Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say move, it means 'go someplace else' not, 'switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way'.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake out a claim for it to become your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the objective and tripping me doesn't help ... because I may fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. Sad though this is, do not expect me to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping - they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicularly to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible! I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time: there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me first, then go smell the other animal's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted a message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets --
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell (or give away) the results.
When I say move, it means 'go someplace else' not, 'switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way'.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake out a claim for it to become your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the objective and tripping me doesn't help ... because I may fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. Sad though this is, do not expect me to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping - they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicularly to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible! I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time: there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me first, then go smell the other animal's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted a message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets --
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell (or give away) the results.
I have printed it out and made both of my dogs read it. I also made my 16-year old son read it. The dogs understood. 
