Thanks

[Prairie Dog]

So why was Helen Keller a lousy driver?















Because she was a woman!





I just thought it was time to bring this post to a new low

 

[Elite1]

An English soldier, a French soldier , and an American soldier are captured by the Taliban in Afgahnastan. The taliban leader tells the three that they are all going to get 20 lashes with a whip as their first punishment, but since the three of you are fighting men I will grant you one reasonable wish before your punishment.

The English soldier goes first, and he tells the Taliban leader that my wish is to strap a pillow on my back before my whipping. His wish is granted, but by the 10th lash, the pillow is torn to shreds and the final 10 lashes strike his bare back, he grits his teeth and takes the excrutiating pain like a man.

The Frenchman goes next, he decides to wish for two pillows strapped to his back. His wish is granted, but by the 18th lash the pillows are torn to shreds and the final 2 lashes land on his bare back, he shrieks and wails like a little girl... .

It is now the Americans turn, the Taliban General tells the American that he observed him in action on the battlefield and that he was a valiant warrior, so I will give you two wishes... . With that the American says my first wish is that instead of 20 lashes I would like 40!... . The Taliban General looks at him with alot of respect and tells him you are very brave indeed, your wish is granted. Now for your second wish, what would you like? The American says, "Strap the Frenchy to my back!"

 

[Prairie Dog]

A blond pushes her BMW into a service station.

She tells the mechanic "It died. "

After he works on it a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She asks, "What's the story. "

He replies,



"Just crap in the carburetor. "



She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

[lschultz]

Frauens That was a good one Prairie Dog :

 

[Mr.Goat]

The teacher anounces one afternoon to her class that this afternoon's math class would be on practical problem solving.



The first guestion was , There 6 crows sitting on a telephone line a hunter comes along and shoots 1 how many are remaining?



Little Johnny is sitting in the back row just bursting to answer the question. So the teacher say's "Ok" Johnny what's your answer. Well teacher there would be no crows remaining on the wire. I know the answer your looking for is 5, but in reality the report of the gun going off and one of their buddies falling off the wire dead would scare off the remaining crows, so hence there would be none remaining. Well Johnny the teacher replied your correct, that was not the answer I was looking for , but I sure do like your way of thinking on this.



Well teacher Johnny replied, since we are on the subject of practical solving I have a question for you.



A little boy is sitting on the steps of a variety store eating his ice cream when 3 good looking ladies entered the store. The first lady comes out eating a popsicle by gently nibbling, bitting and licking the tip of it, the second comes out also eating a popsicle by bitting off pieces and chewing them up and swallowing them, the third lady also comes out eating a popsicle by taking long slow sucking motion's until she had engulfed the whole popsicle, she was combining this technic with the the technic of the first lady until her popsicle was no more.



Now question here teacher is which one of these ladies is married? Well the teacher thought about this for minute and replied with a little smirk that it would probably be the third lady.



Johnny replied "No" it was actually the one wearing the wedding ring. But " boy I sure do like your way of thinking on this. "

 

[Elite1]

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond

>formed between a

>little girl and some construction workers. This makes

>you want to

>believe in the goodness of people and that there is

>hope for the human

>race.

>

>A young family moved into a house next door to a

>vacant lot. One day a

>construction crew turned up to start building a

house

>on the empty

>lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally

>took an interest

>in all the activity going on next door and started

>talking with the workers.

>

>She hung around and eventually the construction

crew,

>all of them

>gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a

kind

>of project

>mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them

>while they had

>coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to

>do here and there

>to make her feel important. At the end of the first

>week they even

>presented her with a pay envelope containing a

5 dollar bill.

>

>The little girl took this home to her mother who

said

>all the

>appropriate words of admiration and suggested that

>they take the

>5 dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day

>to start a savings

>account.

>

>When they got to the bank the teller was equally

>impressed with the

>story and asked the little girl how she had come by

>her very own pay

>check at such a young age. The little girl proudly

>replied, "I worked all last

>week with a crew building a house. "

>

>"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will

you

>be working on

>the house again this week, too?"

>

>The little girl replied, "I will if those useless

>sons-a-******* at

>Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a

>****!"

>

>KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO ONE'S EYE.

 

[csevers]

And it all started out as a little mistake

and turned into some interesting reading and good jokes. The last one is very funny!!



Craig

 

[yogibear]

Deputy Sheriff stops a gal (could have been blond?) for doing 70 in a 55 zone.

asks her for drivers lic. , she says she doesn't have one, may I see your registration and ins. papers? she says she doesn't have any, she stole the car, killed the owner, hacked him up and pieces are in a garbage bag in the trunk, he takes out gun, backs up to his car and calls for backup, shortly, 6 patrol cars arrive surrounding her car, Sheriff walks up to her, says ma'm i need you to open your trunk, she opens, and its clean, do you have a drivers lic. , she shows it to him, how about reg. and ins. papers, she shows him, he says, I don't understand this, you tell my deputy when he stopped you you had no dr. lic. , no reg. or ins. papers, and that you killed the driver, hacked him up and put body parts in the trunk, whats going on here, she says, the next thing, the lying SOB will tell you I was speeding!!

