The Real Rules of the Road, or How to Drive Like a Genuine Idiot

[Wheaties]

I'll post a few to get the ball rolling:



If you want to turn left, pull out and block half the oncoming traffic until an opening appears. Never consider turning right, then turning left up the road and doubling back, that would be too easy and would never annoy anyone. Always bring as many people to a halt as you can, just so you can get out--this makes you more important than anyone else.



Anyone trying to pass you is going way to fast. Do everything you can to prevent them getting by you. Monopolize the left lane, it isn't as safe to pass on the right, so this will keep some folks from passing. If someone trys to pass anyway, signal for the right lane, or at the very least, speed up so the other car cannot get by. Once you have caught up to another vehicle in the right lane, slow back down and form a roadblock. Use the roadblock technique whenever possible; you will have to find two other righteous brothers when the road is three lanes wide, but it can be done.



Wait until the last second before shifting over for the exit. Remember, you are more important than anyone else, you have the right to cut lesser mortals off and get ahead of them. You own a BMW after all (or at least you drive like you own a BMW). If there isn't much of a line, at the very least shoehorn yourself in ahead of the last guy in line. Just because it is easy to get at the end of the line doesn't make it right. You are better than that and deserve to get there a whole 1/60th second earlier.



Earn good karma by stopping to let people turn in front of you. The fact that there is no one behind you is meaningless. So what if the guy could have turned anyway once you drove by, the good karma would have gone to waste. LIkewise do this in traffic. Never mind that the car behind you is next in line for the right of way to your patch of road. You're IMPORTANT, you can rewrite the rules of the road!



Any others?



Matt

 

[Ncostello]

You're driving down the road in your Grand Cherokee following the only other person on the highway. In fact you've been behind this person for miles and miles perfectly content with the speed your going. Up ahead about 1/4 mile is your exit/ right turn. OH NO! All of a sudden you have this strange feeling that the person in front of you is no longer going fast enough and it will take an eternity for you to reach your exit. Act quick!!



Hurry up and pass the person in front of you so as soon as you get in front of them you can signal to exit and slow down causing the lesser person have to slow and/or move over in the left lane. This is best performed when the person ahead of you is going at least the speed limit or faster. It is also best performed when nobody else is even on the highway thus making you appear king of the road able to do whatever you want whenever you want. Pat yourself on the back after doing this as you saved almost 1/10th of a second in pulling off the highway. It will definately make all the difference in the overal travel time to your destination.

 

[Rhondasway]

For now all I can say is: "AMEN BROTHER!!!"

ROFLMAO... How very real, and how very sad...

 

[Andy Perreault]

Never use your turn signals. Assume everyone else has ESP and knows exaclty what you're doing.

And if you're in the right lane on a freeway and someone is merging on, don't move to the left to give them a clear lane to merge into, even if the lane to your left is empty for miles behind you. Force the other guy to slow down and get behind you. Stare straight ahead and act like they're not there. Once they are safely behind you, now you can move to the left, just for the heck of it.

Always make life difficult for truck drivers. They're just goofing off out there on their own free time, trying to get in your way. They're not doing anything important. Change lanes in front of them and slow down for no reason. This especially works good on long uphill grades. Once the truck driver has lost his uphill momentum, speed up again. At night, drive behind them in the next lane with your high beams on and match their speed, whether they speed up or slow down.

Remember, window shopping is fun while driving! Be sure to point at things out the driver's window. So what if someone behind you thinks you might be turning. And oh, look! A state trooper pulled someone over on the other side of the highway! We have to slow down and check it out! Is that a cow over there in that field? Wow, look at that!

When you're at a gas station, especially a small one with only one pump island, stand there and watch your tank get filled up, and then grab the squegee and clean the windows after you are done pumping fuel. No "multi-tasking", now! Be sure to take your sweet time and browse around the junk food aisles or check out the newspapers before you get around to paying, too.

 

[Sticks]

Whenever you can, change lanes by wedging your vehicle into a spot between two cars that leaves less than 3 feet between your bumpers, then turn your signal on to verify that you have completed your lane change.



During rush hour traffic on your way home from work, wait until the last possible second to get off the four lane highway from the left lane at your usual exit. This way you only have to turn the steering once. Don't worry, everybody behind you knows that you have to exit here, so they will slow down when you make your turn to let you through.



Remember, the little yellow speed signs under the big yellow ones showing the shape of the corner is the speed limit, and you are not allowed to go faster than that until another speed type sign comes up.



It is OK to stop in your lane of the road when traveling through a national park, get out of your car, grab your camera, lock your doors, and move closer to take a picture of the wildlife on the side of the road.

