Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches,
liberals and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then
all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers.
A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution,
beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of
modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of
humanity into its two distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time
to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady
supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture.
After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly,
consigned actual cultivation to women. Men couldn't just run off,
willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had
yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home,
and the brewery.
This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led
to the division of the species, which persists to this day.
Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the
term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the
dangerous pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast
their prey at a big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire
drinking beer, passing wind and telling off color jokes.
Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible
for the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy.
Mostly, they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and
concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity
(thus their designation as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered
around their fire, nibbling on fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost
feelings. Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of
conservative, and sometimes succeed in confusing people.
The following are a few tips to use in distinguishing the two types.
By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is
unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most
people are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high
taxes allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.
Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish
it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits,
and small cars. Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald
Reagan, Rush Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the
incomparable John Wayne.
Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman,
Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Ted Turner and his former
wife, the traitor ***** Jane Fonda.
All conservatives drink beer. American beer.
Some liberals like imported beer (they add lime to some for "taste"),
but most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like
to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden.
They like to eat weird food because it's un-American.
Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it
sucks up the gas. Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like
to barbecue.
Big game hunters are conservative.
Interior decorators are liberal. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the poor
pitcher take his turn at bat.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler
linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear
skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football
players.
James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives.
Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals. Most social workers,
personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are
liberals.
Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and steeplejacks are
conservatives.
Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police.
Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on
trial. Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they
would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.
Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to
boot.
Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened
than Americans.
Conservatives think Europeans are basically decadent, as evidenced by
their complete absence in wars. Typical conservative movies are "Raising
Arizona", "Patton", and "Conan the Barbarian".
Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last Tango in Paris", and
"The Big Chill".
The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides
how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make
the race "fair".
The American cowboy, of course, is your
basic, full bore conservative.
A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the
owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands
and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your
Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch hasn't been
born. "
liberals and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then
all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers.
A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution,
beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of
modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of
humanity into its two distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time
to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady
supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture.
After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly,
consigned actual cultivation to women. Men couldn't just run off,
willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had
yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to home,
and the brewery.
This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led
to the division of the species, which persists to this day.
Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the
term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the
dangerous pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast
their prey at a big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire
drinking beer, passing wind and telling off color jokes.
Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible
for the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy.
Mostly, they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and
concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity
(thus their designation as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered
around their fire, nibbling on fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost
feelings. Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of
conservative, and sometimes succeed in confusing people.
The following are a few tips to use in distinguishing the two types.
By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is
unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most
people are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high
taxes allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.
Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish
it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits,
and small cars. Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald
Reagan, Rush Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the
incomparable John Wayne.
Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman,
Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Ted Turner and his former
wife, the traitor ***** Jane Fonda.
All conservatives drink beer. American beer.
Some liberals like imported beer (they add lime to some for "taste"),
but most prefer white wine or foreign water from a bottle. Liberals like
to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in socialist Sweden.
They like to eat weird food because it's un-American.
Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it
sucks up the gas. Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like
to barbecue.
Big game hunters are conservative.
Interior decorators are liberal. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the poor
pitcher take his turn at bat.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler
linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear
skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football
players.
James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives.
Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli are liberals. Most social workers,
personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group therapists are
liberals.
Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers, and steeplejacks are
conservatives.
Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police.
Conservatives figure the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on
trial. Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they
would cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.
Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to
boot.
Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened
than Americans.
Conservatives think Europeans are basically decadent, as evidenced by
their complete absence in wars. Typical conservative movies are "Raising
Arizona", "Patton", and "Conan the Barbarian".
Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last Tango in Paris", and
"The Big Chill".
The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides
how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make
the race "fair".
The American cowboy, of course, is your
basic, full bore conservative.
A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the
owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands
and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your
Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch hasn't been
born. "
