The Real Rules of the Road, or How to Drive Like a Genuine Idiot

[Texas Diesel]

Never EVER let a semi or truck pulling a trailer get ahead of you. Always dart out of the gas station in front of them, even if there is no traffic behind, heck the big rig drivers love burning up their brakes. And then, make sure you go 55 in a 70. Be sure to get PO'd when the souped up Cummins towing a 5th wheel can pass you even though you floor your HO 4 cylinder. This has NEVER happened to me

 

[loncray]

That long stick on your steering wheel that makes the little green arrows blink? Totally optional, ignore it. Same thing for the ashtray - drivers behind you are always fascinated by the cheerful shower of sparks from dropping your cigarette butt on the road. How can anything that small be litter? And you don't really need your headlights on when it's raining or snowing or getting dark - it wastes electricity that you could be using in your stereo. Don't forget, other drivers appreciate knowing your taste in music, even several lanes over!

 

[Mike Ellis]

Where ever you happen to be driving, be it the interstate or a school zone, drive just as fast as you want to. If slower traffic is in both lanes, be aggressive and get right on their bumper and jump around in your seat while clenching your fists and butt cheeks impatiently. Remember, the signs aren't properly labeled - it isn't a speed LIMIT, it's a speed NOTION.



Anytime there is a problem on the highway slowing down traffic, be sure to stay within 5 feet of the car in front of you. This allows you to repeatedly bring your vehicle to a stop and create a cascade of halting traffic behind you, which is much more efficient than keep a few car lengths between you and moderating speed so you don't have to hit the brakes every 30 seconds. Besides, you make much more apparent progress when you get to stop / start over and over and over and over, and if you leave space in front of you somebody might be able to merge onto the highway and alleviate the traffic jam. Everybody loves sitting in traffic just as much as you do.



If you see a sign saying "Lane Closes 2 miles" don't bother moving into the open lane - you might have to slow down or follow another car for as much as a few minutes! Instead, race at high speed all the way down to where the lane ends and jam on your brakes. You can stop traffic this way until some poor sucker, uh nice guy, lets you into the lane anyway. Why should you be inconvenienced? After all, you're special!



If you're a Mexican citizen wanting to haul a used car back home to Mexico, get together with 40 or 50 other guys doing the same thing and make a convoy that travels at 45 mph all the way to Mexico. Try to tie your tow vehicle to your new car as haphazardly as possible, if you are lucky it will break loose enroute and kill a few gringos. Stop in a small town like Calvert or Hubbard, TX and all buy gas at the same time at the only open station in town. Since there are only 3 pumps, park your cars all over the parking lot in any way you like to prevent other customers from breaking in to your convoy. While you are waiting your turn, go in to the station and use the bathroom. Since you were raised to feel toilet paper and hygeine are not strictly necessary, make an absolutely INCREDIBLE mess by flinging soiled tissue and waste all over the bathroom. People who visit it later will appreciate your thoughtfulness.



If you are a Texas police officer, take advantage of the new law "see a vehicle with flashing lights, move into farthest lane and slow down 20 mph". Position your car over the top of a hill so people cresting it can suddenly see you and slam on the brakes to get into the far lane at the required speed. Laugh like heck when people in the right lane are unable to get over because of the long line of frantically braking speeders in the far lane.



If you are a woman, don't waste precious time in the mornings trying to get ready for work. All bathing and grooming can be done in the car while driving. DO NOT WASTE A SECOND of talk time while enroute, talk on the cell phone while you are backing out the driveway, while you are driving 85 mph and putting on eyeliner, while you are parking your car, and then some more while you are strolling through the parking lot oblivious to other people who have to screech to a smoking halt because you step out into traffic without looking. Looking left or right can cause bothersome dropouts in cell phone reception.



If you see a motorcycle, remember that cycle drivers need constant excitement. Wander aimlessly around in your lane, creeping ever closer to the bike beside you. Cut in front of the bike at every opportunity, everybody knows motorcycles have great brakes. If you hit one and hear shrieking, grinding metal, don't look back to see if anyone is hurt because that could take some time. Never forget to stay right on their bumper so you can check out the hams on the biker chick.



If you see somebody riding a horse, make as much noise as you possibly can - honk, gun your engine, roll down the window and shout, lock up the brakes and point excitedly at the horsie. Everybody knows horses are very calm and stable creatures that are never disturbed by sudden loud noises.

 

[MGordon]

When merging into traffic, as soon as you get to the end of the on ramp, SLAM ON YOU BRAKES and THEN look for an opening that is clear of traffic for at least a mile. This is especially important during rush hour.