 

[Cowboy Medic]

Those red and blue lights that are on my ambulance, they really don't mean anything. Neither does the siren. It is just a way for me to show off my fancy vehicle. You can feel free to ignore them. I mean, why would you want to pull over and let us pass. It isn't like someone's life might depend on it.

 

[mjendrejcak]

during rush hour traffic do not forget to use your personal travel lane, the one most people call the breakdown or shoulder. Also when most people are at a dead stop on the highway feel free to continue doing 80+ mph in your personal lane.

 

[Wheaties]

I think you guys have the hang of it! This is good stuff! Here's another one:



Everyone knows that the red light on the left turn stoplight is like a fine wine, it doesn't amount to anything until it has properly aged. You should feel free to follow in the wake of the cars that went through the yellow, even if you're the second or even third car to go through the red light. Other people can have the right of way when you are done with it.

 

[ToolManTimTaylor]

MAKE SURE that when you go to the mini gas station mart to park in front of THE ONLY vacant pump. Those other spaces are for "Other people" parking as YOU are ONLY grabbing a soda.



Cardinal rule # 434

If a police officer is on the SOUTH BOUND side of the road he not only is monitoring the southbound side but THE NORTHBOUND side as well. Therefore you MUST jam on your brakes for that safety margin.



Golden rule # 786

When passing an automotive wreck



(No need for Political correct words like Automobile accident ... lets face it they Wrecked!)



You ABSOLUTLY have to slow down to an unmanageable speed and look to see if it involves anyone you know , OR if you may catch a human being twisted into some new art form.



O. K study hard

 

[RustyJC]

Wait until you see me heading down the street trying to get out of town (or home) towing my 5th wheel, minding my business in the right lane. Now, blow around me, cut in front so close that you peel the paint off the left front corner of my bumper and jam on the brakes to duck into McDonald's for a Big Mac and some fries. Don't worry about me behind you standing on the brakes so hard that the brake pedal arm is about to snap off as I try to keep 21,180 lbs of truck and trailer from going right over the top of your clapped-out Ford Escort. After all, that's MY problem, now, isn't it!



Rusty

 

[Rhondasway]

When merging onto the highway, never fully accelerate to the speed limit, and always keep going left until you are in the far left lane. Always ignore the posted WASHINGTON STATE LAW sign that states: Keep Right Except to Pass, this does not apply to you.

At a stop light, when the green arrow finally comes on, don't rush. Please sit there and take in its beauty or finish your makeup, as it doesn't matter if anyone behind you makes it through.

When tailgating a diesel, be sure to keep your fan on; you may be getting a surprise...

 

[Dieselnut59]

Originally posted by Rhondasway

When merging onto the highway, never fully accelerate to the speed limit, and always keep going left until you are in the far left lane. Always ignore the posted WASHINGTON STATE LAW sign that states: Keep Right Except to Pass, this does not apply to you.



MORE states need to POST and ENFORCE that law!!

 

[JohnE]

Sniff, I'm getting homesick for the numerous metro areas I used to call home for over 20 years. Now, my normal work commute is 3 traffic lights and a bad morning is when all 3 are red. Ups the time to a whole 10 minutes.



I do have to deal with the Next Door state drivers that live in the left lane (legal there, even on freeway), haven't learned that a red sign usually means STOP, and using turn signals don't take miles off your vehicle's warranty.





The worst area I've seen for poor drivers' is Puget Sound (Rhondasway & Andy's turf).

BTW, left lane rule is voided in the Seattle metro due to all the left lane merge ramps.

Always tailgate so someone doesn't get the chance to cut you off.

Only one vehicle at a time is allowed through the intersection on a left turn signal.

And my favorite, pull out into the HOV lane without looking because that other vehicle traveling at speed limit can slow down to let you merge at your leisurely pace. (That nearly caused me a few accidents)

 

[Jengle]

Always merge into a 70mph stream of traffic at 45, for safetys sake. And to expand on TMTTs post, make sure when you are doing the speed limit, and see a police car, jam your brakes until you are 10mph below the posted limit, to make sure you aren't speeding.

 

[midlife crisis]

Oh, its the third sunday of the month? Well that means YOU are entitled to K- turn in front of me on a 55mph country lanes blind curves exit. Ohh, I see, you missed the garage sale while talking on your cell. No problem. Wasn't that you stopped in the EZ-Pass lane looking for a place to throw your quarter? Again I have to apologize for my behavior. Please, take my number, give me a call when you plan on driving so I can throw my keys in the woods.

 

[big jake 1]

when all the other traffic is moving smoothly at 70+mph, please feel free to slow down to 45 mph in the fast lane so that the engine noise in your 87 Aerostar mini van does not interfere with your cell phone, while you take notes.



If you are an illegal immigrant farm worker, please find a total of 12 of you to get into 2 Nissan Sentras or Hyundais which seat only 4 people, and these cars must not have a working defroster.

