New Joke Thread!!!

Attention: TDR Forum Junkies
To the point: Click this link and check out the Front Page News story(ies) where we are tracking the introduction of the 2025 Ram HD trucks.

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For all you Ruger and Dodge fans....

Will Cheney be charged with manslaughter if Whittington dies???

Any new ones out there? Oo. Hopefully will not keep Moderators/Steve/Robin busy!! :{



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Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.



A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie. "



Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5, 000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.



Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.



Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.



A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.



As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.



Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.



Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.



Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.



Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.



And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared :



"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS"
 
Social Security



A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.



The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt. "



He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.



She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.



She says, "You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too. "



Cary :cool:
 
This is a long one I heard on sattelite radio the other day.



4th grade class full of kids. Teacher says to the students "if any of you kids can answer this question you can have monday off from school". The teacher say identify the person who said this quote,and the year it was said,and you will have monday off. So the teach says "Ask not what your contry can do for you,ask what you can do for your country". All the children sat there without saying a word until little Takashi the Japanese exchange student in the back row raised his hand,and said"Teacher that was John F Kennedy in 1961". The teacher said"very good Takashi I will see you on tuesday". Then the teacher turned to the rest of the class and said"aren't you ashamed of yourselves?Little Takashi has only been in this country 2 years and he knew who said that famous quote. The teacher then turned his back to the class and heard "**** the Japanese!",he turned around and said"Who said that!?"

Little Johnny raised his hand from the front row and said



"Lee Iacoca 1980 see ya on tuesday"



I may have messed it up a bit but you get the jist I think. :-laf
 
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Slightly different than that one:





It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the

son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.



The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who

said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces,

except for Martinez, who had his hand up.



"Patrick Henry, 1775. " He said.



"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the

people, shall not perish from the earth'"?



Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863. ", said

Martinez.



The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.

Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than

you do. "



She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans. "



"Who said that?" she demanded.



Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. "



At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke. "



The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"



Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,

1991. "



Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"



Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the

teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"



Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you

say anything else, I'll kill you. "



Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to

Chandra Levy 2001. "



The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on

the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!"



Martinez said, "The Taliban! 2001. "





Cary :cool:
 
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One day a baby bear calls the police.

"You have to help me, papa bear is beating me. He just beats the crap out of me! You have to help me!" the little bears says.

"How about mama bear, is she there? does she know about is?" asks the policeman.

"Oh no! mama wails on me worse than papa. Please you have to help me, you have to send me away. " the bear replies.

"Where can you send you, so you will be safe and not get beat?" the policeman asks.

"Well I think you could send me to Chicago, because there the Chicago Bears can't beat anybody" :-laf :-laf :-laf
 
One Sunday morning, a burned out pastor decided to call in sick. He wanted the day off like everyone else. He needed a little rest. He decided to use the day to go hiking in the woods. While he was hiking he came upon a bear who looked hungry. The pastor turned around and high tailed it out of there but the bear was in hot pursuit. The pastor prayed while he was running "Lord, please let this bear become a Christian" then he tripped and fell. The bear was practically on top of him then paused and prayed "Lord, bless this meal which I'm about to recieve". The end.
 
Good one Craig!



Deleted the first joke. Sorry, didn't know that was profanity! Didn't make sense without it!



A lawyer charging a high fee, a lawyer charging a low fee, and Santa Claus were all sitting around a table. In the middle of the table was $10,000 cash.



The lights go out for a split second, when they come back on, the money is gone. Who took it?



The lawyer charging the high fee, because the other two are a figment of your imagination.



Nick
 
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The

officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,

sir. "





The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise

control at 60,perhaps your radar needs calibrating. "



Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly

from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear,

you know that this car doesn't have cruise control. "



As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks

over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your

mouth shut for once?"



The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be

thankful your radar detector went off when it did. " As

the officer makes out the second ticket for the

illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his

wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,

can't you keep your mouth shut. "



The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're

not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic

$75 fine. " The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see

officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled

me over so that I could get my license out of my back

pocket. "



The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you

didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your

seat belt when you're driving. " And as the police

officer is writing out the third ticket the driver

turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE

HELL UP??"



The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does

your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"



"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking"
 
Hillary Clinton was out jogging along the Beltway in DC when she slipped and fell over a bridge into a creek below. Three boys were fishing and pulled her out of the water before the secret service could get to her. To show her gratitude, she told the boys she would give each of them anything they wanted.



The first boy said "I want to go to Disneyworld!!!!" She replied, "Ok - I'll even fly you there in my special Senate airliner. "



The second boy said "I want some Nike Air Jordans!!!" She replied, "Ok - I'll even get Michael to autograph them for you. "



She looked at the third boy and he said, "I'd like a motorized wheelchair with color TV and stereo headset. " She looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, but I didn't realize you were handicapped. " "I'm not," he replied, "but I will be when my dad finds out I saved your arse from drowning. "
 
An old cowboy goes down to the local boot shop and buys himself a pair of $350 custom built boots. The best lookin boots he's ever owned.

Being elated with his purchase, he goes home to see if his wife will notice. he wears them around, trying to show them off, but she nevers says anything. Finally she goes to bed. In frustration the old cowboy takes off all of his clothes and walks into the bedroom wearing nothing but his brand new boots. He looks at his wife and asks her:

"well, do you notice anything different?"

"No", she says "it's hanging down like always"

Now extremely flustered, the cowboy replies "That's cause he's lookin at my NEW BOOTS!"

As she rolls over to go back to sleep, she mumbles, "should of bought a hat"

:eek:
 
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk. "



Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright. "

Indian: Look of shock.



Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. "

Indian: Look of total disbelief.



Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk. "



Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool. "

Indian: Extreme look of shock.



Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yes sir"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me. "

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.



Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"



Indian: "Sheep liar. "
 
A guy and his wife are laying in bed when the phone rings. He picks up the phone ,listens for a few seconds then says " how the heck would I know? Call the weather bureau. "

His wife asks " who was that?" He says " aww some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear. "
 
Q-



whats greater than god

more evil than satan

poor people have it

rich people want it



(think about it)



A-



N9999999999o99999999t999h999999i9999999n9999999g999999



I added the (9's) for dramatic appeal



Got it in an email thought it was neat

DM
 
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she

wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection

of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink

fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the

salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?" She replies "Just 15 inches. "

He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need

one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor. " The

surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains. " The

blonde says "HELLOOooooooo... . I've got windows!"



Cary :cool:
 
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A man and wife are driving down the road one cold and rainy night. On the side of the road they spot a baby skunk that can barely move. It looks half dead and the wife thinks it needs saved. She asks her husband "honey, can we please pull over and pick up the baby skunk... he's almost dead!" Well, the husband, being the caring kind, says "Ok". So the wife gets out and picks up the baby skunk and brings it back into the car. When she gets it inside it can barely move. She says to her husband "We need to put it someplace warm so he doesn't die. " Her husband says "well, put it between your legs... it's nice and warm there and he should be quite comfortable. " The wife responds "Ok, but what about the smell?"



The husband says "It's allright, just plug his nose. "





He's expected to recover from his injuries next month.

:-laf
 
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