Attention: TDR Forum Junkies 
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form,
>called a "gripe sheet,"
>which tells mechanics about problems with the
>aircraft. The mechanics
>correct the problems, document their repairs on the
>form, and then pilots
>review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>
>Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
>humor. Here are
>some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
>Quantas' pilots and the
>solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
>
>By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has
>never had an accident.
>
>(P= The problem logged by the pilot. )
>(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics. )
>
>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>S: Live bugs on back-order.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
>feet per minute descent.
>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>S: Evidence removed.
>----------------------------------------
>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>S: That's what they're for.
>----------------------------------------
>P: IFF inoperative.
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>S: Suspect you're right.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
>serious.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Target radar hums.
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Mouse in cockpit.
>S: Cat installed.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
>like
>a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget
>called a "gripe sheet,"
>which tells mechanics about problems with the
>aircraft. The mechanics
>correct the problems, document their repairs on the
>form, and then pilots
>review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>
>Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
>humor. Here are
>some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
>Quantas' pilots and the
>solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
>
>By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has
>never had an accident.
>
>(P= The problem logged by the pilot. )
>(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics. )
>
>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>S: Live bugs on back-order.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
>feet per minute descent.
>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>S: Evidence removed.
>----------------------------------------
>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>S: That's what they're for.
>----------------------------------------
>P: IFF inoperative.
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>S: Suspect you're right.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
>serious.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Target radar hums.
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Mouse in cockpit.
>S: Cat installed.
>----------------------------------------
>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
>like
>a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget
