New Joke Thread!!!

[JoshPeters]

When a woman wears leather

clothing, ... ... ... .



a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,

he goes weak

in the knees

and he begins

to think irrationally.





Ever wonder why?

















She smells like a new truck!

 

[RandyHamilton]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to



the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:

green, red, orange, blue and yellow.



The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked the old man was

staring.



The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old

timer, never done anything wild in your life.



Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had

sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son".

OMG!!! Now THAT"S FUNNY!! It got me to thinking about some of the stupid things I did while drunk in various countries around the world serving in the USN!!

 

[loncray]

I spent quite a bit of time drunk in Germany, but I know for a fact that I never ever had sex with a peacock, nor any other animal. The only time I ever got TOO drunk, I have no visual memories. I just remember the CQ (Charge of Quarters, the person in charge of the barracks overnight) yelling at me (apparently my friends and I were singing very loud and very badly), and then I'm in my bed having puked all over myself. I had roommates do some really stupid stuff though - one put so much power thru his 'unblowable' Bose 901 speakers that he melted them (smoke everywhere) - another was arrested by the Polizei for robbing a fest (!) - and he tried to refuse a blood alcohol test, so they took the blood from him. Ah, the good ol' days! :-laf

 

[Elite1]

Ransom

> >

> >

> >

> > A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.

> > Nothing is moving.

> > Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

> > The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What

> > happened"?

> > "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted

> > Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are

> > asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are

> > going to douse them with gasoline and set them on

> > fire, up ahead on the bridge. We are going from car to car, taking up a

> > collection. "

> > The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on

> > average?"



> > "About a gallon. "

 

[RandyHamilton]

The old man and the Marine

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, ''I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry. ''

The Marine looked at the man and said, ''Sir, Mr. Kerry was not elected President. ''

The old man said, ''Okay'' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, ''I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry. ''

The Marine again told the man, ''Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry was not elected president and does not reside here. ''

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying ''I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry. ''

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, ''Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry was not elected president and does not reside here. Don't you understand?'''

The old man looked at the Marine and said, ''Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it. ''

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, ''See you tomorrow sir. ''

 

[JPope]

Ol Gator Says.........

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it. "



"Well," said the big 'gator, what you been eatin' boy?"



"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.



"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"



"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol. "





"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"



"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus' and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the s**t out of 'em, and eat 'em!"



"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the s**t out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an *****hole and a briefcase. "

 

[Rams-n-Hogs]

Subject: Chinese Sick Leave

>>

>>I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

>>

>> Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no

>>come work today,

>>I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs

>>hurt, I no come work. "

>>The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I

>>really need you

>>today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and

>>tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to

>>work. You

>>try that. "

>> Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do

>>what you say and I feel great. I be at work

>>soon... ... ... You got nice house. "

>>

 

[TRAMPLINEMAN]

John's mother-in-law approached him one day and asked, "Why didn't you get me anything for my birthday this year?" John piped up and said, "cause you still haven't used that cemetary plot I bought you last year. "

 

[RandyHamilton]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some

cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"



The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The

pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give

you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my

license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will

happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"



Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the

picture and replied, "Well, Heck, you didn't tell me you had a

prescription. "

 

[JoshPeters]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton

balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons

for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this,

yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of

cigarettes,

and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling

papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... ... ..... so does she.

 

[crobertson1]

A blonde calls her boyfriend to come over and help her with a puzzle she's trying to put together.

Boyfriend asks "what's the puzzle of?"

She replies "a tiger".

He replies "I'll be there shortly".

Boyfriend arrives and finds a pile of "puzzle" peices on the floor and says "ahh... . let's put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, Honey. "





See, she thought the box of Frosted Flakes was a puzzle, but it wasn't. It was a box of cereal! Get it? :-laf :-laf

 

[Highfinance97]

So a pirate walks into a bar, He has the steering wheel from his ship in his pants everybody is looking at him real wierd so he sits down gets his drink and someone finally asks him. "Why do you have a steering wheel from a ship in your pants and doesnt it bother you??"



And the pirate says "AAAAARRRRR it drives me nuts"





Michael

 

[Cummins Pilot]

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?







No one knows, never been tried.

 

[Cummins Pilot]

A blonde calls her boyfriend to come over and help her with a puzzle she's trying to put together.

Boyfriend asks "what's the puzzle of?"

She replies "a tiger".

He replies "I'll be there shortly".

Boyfriend arrives and finds a pile of "puzzle" peices on the floor and says "ahh... . let's put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, Honey. "





See, she thought the box of Frosted Flakes was a puzzle, but it wasn't. It was a box of cereal! Get it? :-laf :-laf

Explain that to me again, I missed it.

 

[RandyHamilton]

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he

is carrying a baby pig under each arm.



The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice

pigs, sir. "



The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan

Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for

Senator John Kerry. "



The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice

trade, sir. "

 

[nps]

Explain that to me again, I missed it.

The bimbo thinks the box of flakes is a 'Tony the Tiger' puzzle and the cereal flakes are the puzzle pieces.

 

[daveshoe]

How many Pentacostals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



I cant see to count --they all have their hands up!



Lord,I apologize.

 

[CMAC]

I ran accross a classified add for two authentic French world war II rifles for sale.



The add stated that the rifles were never fired , and they were only dropped once.....

 

[RandyHamilton]

I ran accross a classified add for two authentic French world war II rifles for sale.



The add stated that the rifles were never fired , and they were only dropped once.....

With lots of inventory in stock!!!

 

[Tee]

:d :d :d :d :d :d