The Duty Free Dump...

[JyRO]

Fellers -



I do a lot more reading on here than I do posting. And from this point, I've read just about everything, and the new and interesting threads are just not coming quick enough.



I've read everything from lift pumps to farts & smoke, and everything in between. With that being said, I think its about time we discuss something that I've pondered through the years. It's a phenomenon I'd like to coin, as:

The Duty Free Dump.



You know what it is, you've experienced it. Its a great and wonderful thing when you take a dump, and go to wipe, and the servicing paper comes back reporting no evidence. Isn't it great! :-laf Kaboom, wipe, smile & flush and you're outta there.



This happens to me about once or twice a year. What causes this? Is it the food I may have eaten? If so, I may keep a log of what I eat, and when the duty free dump happens, I can check my log. Then I'll eat the same thing over and over.



I don't need scientists spending millions of dollars, and countless years of investigation to tell me that eating McDonald 3 times a day and sitting on my arse in front of the TV will lead to being a lard a$$. I can figure that kind of stuff out myself. I need scientists to investigate and discover the important things ... like how to consistently achieve a duty free dump.



Man, if I could produce the duty free dump every time, it would take about 3 seconds to get the job done. Zip, kaboom, flush, zip. I'm outta there. Not to mention the fact that this would save the environment (no need for running water to wash hands, soap, paper towels, or the energy to run the hand dryer). Maybe those tree huggers who are so worried about us blowing out a bit of soot, should study this topic, since we could save precious trees.



So let's hear it fellers. We've talked about everything else. Have you guys experienced, 'The Duty Free Dump?' Questions, comments, suggestions, and concerns are welcome. I've got my flame suit on in case anyone dissaproves.



- JyRO

 

[JSmith]

You are bored and need to take a nap.











OH, and close this topic

 

[catoiler]

Man with to much time on hands finds new use for toilet paper;fiber for diet!!!

 

[KBennett]

I am sure were gonna hear it for posting this... .



GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.



CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.



WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.



SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.



POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.



LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.



GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.



DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.



CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.



GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.



SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.



WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.



THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.



THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

 

[CChase]

KBennett, you're a fine example of the problems associated with a site like this. I try and read it at work and keep up with technical information..... and now people are wondering why I am LMAO.....

 

[Bill Lins]

Sounds like you want to make a clean getaway!

 

[loncray]

I'm with CChase on this one - here I am, reading an innocent thread, and my coworkers are wondering why tears are running down my face as I try to stifle a really loud laugh.

 

[JyRO]

I'm glad some of you guys are taking this the way it was intended, just for ***** and giggles (pun intended ). I like it when you guys add your own versions, and I'm LMAO too. I for one am writing my senator to request they divert the efforts of scientist into this more useful area. The purpose of the research should be to avoid the WET POOPIE. I hate wiping 50 times.



I'd actually like to time it to the point where maybe I don't even need to sit on the seat. Yeah, its OK at home, but there's a lot of places even I don't care to sit down.



Have you seen the olympic weight lifters that do the clean & jerk? The 'jerk' part comes to mind for my desired technique. Get my pants outta the way, squat push stand and zip. What could be better? Clean & jerk, clean & jerk ... what could we call my technique? Lean & spurt? Well you don't really lean, you squat. Help a brothuh out ... got any ideas?



- JyRO



- JyRO

 

[RustyJC]

So, what's wrong with "squat and squirt"?



Rusty

 

[nickleinonen]

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

those are fun to leave in public places. flush and if it doesn't go down, who cares... feel sorry for the poor sob who has to clean it after, but way fun to laugh at other potential users who want to use that stall, and can't

 

[fkovalski]

I stopped drinking 6 or more cups of coffee about 6 weeks ago (don't ask why- subject for another thread) and my daily ritual of 3-4 ten minute reading periods has dropped to 1 good one per day with "clean sweeps!"

 

[CChase]

I couldn't let this thread go without a little piece of advice I was emailed a while ago.....



http://www.halfthedeck.com/html/Pooping-at-Work.html