You must now caravan side by side (not behind each other) up the only 4 lane (two each way) highway at 28 mph, where the posted speed limit is 60 mph.









other than that on my 160 mile a day roundtrip commute, things are just peachy











big jake

THE FORD GUY Oo. Oo. Oo.

 

[bmoeller]

It's not always four wheelers.

Turn signals (and 4 ways) mean nothing on farm equipment, they're just to look at.



Cutting me off while I'm making a left hand turn with a 9-40,000 lb. machine (that stops on a dime) is safe to do. And the attachment/implement I am carrying or pulling has no brakes on it to help stop.



While I'm driving loaded big rig (fat cattle) down the two-lane road and come up on a cross road, pull out in front of me, to make me slow down so I have to regain my speed (while you leisurely speed up). Then 5 miles down the road, slam on your brakes and make a left hand turn. (A trucker did that one to me last Thursday. He should'da known better. He was light or empty. ) #@$%!



While I'm driving a loaded big rig down the interstate, you speed up and come around me, cross both lanes and get on the off ramp BEHIND the Exit sign so you won't miss your turn off and make me barely miss you. After all, these trucks stop on a dime also (especially with no engine brake on that one).



While I'm coming around a corner under a bridge in a big truck, wait and watch me for few seconds while looking right at me with your loaded dump truck, pull out in from of me, MISS your FREAK'N SHIFT and start over from the granny hole, so I have to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting you. Couldn't change lanes because of a loaded truck coming from the other direction. #@$%!

 

[Ncostello]

Always remember to ride the blind spot of Big Rig Trucks for miles. If the truck speeds up you are entitled to also. Same for slowing down. Trucks should be on the constant lookout for folks riding those spots. Having a 53' trailer in tow is not enough to keep their minds occupied. After all the small cars have the supreme right of way... isn't that why you bought such a small car? Plus if you stay there long enough you can end up getting a free ride until they are finally informed by another trucker there is a car sitting on the bumper of a 600HP land train. Imagine the kind of mileage your 4cyl gets going 60 mph and your foot is held firmly on the brake!! Blindspots are part of the highway too!! Use them!!!

 

[JyRO]

another'en...

When pulling into a fuel station with your Miata, Jetta, BMW, or other gas powered yuppie vehicle, please practice courtesy and search the fuel islands to find the one that not only serves gasoline, but diesel fuel also. Please use that pump ... it frees up all the other gas only serving pumps for other yuppie cars and minivans.



Its especially courteous to hurry to the only diesel/gas pump available, when you've noticed an excessively large fuel wasteing vehicle making unnecesarily wide turns in the fuel station, while towing a camper. (Why would anyone want a camper anyway? They could just stay at the Hyatt or Marriot!). Don't waste others time by considering what he may be doing. It doesn't matter, all *cars* use gasoline anyway, and yours is allowed to go first because yours is cuter, and the large vehicle is wasteing time swerving all over the fuel station.



While running 2 or 3 mph under the speed limit on the interstate, have your brake foot prepared to cover that brake pedal just in case you *think* you see a law enforcement officer. God forbid you actually seen one, in either case you're going to need a very quick and firm push on the pedal to bring that loose cannon down to a sane speed limit. The quicker you loose speed the better, you wouldn't want to take a chance of getting a ticket. Also, this makes traffic more exciting. Occasionally you may notice that there really is other cars out there with you (you may notice honking or other's indicating that you're #1). Try to control your euphoria, this is part of the pleasure of being behind the wheel on the open road!



When entering the interstate, keep your speed to a very low (& safe!) speed as to increase your opportunities to turn left into the traffic. Remember, the bigger the vehicle is, the easier it is for your car to out accelerate it once you've completed your left turn onto the interstate. Occasionally, the driver behind you will submit to you a courtesy honk. Its nice to give them a wave back, try it with a blank stare in your mirror. Also remember, in the case that you have no availability to merge because those very large truck vehicles have not turned left to let you in, or in the case the larger truck vehicles have traffic beside them, and the trucks did not stop so you could get in, its their fault for their lack of courtesy. Once you completed your stop at the end of the ramp, you should catch up to the discourteous driver, and at the very least give them a *look. * You may try gestures, and/or your horn, to insinuate that the previously unsafe condition was their fault and they should've got out of your way. Remember, your car is cuter so this is perfectly within your right.



- JyRO

 

[Andy Perreault]

And never maintain a consistent speed. Alternate between going fast and slow. This creates more variety for your car so it doesn't get bored. Gradually slow down until someone passes you. Then speed up, pass them, and slow down again once you're back in front of them again. You will be helping them out by creating an opportunity for them to also speed up and slow down so that their car/truck doesn't get bored either.