New Joke Thread!!!

[crobertson1]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road

> >when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

> >"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf. " The wolf jumps up and runs away.

> >

> >

> >

> >Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees

> >the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

> >"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf. "

> >Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >About two miles down the road Little Red Riding

> >Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a

> >rock.

> >

> >

> >"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf. "

> >With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

> >"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

> >

 

[cap-n-cray]

With apologies to Texans.





A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional. "But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th. "



The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2. "



"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house. "



The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims. "And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.



"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister!"



Cary

 

[jct8fan]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.



The children began to say:

"Red... ... ... ... cherry,"

"Yellow... ... ... lemon,"

"Green... ... ... . lime,"

"Orange... ... ... orange,"





Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.



After eating them none of the children could identify the

taste.



"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father. "



One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out

and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're a## holes!"

 

[tugboatphil]

A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in West Virginia recently with two

ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.



The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"



"Naw, sir, I don't need a license.

You must understand these are my pet fish. "



"Pet fish?" said the game warden.



"Ya. . Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim

round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into these ice

chests and I take them home. "



"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.



The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,

"It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works. "



"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"



The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.



After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"



"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.



The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"



The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"



"The FISH!" replied the warden.



"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.



We in West Virginny may not be as smart as some city slickers,

but we aren't as dumb as most government employees!

 

[tugboatphil]

A young West Virginia boy goes off to college; but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him (now there's a surprise!).



Then he gets an idea.



He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"



"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"



"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course. "



So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.



The boy calls his father again



"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.



"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"



"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"



"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "



His father sends the money.



Now the boy has a real problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.



When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"



"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "



The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son-of-a b*tch before he talks to your Mother!"



"I sure did, Dad!"



"That's my boy!!!"

 

[JPope]

Word Play

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.



A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.



Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.



Practice safe eating - always use condiments.



Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.



A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.



Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?



Some folks use condoms on every conceivable occasion.



Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.



When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.



A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.



What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway. )



Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.



She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.



A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.



With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.



When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.



The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.



You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.



Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.



He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.



Every calendar's days are numbered.



A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. :{



A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.



He had a photographic memory that was never developed.



A plateau is a high form of flattery.



A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at

large.



Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.



Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.



Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.



Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.



Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

[Signal73]

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:



Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7. 0 to Wife 1. 0. I soon

noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that

took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1. 0

installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other

system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10. 3, Football 5. 0,

Hunting and Fishing 7. 5, and Racing 3. 6.



I can't seem to keep Wife 1. 0 in the background while attempting to

run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to

Girlfriend 7. 0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1. 0. Please

help!



Thanks,

Troubled User. (KEEP READING)



_____________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:



This is a very common problem that men complain about.



Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7. 0 to Wife 1. 0, thinking that it

is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1. 0 is an OPERATING

SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also

impossible to delete Wife 1. 0 and to return to Girlfriend 7. 0. It is

impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system

once installed.



You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7. 0 because Wife 1. 0 is designed to

not allow this. Look in your Wife 1. 0 manual under

Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1. 0 and

work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background

application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.



The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because

ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the

system will return to normal anyway.



Wife 1. 0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high

maintenance. Wife 1. 0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean

and Sweep 3. 0, Cook It 1. 5 and Do Bills 4. 2.



However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will

cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9. 5. Once this happens,

the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1. 0 is to purchase

additional software. I recommend Flowers 2. 1 and Diamonds 5. 0 !



WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With

Short Skirt 3. 3. This application is not supported by Wife 1. 0 and will

cause irreversible damage to the operating system.



Best of luck,

Tech Support

 

[PToombs]

I had problems with that program too. I found a way around it. I bought a Girlfriend 7. 0 Laptop to use when away from the house!

 

[JoshPeters]

I'm still trying to find Girlfriend 1. 0!



Man am I behind!

 

[rrausch]

Little Red Riding Hood gets up one morning, puts on her best dress, gets her red cape with the hood on it and puts it on, grabs her basket which is covered with frilly lace and heads down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, near the front door her Grandmother says, "Red, you better watch out!... there's a big bad wolf out there in the forest somewhere, and he'll fondle your titties!" Red Riding Hood demurely says, "I'm prepared. " and leaves the house. She walks down the path a few hundred yards and comes to the wood-chopper chopping wood. "Red," he says, "You better watch out... there's a big bad wolf on the loose in these woods somewhere and he'll fondle your titties. "

Red didn't even slow down, "I'm prepared. " is all she said as she walked on by the wood-cutter and out of sight. Soon she came to the deepest, darkest part of the forest, where the trees were really big and thick, and just as she passed by a big oak tree, out jumped a big nasty wolf. "OK Red!" He said, "This is it! I'm going to fondle your titties!" And he licked his lips and reached out toward her. But Red only reached into her frilly basket and pulled out a . 38 caliber Smith & Wesson, and held it out right under the wolf's nose. "Like Hell Wolfie! You're going to eat me, just like the story says!"

 

[Andy Perreault]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. "Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist. "Why, of course. " he replies.

"Good," she says, "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh. "

"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table. "

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly. "Oh yes they do," says the artist indignantly, "and I can prove it. " With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find, who happens to be the town drunk.

"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

 

[HOBrian]

I'm still trying to find Girlfriend 1. 0!



Man am I behind!

Thats funny :-laf I just upgraded wife from 1. 0 to 2. 0, it came free with turbo tax. 2. 0 version is a lot better. She does not crash as hard and can reboot herself

 

[cap-n-cray]

Subject: You are from California when:







1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.







2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.







3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.







4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named "Flower. "







5. You can't remember ... is pot illegal?







6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.







7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.







8. You can't remember ... is pot illegal?







9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.







10. Gas costs $1. 00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U. S.







11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 a. m. at Starbucks, wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses, who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.







12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.







13. You can't remember ... is pot illegal?







14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH. "







15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.







16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.







17. HEY!!! Is pot illegal???







18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.







19. The Terminator is your governor.







20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.







21. Speed Limit and Stop signs are just a suggestion.







22. And you have absolutely know idea what turn signals are for.





Cary

 

[Signal73]

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time. "

 

[cap-n-cray]

Subject: Hardware Store...







Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.



At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.



When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"



Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"



"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.



Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.



From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot. "



This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store!





Cary

 

[JPope]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello . "







"Mrs. Ward, please. "







"Speaking. "







"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical

Testing







Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to

the







lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as

well,







and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.

Frankly







the results are either bad or terrible. "







"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.







"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's







and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell

which







is your husband's. "







"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned







Mrs. Ward.







"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these







expensive tests one time. "







"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"







"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband







off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way

home,







don't sleep with him. "

********************************

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had

never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and

kindness to all.



One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.



As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled

with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.



"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.



"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.



Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter.

 

[Signal73]

> Headlines from the year 2029:

>

> Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest

> country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White

> minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third

> language.

>

> Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and

livestock.

>

>

> Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

>

> Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

>

> Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the

> Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

>

> Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more

> years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

>

>

>

> France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

>

>

>

> Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,

> but President George Y. Bush's Fundamentalist Right Wing Christian Party

> have banned all smoking.

>

>

>

> George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

>

>

>

> Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17. 89 and reduces

mail

> delivery to Wednesdays only.

>

>

>

> Results of 85-year - $75. 8 billion study show: Diet and Exercise is the

key

> to weight loss.

>

>

>

> Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

>

>

>

> Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,

> they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)

>

>

>

> Texas executes last remaining Liberal.

>

>

>

> Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals and terrorists violates their

> civil rights.

>

>

>

> Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

>

>

>

> New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly

swatters

> and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

>

>

>

> Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political

> contributions to campaign accounts.

>

>

>

> IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

>

>

>

> Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

>

>

>

> Now, send this to whoever you want to and as many as you want and guess

> what... . NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing,

> except you might make someone smile.

>

>

>

> Have a Great Day!

 

[rrausch]

I Love This Truck!

Just got my new fully loaded 2006 Dodge/Cummins 3500 a few days ago. I returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.



The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.



"Watch this," he said, "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!," he continued... and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.



I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,

"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said "Beatles," I'd

get one of their awesome songs.



Well yesterday some moron talking on his cell phone with a car load of buddies ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid them.



"*******s!!," I yelled.



Suddenly the French National Anthem began to play on my radio, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, and Bill Clinton on sax.



I love this truck!



**********************************************************



Watch out!!



I was a victim of the latest scam which is happening at the Galleria Mall.



Two attractive 18 year old women come to your car as you are parking.

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other

comes to your driver's side window saying 'hi' and bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse.



Impossible not to look. When they're finished you thank them and

offer them a tip. They say no but beg you for a ride down the street.



You agree and tell them to get in. On the way one of them performs oral

sex on you, while the other one steals money from your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

 

[onestackdram]

Where's that mall again?

 

[barbwire]

> Headlines from the year 2029:

>







> Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

And the rim height for NBA is still at 10 feet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!