demanding of her time and affection and more understanding of what her days must be like with the added responsibility and stresses, and things are coming very slowly back around again. I also stepped up my help around the house to include doing laundry without being told and helping her clean the house. I can hear the chuckles out there but I will tell you it also made a difference. We are not there yet but getting better all the time.



Alan, I do not have any words of wisdom for you except keep your chin up and maintain your attitude for your girls. No matter what happens you are still their Daddy and don't ever forget that. They won't. Good luck my friend.

 

[Dieselnut59]

I never got married. Been living with my girl for 20 years. What's the point? An excuse to have a really ridiculous dress up party. I you love someone be together, if you don't, leave.



Still have my house, my trucks, my cars and every dime I ever made. When my girlfriend denys me affection for any one of her stupid reasons, I just get it from another female friend.



In a marriage, women have all the power to grant or deny 'Love'. I choose to keep some of this power for myself. Women can fall into and out of love whenever they wish.



Please.



Most women have no idea what love really is.



Guys who work thier butts off to keep you in nice things, a lovely home and well fed are 'worthless' and 'inattentive' to these high maintainance idiots that we all slobber over because they look a certain way. These type of men are rare and would gladly die for thier women. Yet these same 'wives' cast these dedicated, hardworking men aside after reading a romantic work of fiction or watching some 'reality' show on tv, all citing the exact same tired, worn out prose, "I don't love you anymore"...



... Did you ever?



Love should be enough.

ThrottleJockey, I like your approach. Unfortunately, it is damn hard to find a good woman who will go for the shack up thing. I would rather be single than to chance having to split MY stuff, which I have bought 50/50 with anyone if things do not work out. I have a HUGE amount of assets and "stuff" and it is MINE. I am not greedy, just see too many people get burned in divorces. That is a chance I do not want to take. I have a great girlfriend who is also very independent and has a good career. She wants to eventually get married and has brought it up several times recently. I just cannot bring myself to it. It is too big of a risk. I really like the situation her best friend has, although they bought their house together. They have been living together for 12 years and have two children. She keeps mentioning marriage but he feels basically like I do.

I wish yall the best. It is stories like yours that make me happy to be unmarried.

 

[bmoeller]

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