You are entitled to a clear view of the road and are therefore required to make sure you pass the guy in the camper even if he is exceeding the speed limit. Of course, once you pass, make sure you slow down so that you can enjoy the view. The guy in the camper will then pass you at the first available opportunity. This type of leap frog can entertain you for hundreds of miles.

 

[Rams-n-Hogs]

Make sure to keep your knee on the steering wheel of your mini-van while your talking on the cell phone with one hand and holding your 24 oz big gulp with the other, and doing about 60 on the beltway.



And since you know your lane ends 2 miles down the road, be sure to stay right there, so you can jump over at the last possible second. Make sure you jump over all three lanes, though, as you will want to be in the fast lane when you stop.

 

[mfunderburgh]

When you see a tractor coming down the road to a four way, wait at the stop sign for like 45 seconds until the tractor gets there. Now that you have waited on the tractor to turn onto the road you need to travel it is now your turn to follow him and ride his a$$ and expect him and his 16 row planter to pull over into the ditch so you can now pass even though you had a prime chance to get down the road ahead of him and get out of his way.



This happens to me all the time. Tractor, combine... etc. I always get over when i can and allow people to pass but these people can follow me if they are going to sit there and wait to get behind me. Matt

 

[Ncostello]

Even when others are mad (signified by their rediculous horn blows) at you for cutting them off while traversing across 3 lanes then slamming on your brakes to make the exit... . go ahead and fly them the bird because their frustration at you is a supreme insult to your expert (borderline Indy Racing League) driving ability. You were in control of the situation at all times and you knew the impending actions of all the other drivers thus making the situation completely safe! It is shameful that other normal drivers even share the same road as you!



(see this all the time when folks are made to feel embarrased)

 

[Boomer II]

Be sure and hit that turn signal after you're in the turn lane.

 

[Heavy Duty]

You are in your Yugo and see the CTD with a BIG horse trailer coming down the road at 60 MPH. Although you seldom drive the Yugo over 45 mph and 60 MPH is redlining the engine, you quickly pull out from the intersection so the CTD doesn't get ahead of you causing him to slam on the brakes and pass you in an effort to not hit you. Funny thing though is you hear all of this noise coming from the trailer!! Thats ok though cause you were told that the Bigger they are, the better they can manuver and stop. Hey, I wonder if the guy in the pickup will let the kids see the horses?

 

[Texas Diesel]

Originally posted by Boomer II

Be sure and hit that turn signal after you're in the turn lane.

Or, alternately, turn on the blinker AFTER you are stopped in the left lane at the interersection.

 

[Jeff Clark]

When merging onto the highway, take note of the courteous driver who moves over one lane to let you on. Show your appreciation by pacing that vehicle disallowing him to move back over and let traffic behind him to move on. DO NOT speed up or slow down to let the driver over. It's his fault for getting in that lane to begin with.

 

[DEickhoff]

Here is my favorite:



While driving at night ensure your headlights are pointed right at the oncoming drivers eyes. To ensure the oncoming driver can see you DO NOT dim your lights. He might miss you in the darkness.



If you drive a small car and it is slick outside, the safest place is 3 feet from the bumper of the truck infront of you. You must be able to track exactly where the truck is driving cause they are not sliding all over the place. Don't worry about the brake lights they don't mean anything.



Dawna

 

[Rams-n-Hogs]

When merging onto the highway, take note of the courteous driver who moves over one lane to let you on. Show your appreciation by pacing that vehicle disallowing him to move back over and let traffic behind him to move on. DO NOT speed up or slow down to let the driver over. It's his fault for getting in that lane to begin with.

Or you COULD speed up and slow down as he does. His exit isn't coming up shortly, anyway.



Jim

 

[JohnE]

Originally posted by Boomer II

Be sure and hit that turn signal after you're in the turn lane.

Originally posted by Tejas Deezul

Or, alternately, turn on the blinker AFTER you are stopped in the left lane at the interersection.

Yep similar to another of my favorites, on a road without a turn lane wait until the light turns green then hit the left turn signal to let me know why you're sitting there as an ignorant jack a$$.



I noticed a general degrading in the driving skills since right turn on red (without a sign) was implemented across the country. Many drivers' forgot the fine print RIGHT TURN ON RED AFTER STOP.

 

[Mike Ellis]

Be sure to carry lots of disposable trash in your vehicle, especially if you are in Texas which once had nice clean roads. At every opportunity, throw armloads of crap out the window of your car to ensure that the roadsides are carpeted with trash. This way everyone who drives on that road can share the beautiful experience of your no-good miserable snivelling prideless slack-jawed butt-thumbing worthless existence. Tell yourself with a smug smile, "Hit'll gib sumbuddy uh jawb sumday pickin' up that thar stuff. " After rolling up the window, wipe your nose on your shirt sleeve, scratch your butt crack with your cell phone antenna, and race off in a cloud of burnt valve smoke to despoil another stretch of highway.



