New Joke Thread!!!

[Eric_77]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to



the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:

green, red, orange, blue and yellow.



The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked the old man was

staring.



The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old

timer, never done anything wild in your life.



Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had

sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son".

 

[JPope]

"... your hands always get so cold, don't your ears ever get cold... "



"... Thanks! carry on..... "



Dan,Looks like your command is his wish!!!! :-laf

 

[JPope]

No Child Left Behind- not intended to be political!!!!!

More of a abbreviation joke like BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) vs. Fresno Area Rapid Transit





In response to the Federal "No Child Left Behind Act"

(NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level.







In the hope that this proposal will be uniformly adopted by all of the states as well as North Carolina, the new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or FART.







All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in Grades 3, 4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%.







If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language, or SMELL.







If, with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP.







If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES.







It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools

(DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP.







This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill

101should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing" Act.

 

[SRadke]

All my jokes and very few that are suitable for here. Hopefully these aren't offensive to anyone... ...



=========================================



A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.



While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told

them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in

the Holy Land for $150. 00.



The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.



The undertaker asked , "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your

mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend

only $150. 00?"



The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three

days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance. "



===============================



A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young

doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started

screaming and ran down the hall.



An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him

her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another

room.



The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor

was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,

she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she

was pregnant?"



The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up,

said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"



==================================



Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.



Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date; I know that you went out

with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give

him my answer. "



Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7

P. M. , dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such

beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a

luxury car--a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out

for dinner--a marvelous dinner--lobster, champagne, dessert, and

after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I

enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with

me--two times!"



Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with

him?"



Edna: "No, no, no! I'm just saying, wear an old dress. "



====================================



Late Christmas joke... .



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint

Peter at the pearly gates.



"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you

must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to

get into heaven. "



The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled

out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle",

he said.



"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter

said.



The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out

a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".



Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly

gates".



The third man started searching desperately through

his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's

panties.



St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and

asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"



The man replied, "They're Carol's"

 

[barbwire]

A wealthy man goes to his lawyer to draft his will. He says to the lawyer... ... ... . I want to leave everything to my wife... ... ... ... With one condition. What might that be, the lawyer asks. Well, he said, she has to get married within six months of my passing. Astounded, the lawer says " why would you want that?" "Well" he said, " I want at least one man to be sorry that I'm gone!!"

 

[Casey Ray]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"



The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver. "

The doctor replied, "My point exactly. "

 

[TRAMPLINEMAN]

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to

the ground. He does't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back

in his head.

The other Texan starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone

and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My

friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help.

Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's

dead. "

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun

shot!!!

The Texan comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

 

[jct8fan]

The Holy Land



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in- law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150. 00. "



The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150. 00?"



The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance. "

 

[TRAMPLINEMAN]

3 Old Guys

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out. "

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of

all. " "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a

racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all. "

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30. "

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30.

So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00.

 

[davemac]

Sometimes I wake up grumpy in the morning... ...





















Sometimes I let her sleep.

 

[DieselTweaker]

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress. "

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable. "

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours. "

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier. "

 

[TRAMPLINEMAN]

He said..... Want a quickie?

She said... . As opposed to what?



He said... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said. . You wear briefs, don't you?



He said..... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.



He said..... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!

She said... . No problem, I'll get you some that is.



He said..... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said... . Well, you succeeded.



He said..... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said... . No, have you?



He said... . Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said... . Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.



He said..... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.



He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said... That's a good idea... . you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and drink beer and fart.



He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said... . Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat

 

[GFritsch]

old lady farts

An old lady goes to see her doctor on account of having very bad gas.



She tells her doctor I have terrible gas, it happens all day. The only good thing is that they don't make any noise, and they have no smell.



The doctor gives the old lady some pills and asks her to come back in a week.



The old lady returns one week later and tells the doctor the pills didn't work. My gas is as bad as ever, only they smell horrible now she complains.



Good says the doctor, we have fixed your sinus problem, now lets work on your hearing.

 

[JPope]

Some Men Never Learn

Some men never learn.



A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.



The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce. "



The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.



The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are. "



Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.



He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. . Up to 60. "I want the car,too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts,all the credit cards and the boat!".



The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.



This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"



The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh,really he inquires, "so what have you got?"



Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.



"The airbag. "



Moral of the Story:



Women are clever. Don't mess with them...

 

[TRAMPLINEMAN]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. "



The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,



"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... ... an auto parts store?"



"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon. "



"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.



The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"



She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up".

 

[jct8fan]

25 Signs of growing up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.



2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.



3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



4. 6:00 AM is when you get up and not when you go to bed.



5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.



6. You watch the Weather Channel.



7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.



8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.



9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up. "



10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door

won't turn down the stereo.



11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.



13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.



15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.



16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!



17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.



18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM now severely upsets, rather

than settles, your stomach.



19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid. Not for condoms and

pregnancy tests.



20. A $4. 00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff. "



21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.



22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to

drink that much again. "



23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. (absolutely!)



25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't

apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.



Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll

enjoy it & do the same.

 

[jct8fan]

Click here: http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

 

[BigGunZ]

What is love making?









It's what chicks do while we're drillin em'.

 

[onestackdram]

A slightly older man goes to the post office to apply for a job. When he arrives the manager says, if you have time today I can see you after you fill out the paper work. The man fills out the application and hands it back to the manager. The manager then says do you have a few minutes? Yes, the man says, I have plenty of time today. Good answer the manager replies, follow me back to my office and we'll chat for a moment.

When they get there and are both seated the manager looks over the application briefly and then looks up. He says just so you know we hire based on a points system is that OK? Yeah that's fine by me answered the man. The manager then asks him, Have you ever served your country before? Yes I have. May I ask when and where? I served in the Army in Vietnam, in the infantry. The manager responds with, that's great war vets earn several points right off. He then asks do you have any disabilities I should know about. Well as a matter of fact I am recieving disability from the army now. The manager asks, may I inquire as to what the disability is? Well you see I was laying in a ditch while in vietnam and a morter went off too close to me and blew my testicles off. The manager winces a response of, oh how tragic, but again it is worthy of several more points, being injured in defense of your country. After several more questions, the manager says, well sir, we weren't going to hire anyone for a few weeks, but I think I would like to hire you today if you're interested. The man says well ofcoarse I am I wouldn't have applied if I weren't. The manager says, well I would like for you to come in tommorow around 10am. Then continues to explain that normal working hours were from 8-5. The man curiously asks, sir, if the hours are 8-5 why do you want me to wait until 10 to come in? Well the manager responds, this is the United States Post Office, we don't do anything for the first two hours of the day except stand around and scratch our b***s, and there's no sense in you coming in for that, now is there. The man will be retiring for the Post Office, soon after putting 20 years.

 

[Signal73]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.



Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.



Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.



So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.



He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.



He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.