 

[Casey Ray]

There was this little short man sitting in a bar just drinking and minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude came in and, with precision skill, knocked him off the bar stool and onto the floor.



The big man said, "That was a karate chop from Korea. "



The little guy thought "GEEZ," but he got back up on the stool and started

drinking again.



After a few minutes, the big man came up, knocked him down once again, and

said, "That was a judo chop from Japan. "



The little man finally decided he had had enough. So he got up, brushed himself off, and quietly left. After about an hour, the little man walked back into the bar. Without saying a word, he walked up behind the big man. Before anyone could move, he knocked the bigger man out cold! The little man looked at the bartender and said, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears. "



#######################



A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever.



Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go alot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck. "



The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





This guy bursts into the house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"



She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"



He replies, "I don't care... . Just get out!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"



"Well... ," he responds, "I dunno... let me ask him...



HEY WILLIE... FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"



###################



A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check out the facility. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.



The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A doctor came by and said, "Let me help you. " The doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.



The old man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.



The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.



"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place?"



The old man replied, "Well, I guess it's OK, but they won't let me fart. "

 

[Casey Ray]

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please. "



A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you. "









Bocifus

 

[Prairie Dog]

:-laf :-laf Oo. :-laf :-laf Heh heh heh, I think I soilded my self - sorry, oversharing

 

[Casey Ray]

Q: Why do they call it PMS??















A: Because mad cow disease was already taken.

 

[GOODE11]

Your Welcome!!

Thought I would say your welcome to you guys for starting this great thread.



You guys are kill'in me!





GOODE11

 

[Elite1]

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.

After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.



"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"



"Steve's wife gave it to me!"



"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"



"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"

 

[GHinton]

-Into the fray...



A rabbit is running wildly through the woods when all of a sudden he trips on a snake. He says, "Excuse me, I'm blind, I can't see where I'm going and I did not see you. I have been blind since birth, and I don't even know what I am. " The snake replies, "That's OK, I'm blind too, and I don't know what I am. But, if you let me wrap myself around you, I might can tell you what you are. " The rabbit agrees and the snake wraps himself around the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long furry ears, a small wrinkly nose w/ whiskers, and a cottony tail. You, my friend, are a rabbit. " The rabbit says "Thank you. All my life I have wanted to be a rabbit and now I know that I am. Please allow me to return the favor and tell you what you are. " The snake also agrees, and the rabbit soon offers judgment. "Well, you are scaly, slimy, and have no backbone, the only thing I can think of that you can be is a Frenchman!"

 

[Benson]

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?

 

[Ladders]

We need to get this back to an "in-tell-I-gent" conversation

http://skins.hotbar.com/skins/mailskins/em/033102/033102luf_1_prv.gif :-laf





THE Proper Naming system for sir names, provided by ???



Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance of one's name. They have developed a very comprehensive system of naming one's children as it is believed that the name of a person strongly influences one's destiny and fate. Astrologers, fortune tellers, academics and monks are consulted when choosing a name for the new born. Most other cultures, however do not really believe in it and tend to brush it off as superstition.



Whether you believe it or not, however, the other cultures are not spared of this correlation. One very good example is Lee Iacocca, whose name IACOCCA stands for :

I

Am

Chairman

Of

Chrysler

Corporation

America

Coincidence?... ... ... . Look at some more familiar examples.

Bush stands for :

Beat

Up

Saddam

Hussein !

Clinton stands for :

Call

Lewinsky,

I

Need

The

Oral

Now !

However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming: Osama

Oh

Sh!7,

American

Missiles

Again!



With all these, you better believe in the 5000 year old Chinese culture and make sure you choose a good name for your children.







\\BF//

 

[Prairie Dog]

Speaking of mad cow disease, There's a billboard somewhere back east that say's

"The only mad cow we have in the U. S. is Oprah!"

 

[BSkinner]

So you know why the French plant trees on both sides of their streets?





That way, the German's can always march in the shade.

 

[CumminsPuller]

A man walks into a bar and sits down at a table with his friends. After a bit of chatting the man gets up and moves to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender politely hands him a beer. The man then says to him, "I bet you I can stand on your bar and pis* into that glass on the other end without getting a drop anywhere on your bar!" The bartender says "Bullsh*t!!!" The man says "$20 bucks says I can?" The bartender says "Your on!" The man steps up onto his bar stool and then onto the bar. Walking to the end and turning around facing the glass on the other end, he unzips his pants, and begins to pis*. ******* all over the bar and not getting anywhere close to the glass. The bartender starts laughing and calling him a dumb SOB "See I told you you couldn't do it! Now give me my $20 bucks " Then the bartender hears all of this guys buddies at the table laughing. He asks the man "What are they all laughing at?" The man says "I bet them $100 bucks that you would let me pis* all over your bar "



Jason