Buy yourself a flatbed pickup truck with about 2 square feet of space left clear on the deck, and force your cowering hound dawg to ride back there with tail between legs everywhere you go. Tell people who express concern about the dawg, "Awww, he love it back thar! Ain't nuttin' gonna happen Ole Blue!" After you swerve into the ditch to avoid colliding with a broken-down 18-wheeler you failed to notice while fighting to open a banana Moon Pie, observe with horror that Ole Blue has been flung headlong into a tree and given up the ghost. Jump out of the truck with a tire iron and go after the truck driver, hollering "YEW MIZRABUL THUMMA BITH! YEW DONE KILT MUH DAWG!" Refuse to accept responsibility for Old Blue's death, and start training the kids to ride back there.

 

[DSiemens]

Don't you know that their turn signals will not work 'cause they ran out of "blinker fluid"?

I appreciate all the drivers that like to illuminate my truck at night. Seems that they like follow right behind me with the hi-beams on.

Also like the the drivers that are approaching a crosswalk. Two lanes each way. I stop, but the rice beside me is much too important.

 

[dpuckett]

If you are in a grey car, on a dark rainy day, dont turn on your headlights, they'll last longer, and that overloaded grain truck will test its brand new brakes on your rear bumper.



When driving in town, be sure to cut off or tailgate any dually, preferrably with your brights on. Or better yet, if you're still in high school, turn around and try to flirt with the cowboy behind you (who is WAAAYY too old for you anyway), and pay no mind to the light as it turns green; no one wants to go anywhere anyway.



Play your stereo REALLY loud, everyone wants to hear Eminem (skittle) rap about doing his wife's sister, or beating his F*ing momma. That rattling thump from your trunk is REAL COOL, too. Thank God for 4" shorty exhaust systems.



Drive on the shoulder in a traffic jam, esp on a blind curve before an on ramp. Double kudos if you're in a straight pipe hacking, coughing Harley. Every other vehicle is WAY too big, you dont take up much room, so just go where ever you want.



Pick a fight with the 6ft bull rider in the diesel pickup who just blew smoke in your face as you tried to pass him on your Harley in said traffic jam. Pull a knife on him when he starts to whoop your sorry butt. Cry like a baby when he takes IT away from you, and continues the butt kicking. Get yer gang after him; after all, he's younger, in better shape, and had no business whoopin ya like that.



Speaking of biker wannabes- when an old lady touches your bike with the rubber part of her car door, (getting out of her car on the parking lot) take out your switchblade and make a 6ft scratch in the paint of her otherwise nice looking Buick. Takes a BIG man to show that old bitty who's boss.



Daniel

 

[BNH4221]

Man, sure are a lot of angry people on this thread... ...



A nice New England Nor'easter last evening. I was thankful for all the nice people who:

1. Wouldn't pass a plow if their life depended upon it.

2. Passed the plow but stayed in the left lane of the interstate at a whopping 23 MPH when the plow was driving at 22 MPH. This forced me to stay behind the plow and have my truck pummeled by the sander. Great.



This morning it was nice to drive with all the people who couldn't be bothered to clean off their cars and thus could not see out. Nor could I see their brake lights or signals (not like they use them anyhow)



When did people get so selfish?



Steve

 

[MarkF]

In Massachusetts, anywhere near Boston:

Using your turn signal is like giving information to the enemy.

Stop signs with white borders are optional.

Speed Limit signs are only a suggestion.

Drivers in MA dont have a middle finger, we call it our "Driving Finger".

Yield signs are nothing more than a funny shaped piece of aluminum with an undefined word written on it.

Driver Ed is they guy teaching the class... isn't he?

 

[rbattelle]

Whenever you encounter a runner or cyclist on the road, always remember that although you know your vehicle weighs at least 3000 pounds more than that person, they don't have a clue to that fact. Runners and other people who are out there trying to be fit are wasting their lives, and don't deserve to occupy the same roads you do. They must be educated about your superiority, so you should make every effort to drive as close as possible to the person at the highest possible speed. Even better, just head straight for the person; bonus points if you can hit him with your side mirror.



For those who have small economy cars (Kia, Hyndai, Cavalier, etc), you should drive as fast as possible at all times, and weave through traffic as fast as possible. This will show everyone that yes, your car is actually high performance.